remembering...

this has been a mixed couple of days since arriving home...

within hours of stepping off the plane i received a call to tell me a colleague from my last job had died in ther early hours of tuesday in a murder/suicide following a marital row. he pulled the trigger.
tully and i worked alongside one another for two years. he was a great guy, brimming with enthusiasm and a truly vocational youth worker. he used to loan me cds and we often talked about music. he loved rock music but was unashamedly a fan of A-ha. we'd meet for smoke breaks and he told me about his life. for sure, he had his worries. but he was not the maniac depicted on the front pages of the tabloids. like all of us he was broken. and hurting. and in the end, i'm guessing, profoundly desperate. and i'm guessing Caroline in her own way was to... she was buried today.

for now i'm avoiding getting too close to the emotions and thoughts what few alleged details i know provoke, until such time as i have a safe space, and i'm living under the motto - what would sigmund do?
for now i'm pretty sure he'd say, wait 'til you're in the room with me... there is a darkness one should not visit without feeling firmly anchored...

love the one's you're with...

LB,x

nothin' ordinary here...

greetings from greenbelt, and the last night of an amazing weekend. i've loved it. many highlights. lots of happy memories made.

the post match analysis will happen on my return home. for now i'm off to see the duke on mainstage...

i've been busy of late and looking forward to getting back to scribbling... here's a big reason why...
i made this... well, with much help from a lovely bunch of folks... the roll call comes tomorrow...



be well, be happy...

LB,x

a teaser...

i caught up briefly last night at the Empire with another very talented northern irishman who's performing with chris at ::the god delusion:: and needless to say i cannot wait to hear them play together...

pretend you're drowning, by Chris Fry.

Scatter me across the oceans of dismay
Unwind me, dislocate me, toss me to the sky
I feel my mind like a dancer pirouetting absently
At a door that’s been painted many times to hide the cracks

I talk to the trees now
Maybe they’ll understand my pain
They know the bottom
They touch it
They do not fear as I do

Unhook My Mind

And they say that your laws are like opium to the people
But if they were I would pray every night to feel the brightness of their needles
And taste their rest
But your laws are like a fire
They consume me
They are burning me
I have scars from your dogma
You have startled my sky and I am falling
Startled my sky and I am falling…..

Unhook my mind, unhook my mind
Unleash my dreams
I think I’m coming apart at the seams

He says….

Pretend you’re drowning.

LB,x

gets me every time

"come on come on come on come on come on... my soul..."

a favourite moment of this week so far.

x.

a whole lotta simply

okay. wanna be in bed early (by, ahem, half one) so this'll have to be quick.

by night i am back in merch girl mode at the ::Duke Special Five Nights at the Empire Extravaganza::
jayne's doing it too and we are having a fair auld amount of fun and enjoying each night and their different themes, despite working hard and late. it's an honour to be representing him.

Sunday night was "music hall". cue crowd being handed song sheets and having a big auld knees up and sing song. last night was the night of the "silver screen". cue big screen on stage and pete playing to silent movies. there were some amazing moments. what looked like 1920s or 30s images of folks being baptised fully clothed in a river while pete played, this could be my last day was truly breathtaking. and there were some incredible quirky films which showed how inventive folks were at creating special effects in the early days of cinema.
tonight was the "big band" show - with a 5 strong horn section led by ben castle. cue covers of the Andrews sisters (mo and lynn, you would have loved it!) and the closing number was an AWESOME cover of ::hit me with your rythm stick:: this show was the strongest so far and helped by a crowd that were totally up for it.
if i understand the plan correctly, tomorrow night features two different choirs with 20 members apiece. i've no idea what thursday has in store other than i suspect i will not be making it to bed between the after show party and the arrival of the taxi at half five to go to the airport.

this week is going to result in the production of a *very* special piece of merchandise, which i cannot wait to get my mits on. keep your eyes and ears open...

::

by day i am desperately trying to get metres of woolen patchwork sewn together for the ikon gathering. hence, tonight i need an early night.

but
come friday night i'll be on mainstage doing backing vocals for sarah masen with a group of fantastic women, some whom i love to death (like jude) and others i have yet to meet but know i'll love and as a result i've been hearing a few songs (new and old) of sarah's that i've never heard before. check out her new myspace for details...

and in a burning the candle at both ends week filled with very little sleep and much busyness, need for hardcore stress management, worries for folks i love who are in hard places right now and wanting courage to be strong for them despite feeling useless and scared, and learning to let go of the things i can't control because only the fool seeks perfection...well, these lyrics (which are in the set list) seem rather like a blessing, and the kind of prayer my a/theistic heart can sing to...

Ploughman, by Sarah Masen.

