Wednesday, March 29, 2006

out of your sight and into the blackness...

another difficult day in a difficult week...

but at least a good decision was made in a good conversation with keli today: i'm gonna move in with her and stu, to their new house in east belfast, where a lot of folks we know are in the vicinity - sometime in May most likely. this is a major life altering decision. but a necessary one i think. it will be my half way house for a while, to help me transition to whatever comes next.

stretches out hand...

i am broken. tired. lost. terrified.
i miss you as much as i love you.
i'd call. but all i'd do is weep.

i'm sure i've been here before. what did i do to get out?
didn't i leave some crumbs?
where did i put the map?
i'm sure it'd say,
here lie monsters...
wish you were here.
you're so good at navigation...

LB, x.

a little time to rest

Baby's still on intermintent power charges so apologies for lack of postings at the mo.

Still, after the last few days i've had, it's saved you reading a whole lotta darkness.

had a really mixed bag of a weekend... i can save us all a whole lotta time and baby some juice by cutting to the heart of the matter and saying it comes down to a sense of unrootedness and lack of home at present - which seems so absurd as i type this in my rather amazing kitchen which i know i shall miss in the years to come...
but this lack of home makes for tough days when i find myself still very much in the process of grieving (annie lamott got me on that theme on saturday and right now i don't know whether to thank her or curse her but she's right when she says the only way to get through grief is to grieve)...

i feel very much like a bird that finds itself without a nest...lots of little signposts right now that i don't feel at home, lacking in an essential sense of safety and security that for this little birdy is very important...and that until such time as sigmund helps me work out how to cope with that i am very much in need of feeling that security...i left work early today feeling a major sense of claustrophobia and utterly worn down by several days of perpetual anxiety, in large part caused by trying hold back frequent bouts of persitant tears. i count myself profoundly fortunate to have those in my life who without even needing to ask understand my need for their reasssuring presence and closeness when feeling so deeply unsettled. no need for major analysis or conversation, but simply the quiet and easy creation of a little homely refuge from the storm for me to settle in so if nothing else i could physically relax my limbs while curled up in safety. we've been here before and no doubt we'll be here again.

chris told me tonight that one of the functions of the psychoanalyst's couch is that it can become like curling up in the arms of your mother. i think i have profoundly felt that deeply buried primal human need these past few days... to feel physically protected, even though paradoxiacally the storm rages on the be able to trust that if you close your eyes you won't open them to find yourself abandoned... this alone thing is hard... i feel like goldilocks in father bear's bed when i try to sleep at night... ... ... ... i am yearning for home...

one upside of the last few days, the ikon art installation looks amazing...and it's really inspired me as to how much i want my nest to be somewhere that i, and those i love, can paint on...a collage of our lives... not a place to be kept perfect but an every changing evolving pallete of colour and texture...

and i know that wherever my nest turns out to be i now have at least 4 interior design consultants who totally get me and my style will be more than willing to offer their 2 cents worth when it comes to gathering bits of twine and twig... it'll be a good nest...

thank you to those who made home for me today...i will sleep better tonight than i have done in a whiles because of you...speaking of which, it's quarter to two... better hit the pillow and see if i can't get me some zzzzzzz

::tuesday is the new sunday::

LB, x

Friday, March 24, 2006

cloud juice and follies

so, i's got me a therapist.

a freudian psychodynamic therapist to be exact and he ::rocks:: (the highest form of compliment i can give) he opened the door, i saw his hallway and i just knew this was the man for me. instant. i think he and i will get on very well and he said same. so for the time being we will be 'working together', which is a rather nice way of putting it. i have no intention of sharing on these pages what goes on in those sessions but i have no doubt echoes will be evident whether you or indeed i know it or not. but for this one time at least i will share something of what he said, so that you will know the journey i am embarking on and articulate what is possibly the most self-driven act i have ever done.

