Monday, February 02, 2009


another day, another post. i'm gently pushing myself to stop here each day - some kind of defiance i think, to act against my instinct to give in to silence and isolation from the world...

in the early days of this year someone suggested by implication that the choice to not keep living might be a reasonable option... i don't think they meant it with full intent toward me, but they were careless abstract words of hard rationalism - far too careless for the place i was in, desperately needing a sense of meaning... a few days later someone else questioned the worth of me seeking out nurture amongst family at a time when i was in desperate need of it... more care-less and far less abstract words, meant (for whatever reason) to undermine my choice to seek help and presence and home where i find it hardest... something in me felt defiant of both... hard experiences both, but yet, something in me fought back... something in me got, for a moment, very angry... and kicked back at the darkness... slammed a metaphorical door shut and has little, if any, intent of ever opening it to either of them again... for both were speaking from a place in them that cannot speak compassion or love into moments of deep despair, despite knowing by my own confession i was in an extremely lost dark sea and struggling to keep my head above water... something rose unbidden to defend my life, my need for nurture... and that fight spoke to a strength i thought i had lost...

sometimes compassion for the self feels like an act of an unseen, unknown God, kicking back in harsh revolt...a fist of life...


i came across this by way of Shirley, so this comes with thanks to her for the headzup - a Guardian opinion piece from 4 years ago. but timeless and powerful stuff it is...

God is not the Pupper Master

this put words to something i find difficult to let past my lips...


sometimes we need to kick at the darkness, and sometimes the darkness itself seems bleeding with light... fissures cracking open... however it comes in, may it keep coming. thanks to those who are helping me see it, who are doing the work of defiance too... it's helping me. you know who you are, beloveds...

may we each find space to welcome ourselves saying, with however faltering or quiet a voice...

all will be well, all will be well, and all manner of things will be well *


*Julian of Norwich


  1. Thanks for the link - will ponder and soak into my thinking for a while yet I imagine.
    Am pleased to see you posting and that aswell as self nurture, you have people around who love you and help too.
    One day, one moment at a time,
    Take very good care, the very best, RD,x

  2. giles fraser has a book of these but this is the one i keep coming back to. i am very grateful to the person who first showed it to me.

    glad you're blogging. hope to bump into you again sometime soon. maybe at mo's art thing if you'll be there?


  3. You needed compassion, and I did not give you compassion. You needed tenderness, and I gave you rationalism. You needed a reason to live, and I questioned the worth of living. I apologise for not being what you needed in the midst of your darkness.