Some men curse and some complain
Beneath the strain, beneath the strain
Break your heart beneath the weight
It’s ok, to face the strain

Ploughman drive the culture deep and straight
Drive it till my man is wide awake
Wide awake

Let me hold you through the night
I don’t mind, well let me try
Who has told you not to cry?
That’s not right, that’s a lie

Ploughman drive the culture deep and straight
Drive it till my man is wide awake
Wide awake
Wide awake

I’m not giving up
I’m not giving up now
Oh I’m not, I’m not giving up now

Bend yourself unto the ground
Just get down
Just get down
watch for the first light of dawn
it will come
it will come

Ploughman drive the culture deep and straight
drive it till my man is wide awake
wide awake

it will come…
It will
It will
It will

sometimes we know god's presence by god's absence... and then some days when god seems entirely absent, something like presence seems to be breaking through like a defiant voice of hope in the strain... somedays i wonder if G-d is simply what we call the will to live life with hope and courage and kindness to ourselves and others... and for a ::simply:: that seems like a whole lot...

so, here's to sarah and jude and the gaggle of goose gals who'll be jumping around and celebrating life on friday night
and
here's to pete, jonny, jon, jayne, padraig, chris, willow, shirley, cazi, kellie, michael, and norah and the generous others who've come on board as supporting 'cast' in ikon, who'll be celebrating life in a rather different but no less real way on saturday night...

::

and
here's to the ::team fury enclave:: and all who eat in fellowship in her and will most definately be celebrating life all weekend...
and
heck, here's to all travelling over the next few days to 'belt it out and celebrate ::heaven in the ordinary::
looks like we might not need our wellies after all. [cue homer s. woo hoo!]
and finally,
here's to those needing healing... it will come...

so colour me fucking gratitudinal (for once i will not hold back on the expletatives) for the joy of getting to share this journey with folks for whom i *really* admire, respect, and love...

also colour me sporting a new and most dramatic ever (read: asymmetrical) haircut (this is becoming my favourite day of the month).

right, half an hour later than i intended, off to bed i go. i'll likely post next from the fest, with photos. let's do this.

LB,x

flaming beauty

took these shots a couple of nights ago in the garden... my neighbours tom and lisa, and their fellow fire twirler, claire. i took about 180 shots. these are some of my favourites... i knew there was a reason i moved into this place...











LB,x

not ready to make nice

took time out from the wall to wall ikon zone i've been in to join jayne at qft for the dixie chicks documentary, shut up and sing

i could write a lot about this doc. but i think i'll shut up and give my review in visual form:



LB,x

a game of musical....

in the mood for rocking out today. way too much energy to burn off...

Snap!

...mission accomplished.

the weakness of god - teaser

Predictably, many religious leaders have been rushing to the nearest microphone or camera to explain that, while these are all innocent victims, we cannot hope to explain the mystery of God's ways - implying that this natural disaster is something God foresaw but for deeper reasons know only to the divine mind chose not to forestall. Others are telling us that God has taken this terrible occasion to remind us that we are all sinners and to dish out some much-needed and justifiable punishment to the human race.
Tell that to the father who lost his grip on his three-year-old daughter and watched in horror as she was carried out to sea.
Those are blasphemous images of God for me, clear examples of the bankruptcy of thinking of God as a strong force with the power to intervene upon natural processes like the shifting movements of the crustal plates around the Pacific rim as our planet slowy cools - the decision depending on what suits the divine plan.
One can look upon the book that follows as an attempt to think of God otherwise.

January 2005.

preface to the weakness of god: the theology of the event by john caputo, in the aftermath of the south Asian tsunami of december 2004.

taking stock

sitting at deane's vincafe and feeling uncomfortable that the man sitting beside me is talking to no one, or perhaps it is me, and saying odd things not encouraging me to look round and lift of one's headfonz to respond... conflicting feelings abound... of how to be human...? i think he's probably just intoxicated.

i'm content today. knackered but content. i am living on Mountain Standard Time (USA). and i am sick of it. but, in all other matters i am almost disturbingly calm and unworried. external things are all over the place and i've lots to be getting on with, but my internal world is decidedly at peace. something must be wrong, surely...

oh -- thank god -- he's been joined by a friend...awkwardness over...

if such moments are about disconnection then it sits well with the recent and ongoing theme of connection, which i have been returning to time and again as i muse on where i'm at these days...

something is evolving within... a new way of understanding how meeting with others is meeting the self... learning that one really is in a better place when one does not let others define the self...that to be more secure in oneself leads to better connection... makes it so much harder for others to pull you into their own storms and to not dive headlong into their darkness, let alone make it your own... i'm learning the long overdue art or perhaps craft of judging distances and learning how to keep others at the safe distances i need, and in turn appreciating closeness with others where i am secure in mutual care and consistency...

i've been working hard on becoming the author of my own destiny. wanting the script to change. to choose what my life will look like rather than be bound by the fear of others.

and i can't quite make sense yet of why it means that now it is easier to say i love you and mean it, and not fear abandonment attached. perhaps it is the magic circle of salt i've drawn... further out that before... giving me more room...allowing me to see that there is a difference between loving someone and letting the storms of another rock your world to its core and dwelling in it with them... i am learning to love more freely...

i am learning how one can fear less when one knows that there is a boundary line built of self respect and care... and i think i'm learning to both take responsibilty for when i get it wrong, and in turn how to call it when enough is enough.