willow requested we match his code of confidentiality to me by using a pseudonym for him. i have agreed to this, if for nothing else than playfulness... a couple of folks know his name but i understand the mystery willow is also looking to after throwing back and forward a couple of names i came up with the somewhat unoriginal but entirely appropriate Sigmund. as willow says, it gives him an air of authority and wisdom, and immediately coined the phrase, "bring it ta sigmund", which speaks to the intentionality of the process of having "shit" (his term, which is a little freaky cause it's the term i use for my darknesss and he didn't know it) and having a space which i control to bring said shit and where to quote freud as he did, the therapist acts as a vessel for the client's love and hate. a strong secure vessel, "bring your shit to me, i can take it", (ricky and willow actually applauded my recounting of this - and in unison said, "This is cary's kinda therapist!") and where we will be looking to get past the conscious to the unconsciousness (hand reaches back to point to a place behind the head) where all the "crap" is stored. i'm guessing that's psychotherapeutic technical term there. see, he really is my kinda guy. when speaking with affection i may resort to the more quirky style of Sigfield

this all feels like a profoundly empowered place to be. this will be the most worthwhile money i possibly ever spend in my life. it took a lot of encouragement from those who love me to finally do this but i feel i am now pursuing this path because i want to, not because it will please anybody else. i choose it. and i'm excited at the prospect of a journey that will require courage and resiliance because it will transform me and also my relationships and i don't yet know what that will look like and it will not always be comfortable but it will be a more honest existence... and i hope that it might help me shape a life that i want for myself... one where i know my decisions are made by me, for me, because they are honest decisions that will help me build a life where i thrive. live from my mojo. my essence. and in doing so am able to freely love and give as i in turn freely receive.

so friends, this is me taking a bit of control... this is me embarking on a journey to allow the real me to unfurl and to embrace it, her... to commit myself to being a friend to the person i meet...

to thine own self be true.

big shout out to Suz. and welcome back to Mo, Jayne and Gail, who, when they get to reading this, will have returned from their silent retreat under the capable Ignatian hands of Padraig.

right, off to rouge my knees and roll my stockings down by the fire and watch ::Chicago::

LB, x.

dates for your diary:

sunday 26th
3pm - installing the ikon one colour red art installation at the waterfront hall. all volunteers welcome.
6pm - ikon monthly gathering - this time in the waterfront bar overlooking the lagan
click here and hit tour the venue and then selct bar to see this location if you don't know it... should be very cool setting...

monday 27th

launch of the installation
all are welcome to the soiree

the installation will be on all week and you are invited to help dissolve or indeed deconstruct it...

i need sommat alright...

well, therapy for starters, or, as i was recently reminded, we all need therapy...

i don't know why you need might need it but last night i found another item of concern to add the list to take to my potenial-therapist tomorrow.

i watched american psycho on the TV last night and was reminded of the fact that, even while weilding a chain saw, i found christian bale rather beautiful and i'm so lying when i say rather...his despicably mysogynistic slaughterfest and downward spiral into complete psychopathy did nothing to dull my liking of the man. ::thud::

so it's no surprise that on a trip to the supermarket after a very crazy day in the office, that i,

(and yes the observant amongst you will note that this is thursday and i'm not 'paid' to be there on a thursday, but that's the kind of week it's been and i say 'paid' because i don't know when i'm actually getting my salary this month...did someone mention funding crisis? anyways despite nightmare cashflow scenarios if the beaureucratic wheels of EU funding programmes would get up of their asses and bloody well TURN and show us the money we are owed, there will actually be money in the coffers to pay me a little longer, at least through april and at 4 days a week, not 3, which i agreed to because trying squeeze 5 days work of your own job plus a significant chunk of your non-existent line manager's job into 3 days was getting a little fraught. but well, i could be living in a slum with a 3 mile trek to clean water so i really cannot compalin. i'm bloody fortunate. anyway, this is a parenthetical digression of the highest order... back to the supermarket)

along with cat food, vegetables, ribena, shampoo, duct tape, set of knives, nail gun and a whitney housten cd, somehow a special edition copy of batman begins ended up in my trolley (cart to US readers - far cooler anyway, like boot/trunk - on occassion the USofA has actually improved on the queen's english). even the good dr doesn't have this 2 cd edition. he has actually just left after one of our ::weekly late night cuppas:: (TM) so i am about to return to continue my first even viewing of said film. i have to admit to taking little in during the first half hour due to complete distraction at the exceptional example of scruffy beardedness on display, (and let's not dwell on the ::drop into press ups:: move which quite frankly i think any person would be happy to see their man do of a morning upon rising) i was regretful not to have seen this on the big screen, batman being my favourite of all comic super heroes - and so far i'm loving the exploration of the darkness he carries. needless to say, the special feature entitled ::shaping mind and body: observe christain bale's transformation into batman:: had nothing to do with said spontaneous purchase... nothing. at. all.

been quite excited all week. looking forward to our first date and seeing if this could be the start of a long standing relationship...with the therapist that is...

hope you're having a good week folks.

back to the movie...

