paul reminded me of the importance of play
something i so need to be reminded of. i know i am far from alone in having to work at having fun. of letting myself enjoy moments with unabashed exuberance.
these things are a balance - to avoid avoiding life and pain by gluttony or hedonism and only going after moments where one can pretend there are no wounds needing healing is no better. i know i've been hurt by that as much as by the asceticism of another, those who refuse to let their hair down at all. neither extreme is fun.
somewhere in the middle, there's healthy delight in the world. i remember one of the last times i felt that unabashed wonder, where i had no self consciousness and let enthusiasm and wonder roll from my lips without censor. i felt light and carefree. i count it as one of the most beautiful moments i have ever known. for i felt like the me i had always wanted to be. relaxed in myself. unashamed to let another see me at my most unselfconscious.
the fear that one will not get back to that place, ever feel that sense of delight and play, that art is to be embraced like a child, with wonder is palpable. a fear of not finding oneself again. that healing has limits and i won't be found whole. but with an essential capacity for delight missing.
but i hope not. today i'm going on a search for some art. a gift to myself. to let my mind switch off for a while from making decisions i am struggling with. let the child within me take over.
:: a lift :: for the soul...