LB, x

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

i'm inspired when i'm found

sorry if you've been dropping by over the past week to find there ain't no news. power cable on my ibook (aka baby) has broken and she ran outta juice as we headed into the long weekend. beannachtai na feile padraig by the way, belatedly.

thanks to lynn for amazon gift voucher. totally unnecessary payment for my services but nonetheless very very appreciated.

thanks to claire d and andrea for your emails... i'll be writing to you all once i've got my baby back on the road...

can whoever has my copy of ::cabaret:: please lemme know.

divine inspiration

Double agent

this morning i had a choice on the car radio between the scissor sisters on radio 1 or embrace on radio 2 - i chose the latter. i confess to knowing nothing about embrace...i have no idea if i know anything else they've done. a quick search on google suggests i have been living under a rock for several years. either that or i don't listen to the radio enough. i'm uneducatingly guessing they are quite popular but not considered cool by musoes. i'm thinking their latest single puts them musically somewhere into the camp of U2, coldplay and keane. but their new single ::nature's law:: keeps making me think i wanna go back and rediscover spiritualized... i keep finding myself humming it...

LB, x

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

we hurt each other, then we do it again

this week chris moyles has been evangelically promoting the new version of U2's One featuring Mary j. Blige on his radio 1 breakfast show.

so, 3 mornings in a row i've heard it and each time i have been struck by that line

something resonating about our persistance as humanity to be brutal to one another...

also thinking there are reflections of our unhealed fault lines damaging the other in the line:

you act like you never had love
and you want me to go without

regardless, i returned to the song as i read this article from the greenbelt website... look for 'click here to read jill's full article' in the right hand side bar.

after yesterday's playfulness this is something of an entirely different nature...

powerful stuff. and for once i can guarantee that ain't hyperbole...


Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other



colour me shaken and humbled,

(if you want to know more on this issue check out Amnesty's SVAW ongoing campaign)

LB, x

::learn to heal with the ones you're with::

Monday, March 13, 2006

eurotrash fur mein frend

zer is leetle elz zat induces me to geegle more zan zee use of silly aczents...

eet eez sumsink my brudder eez very gut at...brunch on zatruday chez moi vas conducted by ewan, mark unt gareth in ze style of john o'donoghue - ze ENTIRE meal...mais, zer av also been moments in zee past few dark munts ven my frent ricky as put a schmile on ma face wiz random utterunzes in a schlightly schleezy geshtapo-esque akzent or zends me le texts in zee spanglish or le francais merde...

donc, eet eez for zat reason, unt beekoz ve vere aving a parlay on zuntag about ze need to av a playful zpirit if you vant to be creative unt free, zat i am blogging like zees to say zank you to monsieur maqueeeelan pour le text massage yesterday evenink tellink me zat zeeting in common grunts he over erd zomeone order unos achocalypse now! despite ze fact zat eet as not bin on ze specials boardos for deux veeks... i av birthed a legendario. bravissimo.

eet vas a vell timed massage - zent wiz zee intention to cheer me vile i vas engaged elsewhere in potentially tense converzation. eet was and eet did.

zo, merci beaucoup mon ami. muchos appreciatos pour your kindness...

all vill be vell...unt never take urzelf zo zeriously zat you forget to be like unt petit kinder...

LB, x

p.s. as i am aware that many of my readers will not have the same high level of multilingual fluency that i am so clearly fortunate to have, i shall be returning to my usual abuse of the queen's english in my next post. :0)

qui? et pourquoi?

so, my sunday in clements continued in the following vein:

willow read what i'd written (see previous posting) as i cried for the second time in public, this time for both sadness and gladness. it comes highly recommended, just letting emotion quietly run down your face and not trying to hide it... it is very freeing - why be embarrassed about being able to emotionally express yourself? i sat with my head on her shoulder and soon thereafter i was recomposed and several men lost the nervous look in their eyes.

next couple of hours saw some level 5 with ricky over yet more caffeine, in which we talked about creative sublimation and healing fault lines and i didn't leave Clements till well after six, at which time the staff applauded me and the manager presented me with a trophy (a tall pepper mill) for my long service to the company. it was cute if not embarrassing.

after some stew and wine and chat with jayne and becca we rendez-vous-ed with mcquillan at QFT to see ::Cache:: (that's french for Hidden)

frustratingly i can say virtually nothing about this film without spoiling it... but it is quite possibly a masterpiece.

LB, x

F.W.O.A.B.W, C. ™

wrote the following mid-sunday... rest of my weekend news will be posted sometime on monday.
for now, i am off to bed. nitey nite. x

So, one tearful farewell and he’s gone. We packed a lot in to just a few days but we have created many wonderful memories.

Saying goodbye was hard. As hard as I imagined and harder still… as I write I am sitting, as I always do on a Sunday, in Clements… sitting with dani, gail, jonny and charlie and it’s soothing the feeling of aloneness I felt as walked out of the airport this morning… reminding me that I am cared for, inspired by charlie’s infectious mirth…

I have been blessed to have this last week with ewan… to feel the security of his presence, the ease of being. The shared memory and history, the laughter… he makes me laugh like no other…he has the wealth of characters inside him, being with him is like having a walking talking version of all your favourite TV comedies with you and they magically know exactly just the right punch line to make you smile…and yet… and yet he never uses comedy to avoid the harshness or sadness of life… laughter is never used to avoid tears…

willow and devon have joined us. willow and gail are discussing their upcoming trip to rome… and in between the talk of piazzas and trattorias willow and I are laughing out loud at a series of quotes from comediennes in the Observer…

I feel my bond with him in my DNA… I still at times can’t believe that we live so far apart… and my missing of him is a constant undercurrent to my life… an incompleteness only matched by the completeness that comes with knowing he loves me and that nothing can ever stop him from being my brother… nothing can ever change that… it is a constant… what we have is unbreakable in this life and whatever comes next… home is where ever he is…

As I write these words tears fill my eyes… Van Morrison plays over brunches and conversations and Sunday papers… I am loved… I have love… there is an ache in my heart as emotions stream down my face… but I think of his smile and his hold and his words as he left and I know that for love…because of love… for that which holds the universe together…somehow we are all taken care of. That I am taken care of. And for that colour me truly, blessedly gratitudinal…

And all will be well.
And all will be well.


::Women complain about PMS, but I think it is the only time of the month I can be myself:: - Roseanne Barr.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

3.30am, saturday

not long home from jonny's. i'm totally knackered but want or need to mark the sensation of the moment...

ever have the feeling of a fountain of tears trapped just south of your throat? i have it now. not out of any one emotion, but the blend of several... a bittersweet mixing of gladness, sadness, regret, nostalgia, peace, love and longing.

maybe if i sit here and type away my rambling thoughts i will find my unspent tears spilling over and finding release...or maybe sleep will find me first...

tonight was lovely. ewan had a beautiful time and treasured spending it with his best friends and some new ones that have won him over this past week...

padraig sang i yearn for home and i felt i was home... curled up as i was in the safekeeping of the people i love with my head on ewan's was a beautiful moment... such calming peace... such gratitude for fragments of time where the unspoken is no longer a measure of distance but a caress for things perhaps in some deep inner place understood... meaningfulness shared without the need for words...

ewan, chris and michael (fry) played for us...their mini-set started with a fresh-off-the-presses cover of low's (that's how you sing) amazing grace. after ewan playing it for me, pad, and ricky last weekend, by pure coincidence mikey mentioned it during the day and so they finished their jam here in the kitchen working out the chords and practising the exquisite harmony with a speed that had me astounded. they followed it by winding back the clock 13 years with the classic forever remain track heroin. ricky confessed it was a significant moment. he'd only ever heard it played live once before - probably the best part of 13 years ago. but he had the e.p. and played it at night in his room. how curious i imagine it must feel to be sitting so many years later as a contemporary and friend of those of whom in one's youth one was something akin to a 'fan'...i know how meaningful it was for me... but i was struck that here was a friend with a past... and sitting there as the lads played i realised that they were the common link between his past and my own... and how curious that felt... and yet how comforting... threads being weaved across time and space...

it is all too easy to forget just how beautifully my brother plays bass guitar. michael said it is his use of harmonics, but i confess to having no idea what that means. but the word that comes to mind is fluid. he plays the strings like they are not metal, but water... i get to hear chris play and sing with some regularity, so it was the sight of ewan and michael (on guitar) that struck me...two friends reunited after several years doing exactly what you feel like they were born to do... such physical connection with their instruments... such connection with each other... i could almost see the threads binding them.

tiredness comes before tears... but the feeling is abated a little...

it will return again until i cry it out...

i pray for healing.. for safety to return or be birthed anew... for fragile threads to be made stronger...for vowels and consenants to wrap themselves around the unspoken that stands for broken...

to feel ease...

LB, x

Friday, March 10, 2006

frank n chicks n ukes

really mixed bag today folks... it's end of the week so there's threads to be tied off...


fell across this earlier in the week... thought chris and david might be interested in the concept... this takes fan fiction to a whole new filming:

Millennium Apocalypse

asking, WTF is Millennium, or trying to remember the name of that guy in season one episode 10? for newbies or loyal fans - this is a seriously good fan site. the kind Chris could take a bath in:
Millennium Abyss


Wednesday was International Women's Day...i was in a spin and so let the day pass without celebrating the BLISSfulness.

so here's a site for the gals...Ladies Against Feminism

::Feminism is the radical notion that women are people::

in a delayed celebration of the day i think i might wear my feminist majority foundation t-shirt tonight to the partay,

9pm on tonight at the mcewans. bring your beverage of choice and an instrument if you have it.


thanks to mo and rainbow dreams for kind words of light... (kinda liking not having a clue who you are RD but thank you for the encouragement - it is hugely appreciated)


padraig is happy because of this

have a great weekend.

love the ones you're with.


Thursday, March 09, 2006

a good man is hard to find

well if the only true currency is what we share when being uncool then last night i was rich...

this will be a little incoherent - i wrote much it while exhausted last night and tonight i am again tired... so forgive me if this is less than eloquent... but consider it me aiming to be uncool and honest...

toward six pm yesterday i practically fell into common grounds... barely able to stand...i don't mean existentially, but physically... stressed to the hilt and hardly capable of holding up my own weight after a day with only one cup of shite coffee in me and more stress than i knew what to do with... i stumbled through the door feeling like i had no more strength to keep going...the resident basket case was ready to give up... collapse in the ditch...with so much change ahead i was paralysed in panic...

sometimes the act of friendship is in the giving...gareth showed the true measure of a man... he literally took me out of my place of immobility on the sofa, took me for a steadying drink and we worked out together how to practically deal with the multitude of changes and decisons that had me overwhelmed...

he saw my vulnerability, my wound-up-ness, my terror at not feeling like i was in control of my life... and he embodied commitment to friendship... and my part was to accept what he was offering... solidarity and practical assistance... we'll work this out together... let's look at what we can solve and how we're gonna do it together and how we deal with the stuff that doesn't have easy practical answers...

here we are wandering in the desert... i stumbled... tripped up over my feet... and here was a good man... who turned and offered his hand... picked me up and sat me down by the roadside and helped me redraw the map... reminded me of the others on the road... named the people who i can count of those is jayne...

feeling restored, and all the stuff that had felt like a tsunami of change now a series of challenges to be dealt with not by myself but with the support and comradeship of a team of fellow travellers, jayne and i had a great discussion about what it means to us now to be intentional toward our 'for want of a better word community'... to be committed... that we are living out the practical realities of caring for one another with intention.. the stakes are being upped... this is where we start putting our money where our mouth is... where we become more like family than friends... where we learn to trust and to receive... to ask for trust that when we are lying with our face in the dust that there are those who will help you back on your feet...where we start to make joint decisions...

community... i believe it is the living act of intertwining your life with others... and letting others weave their life into yours... of bearing each others burdens...

it is one thing to be told that you are priceless, it is another when you are treated like you are... i was treated last night by gareth with love in action... and my loving repsonse had to be to accept his help...because sometimes friendship is not in the giving but in the receiving... of allowing others not just in behind your walls but to actually let them help you heal... chris and i have been talking about the idea that there are fault lines within us... they are caused by the shite life throws at you.. the rejection, the deaths, the hurts, the is not your fault they exist but if we are not careful they control us... and we act out of them, our fault lines cause us to hurt others...we may not mean it, but we do... at some point in our life we have to start dealing with those fault lines...taking responsibility for them... healing today i finally got booked into see a therapist...i know there are several of my beloveds who are rejoicing at this news... and yup, i am really bloody glad i've had the courage to do it...and i'm gonna look at this way: this is not simply going on a journey to heal the cracks, it is a journey towards embrace the light that seeps through those fault lines... from without and within...

community is maybe this: that as we travel this road, when one stumbles, the group stops, no one runs on for all, and all for one... it is not about you and i but about ::us::

ben said tonight he'd been reading colossians...that love is what binds the universe together... that god is that love... i want to help in the binding... and i want to be bound... held in its forcefield... we are the kingdom... we are the promised land...even in the desert i already have that which i seek... it is my fellow wanderers... the ones who are linking hands and saying we are broken... beyond saving ...loving one another... intentionally... with commitment... maybe... maybe there IS hope...

if i do not have love i am but an empty shell... so come on, seep into my cracks... let me feel the light...because i want to be healed.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

i was not made for minimalism

first up: happy birthday to danielle louise, lynn and michael. all born on the 7th.


here's some thoughts on the last 36 hours or so...

there is little else that warms me more than when folks i love curl up on a chair to read a book or doze while i potter about.. or put the kettle on the stove.. who know that of course i'll want the fire set and lit... or to go ahead and open the bottle of wine or select music for the stereo and know me well enough to know what i'll like... when i see another feeling safe under my roof it makes me feel safe in it too... this place is my nest and i'm more comfortable in my nest than anywhere else...but it never feels more like home than when it is being shared by those who pad about it in like cats...there's something beautifully familial about it all... and it is a joy to see the little adjustments as those i love enter my space and little by little trust that when i say "make yourself at home" i mean it...who start to get my controlled sense of clutter...that my home is a continually changing canvas on which i collage my life and loves...

had a delightful chat with willow, who dropped round for a cuppa, and is infectious in her enthusiasm to embrace new experiences. we listened to metallica and moshed just a little. i've offered to join her in a goal for 2006 - the go to a hard rock/heavy metal gig, wear black and let go... bring it on.

like willow, gail is learning to settle in and napped on the couch. it made me smile.

stu and keli continue to affirm me and my home space so beautifully by their ease when they are here. it is an important goal of mine to make wherever i live be a place where people feel they can relax and be 'at home'. these two just get that instinctively and it's nothing short of lovely.


started reading stephen king's latest novel, ::Cell::. as soon as i finish here i am going straight back to it... brilliantly macabre, gripping from the outset and delightfully contemporary - the first book i've read where a character is wearing an iPod...

also purchased the ::Novelty Library:: by Chris Ware, his follow up to ::Jimmy Corcoran, the smartest kid on earth:: dark dark DARK sense of humour but crafted with finesse. the most beautifully packaged comic book i've seen yet. up there with mcsweeney's. i think graphic novels are gonna become something of a fetish of mine...

chance meeting and conversation with the equally delightful, gothic and always quirky jon and amy led to discussion of same...jon's into graphic novels and i got a recommendation for the next installment to my collection...and yes i've already been to amazon to source it...

ewan picked up some vinyl. since we were in virgin it seemed rude not to buy the latest mogwai album. only time will tell if i'll consider this a classic in their discography, but track 6 is a stunner...


with ewan sitting beside me and giving me encouraging arm squeezes, i contacted two potential therapists. first one has his books full so can't take on new clients. awaiting call back from second. but it felt like progress.

fascinating conversation with chris about the psychotherapeutic understanding of language and our use of it...

recieved a lovely gift from john 'presmo' - short stories by evelyn conlon. very touched by the gesture...

received payment in excess of costs for two scarves i knitted for the common grounds boys in recent weeks, and for a moment i was a professional knitter. of scarves. (haven't tried anything else yet.) i do it for love not money, but it's a little landmark when you get paid for your craft...


started into a chocolate brown scarf for ewan. half way done already.
i knitted at tuesday group. chris declared he believed that surely no one on earth tonight bar me was knitting whilst listening to boards of canada, (which we were). be it unique or no, i thought it was a depicted me in a way i kinda like. it sums up a me that i'm happy to embrace. and given that this Lent i am following strict instructions from jude and jayne in the hard learning curve of self affirmation that too felt like progress...


tuesday group was a joy, or as daniel calls it, ::friends night::
i don't know if i will ever be a mother... i've never thought of myself as particularly maternal... but in chris and suz i see a model of great parenting...

chris read us two poems by patrick kavanagh...


The light behind a written word,
The silence of a singing bird,

The quiet at the root of trouble,
Not love, but love's ecstatic double,

A child asleep upon its prayer,
The glance of eyes that do not stare,

The beauty-spell of things uncouth -
These are the marks of living truth.


To your high altar I once came
Proudly, even brazenly, and I said:—
Open your tabernacles I too am flame
Ablaze on the hills of Being. Let the dead
Chant the low prayer beneath a candled shrine,
O cut for me life's bread, for me pour wine!


blaze on friends,

LB, x

oral fixation

in gaelic traditions there is a form of mouth music, which i am led to believe is known as puirt a beul. somewhere in my childhood i seem to recall hearing that way back when in ye days of olde, religious conservatives (probably calvinists) in the west of scotland banned musical instruments such as the fiddle because they would lead to dancing. factually true or no, i like it as a story of rebelliousness against religious attempts to constrain the creative celebratory spirit. necessity is the mother of all invention.

anyway, here is the hip hop equivalent. mouth music 21st century style and a fine example too...

ewan stumbled across this guy in myspace and this little video of his appearance on jools holland has been providing entertainment since.



LB, x

Monday, March 06, 2006

let's promise to be uncool

Sitting in the kitchen with ewan’s ipod in my ibook. Listening to a ::modest mouse:: covers album tiny cities by ::sun kil moon::. Loving it. Absolutely beautiful. I wish you could hear it right now. check out for more... one of the nicest sites i've seen in a long time...

Neverending Math Equation
by modest mouse/covered by sun kil moon

I'm the same as I was when I was 6 years old
And oh my God I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
On a plane, I can see the tiny lights below
And oh my God, they look so alone
Do they really feel anything?
Oh my God, I've gotta gotta gotta gotta move on
Where do you move when what you're moving from
Is yourself?
The universe works on a math equation
that never even ever really ends in the end
Infinity spirals out creation
We're on the tip of its tongue, and it is saying
We aint sure where you stand
You aint machines and you aint land
And the plants and the animals, they are linked
And the plants and the animals eat each other
Oh my God and oh my cat
I told my Dad what I need
Well I know what I have and want
But I don't know what I need
Well, he said he said he said he said
"Where we're going I'm dead."


50something hours in. so many beautiful memories already... poignant conversations where we sit on the edge of tears and where honesty frees us to be ourselves to talk of what intimidates us... much laughter in so many stories with characters straight outta little britain or the league of gentlemen:

'The AV service desk where I work is in the three storey college library.
This guy walks up and says, ‘I’m looking for a book with a metaphor.”
So I replied, “Oh you’re looking for a book that explains metaphors?”
“No. I just need a book. Any book. But it has to have a metaphor in it.” '

meeting of friends...putting faces to the names he has seen here and in emails and heard down the phone line... feels like he’s known padraig in all his gentleness all his life and feels joy in the prodigal experience of getting to know him... delights in shared history with ricky, gratefully embraces the camaraderie of finding he had skipped the class where guys 'round here are taught to resort to abrasive sparring to speak friendship... saw willow’s self depreciating shyness in her smile and instantly wanted to be friends... talking music and brian taking notes...seeing his smile when his best friend walks into common grounds, and seeing chris's smile as they greeted each other...

having him here reminds me of the beauty of my friends...confirms what is I love about each of them... the very reasons I wanted him to meet you...

saturday evening was beautiful...i knew he'd ::get:: ricky and padraig with ease...the four of us ate and drank and talked and the night drew on honest talk confessed our fears and defences...we responded with a quiet embracing of our unfolding... witnessed the courage of a hurt heart daring tentative tenderness to self...inch by inch we walk the path of glory...kindness and encouragement in our stumblings...

ewan gave us a gift in the conversation... showed us a dvd of ::low:: performing the following track...

(that's how you sing) amazing grace
by low
i knew this girl when i was young
she took her spikes from everyone
one night she swallowed up the lake
that's how you sing amazing grace

amazing grace
amazing grace

it sounds like razors in my ears
that bell's been ringing now for years
someday i'll give it all away
that's how you sing amazing grace

oh, can you hear that sweet sweet sound
yeah, i was lost but now i'm found
sometimes there's nothing left to save
that's how you sing amazing grace

amazing grace
that's how you sing amazing grace


congratulations to philip seymour hoffman on the oscar. ewan and chris today talked of his performance as lester bangs in ::almost famous:: and ewan quoted the following line, which once upon a time i had as a signature line in my email...

::The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're being uncool. ::

amen brother. amen.
LB, x

Saturday, March 04, 2006

shit eating grin of joy....


:0) :0) :0) :0)

Friday, March 03, 2006

1 sleep to go...

thank you to willow for compliments on my haircut. you are most kind.

i am so excited i can hardly sit still... i feel like i am about to do my college finals, driving test, and a bungee jump simultaneously...

apparantly i'm not the only one who is excited. ewan was packed and ready to go by tuesday, bless him.

to those who are in belfast over the next week - i cannot WAIT for you to meet him. and him to meet you.

so - get our your diaries:



Thursday, March 02, 2006


today i shall be mostly getting my hair cut...i last got my it chopped on 31 december 2005, which makes this is my first haircut of the year. can't wait. today i shall be asking my stylist, the lovely sonja at Cube beside george's market, for "a cut with attitude!"

i hope wherever you are that you are that the sun is shining and the sky is blue like it is here... so beautiful.. with the momentary fleeting and tiniest flurries of snow falling like confetti and disappearing as soon as they hit the ground...


i am still awestruck by the incredibleness of this quote from the harbour of ourselves yesterday...

"And the angel says to him, doctor, without your wounds, where would your power be? it is your melancholy that makes your lower voice tremble into the hearts of men and women, the very angels in heaven cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children of this earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve...."


bananie... thanks for your wee message the other day. i am so excited for you gals and the prospect of you parenting... i will be writing to you soon. austin, tx is one of those places i visit on days when i want to feel creative... never actually walked its streets but i have images of it from the film and television and books and i go there a lot when i am feeling uninspired...there's something wonderfully radical about a place where so many people create... in my mind i have a tumble down wee place there with a wrap around porch with fairly lights and junk store finds and i spend all day there writing and making things... just one of my little dreams... OK BANANIE LISTEN UP - I JUST DID A GOOGLE ON AUSTIN TX AND OUT OF THE LIST PICKED THE AUSTIN CHRONICLE WEBSITE. I HAVE NEVER LOOKED AT IT BEFORE. EVER. DIDN'T KNOW IT EXISTED. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLASE CAN YOU PICK ME UP A COPY OF TODAY'S MARCH 3RD EDITION - THE QUEENS OF CYBER SPACE. I WANNA FRAME THE COVER. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. CAN YOU SEND ONE TO JUDE TOO? LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!! MAN! (woman!?) THAT IS AMAZINGLY FREAKY!!! hahahahhaahaha.... i live for these moments of inspiring coincidence... :0) i love you bananie. and i miss you too.
cover here

Article here


2 sleeps to go... i have a nest of butterflies in my stomach... in 48 hours i'm gonna be falling into the arms (no doubt overwhelmed with emotion) of the one man who's love has never been in question... 18 months has been too long...

LB, as in cyborg. x

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

3 sleeps to go...

am gonna try and get an earlier sleep tonight so rather than write here i'm gonna do a crossword i've been saving all day from the guardian. if i start writing anything of significance i'll be up half the night...

in return for a lovely text message the following (of no significance) is for Lynn, who loves her tat news like no one i know:

i give you pages 18-19 of the latest edition of heat magazine... vince tells jen: "get over brad or we're doomed!"

"Another friend [of vince] added, "the truth is, vince is tired of hearing about brad and angelina. he doesn't give a damn and doesn't understand why she should. vince feels that if jen cared for him, she wouldn't have the time, effort or desire to be thinking about brad."

my verdict?
Jen. ditch the tosser. now!

i'm here. and i'm on the mend.
LB, x.


i would like the record to show that jayne and jude are two of the most supportive women a gal could ever want for.

i had shitty night. no. make that a total fucker of a night. my blog. i'll swear if i want to.
but here i am. quite not believing i am actually still in one piece, thanks to a string of texts from jayne and then a marathon 2hrs45mins on IM with jude...

i think i am finally starting to get the message. thank you for your constancy. your care. your refusal to let me say anything that demeans my being. for providing me with unambiguous affirmation. and straight talking into confusion that had me so tangled up like a ball of wool the cat had got a hold of... for showing me light when all i could see was my were Christ to me tonight.

i came to an awareness tonight, thanks to something Jude said, that there are things i say, which to those who love me are painful because they are lies. lies i've believed about myself for a very long time. and one of the results is my ability to put myself down and treat it like it were fact rather than seeing it for what it is, so much so that i can say it and not even realise i am putting myself down at all...

that's as much level 5 as you're gonna get tonight from me. but i'll add this for good measure:
i know i'm not the only one that does this. we all do it. it keeps us from ourselves. and from each other...


oh. that'd be Beautiful. Loved. Intelligent. Sexy. Strong.

it certainly describes thems two... jude wants me to get it as a tat. where? come on. where else?


4 more sleeps and my brother arrives. and i cannot wait to see him. he is one of the safest places i know. the safest i have ever known. he is my home.

speaking of sleep. let's see if i can't get me some...

LB, x.


this last bit is for Jude...

you used a word tonight as we IMed that pricked my ears, or was it my eyes? you'll know it. i hope you remember the exact context you used it in, 'cause it makes this all the more beautifully poignant, if not ironic... well anyway, to a geeky 'phile like me, that one word is forever bound to one moment. so i'll let Mulder do the talking, 'cause it says it all and ::you:: deserve no less a sentiment:

"Scully...I didn't know who to trust. Then I chose another path, another life, another fate... The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside down. There was one thing that remained the same. You were my friend, and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant. My touchstone."