Sigmund has at times played border guard for me. i'm yet to prove him wrong.
love is not so close you can't see what's going on...

connection and right distance are bedfellows... good days are when they are not fighting over the blankets...



there is so much to be gratitudinal for...
LB,x

DJ Shadow v Fist of Fury

i've been lovin' this the last couple of days. went looking for a vid for this track and this made me grin.

kungfukaratetastic... superb editing to mash bruce lee (the french language release of this movie) to very likely my favourite drum n bass track of all time...Stem/Long Stem by DJ Shadow (the first 3mins of the vid) from Entroducing, one of my favourite albums, certainly s far as turntablism goes... turn up to 11... avoid headfones as it's not in stereo...

from 3:05 it's Oasis (F*ckin' in the Bushes) which is new to me and nothing like anything i've ever heard from them

if all martial arts movies had this kind of soundtrack i'd been a much bigger fan.

LB

much to be done

my over the rhine selection arrived today.
so the stereo is wall-to-wall OTR all day. the pre-GDBD era had me trippin' with flashbacks to my early twenties and i'm loving Ohio on first listen. what a great band.

today is also wall-to-wall ikon preparation.
pete's in californ-i-a representing ikon in conversation at the Solition Sessions.
so i'm pulling together the now pretty much finalised running order for ::the God Delusion::

and yes, finally, colour me totally excited about what the crew has weaved together... there is so much to be done in the next two weeks (note to self: write up the massive to do list) but oh sweet relief i'm finally feeling it... wanting to run at it with energy and enthusiasm. it's complex, quirky, ambitious beyond anything we've attempted before and thus filled with risk, and contrary to rumour, this isn't gonna be any less controversial... this is such a great creative team to work with... we do this cause we love the adventure... and i must remember that in the next couple of weeks when i feel the weight of responsibility to get it right weighing heavy and causing stress...

right, back to productivity i go.

LB

guess what i did today...

even i can't join the dots between these 3 items

this is pretty cool in my book. this photo was taken at midnight as the 27th june became the 28th at north cape, northern norway, where for may, june and july the sun never sets. my father took it while on not so much a summer holiday as a 4000 nautical mile (round trip) pilgrimage up the norwegian coast into the arctic circle. this is what he wanted to see for his own eyes: "the midnight sun". colour him satisfied, awed and a little freaked out... i'd love for him to go back to this exact same spot in the winter when the sun never rises to re-experience the northern lights, which, having witnessed them on the lake of bays, ontario (on my brother's wedding day) counts as one of the most awe inspiring experiences i think a person can have on this planet.

::

facebook. an update.
well jude calls it crack cocaine. i can see why. you could spend a lot of time on this thing. and setting up has proved time consuming but i think i've finally got it all in place and can just stop there once a day and see what's going on. if i can say one thing in facebook's favour, it kicks myspace's arse, (bar myspace Music, i consider MS only to be one step above bebo in a virtual society that makes me recoil) if for one significant reason:
FB allows you to define, person by person, the meaning and depth of a "friend"ship. this is an aspect i did not expect. in fact, it's ideally suited for total control freaks (like me) given one's ability to choose person by person exactly what a person can or cannot see about you and even block individuals entirely from having anything to do with you - i've yet to do this but it's a major security blanket. but such is the pleasant, mature and congenial atmosphere in the familiar crowd i'm hooking up with over there i'm starting to see why it comes recommended. everything happens by personal and joint consent. so far facebook is proving adept at tackling all the things i continue to loathe and fear about social networking sites and in particular avoid the sensation of being in one of those hideous house parties of one's teenage years. so, i'll admit to provisionally be changing my mind on this one site at least. i've seen the crowds on there i know i don't want to hang out near and sussed how to keep away from them. so, out of sight, out of mind. god, i'm curmudgeonly.

::

right, given it's almost 6pm, it feels appropriate to consider washing, dressing and making some food...

oh, before i go, can i recommend you go to youtube and do a search for "lego". some rather cool stop motion stuff in there - including the building of a lego millennium falcom, recreations of the famous Ok Go! videos and michael jackson's thriller... all great fun.

LB

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their rights your rights

First they came for the Jews
and i did not speak out -
because i was not a Jew.
then they came for a communists
and i did not speak out -
because i was not a communist.
then they came for the trade unionists
and i did not speak out -
because i was not a trade unionist.
then they came for me -
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

- Pastor Niemoeller (victim of the Nazis).

human rights.
universal.
indivisible.
inalienable.

LB.

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i'm hiding

points of information pertaining to said self concealment...

1. i detest social networking sites.
2. there is a reason why i have an online alter ego.
3. i look back on my teenage years in school with bitter loathing.
4. in the last few hours i registered with facebook.

the idealist in me wants to be able to say it is a nice to have another way to say 'hi' to people i like and love. but the cynical realist in me is placing a bet i last a week.
yet, i will be the first to raise my hand and say i was wrong and that online social networking is the apex of community building and a masterstroke in the evolution of human bonding, if i should find that to be the case.

but frankly, i like refuges. harbours. safe places. if i wanted to exist in an environment in which one's profile is primarily defined by the number of one's 'friends', rather than the quality, i would indeed don my uniform and in the words of frankie avalon, turn in my teasin' comb and go back to high school...

5. i was just offered the chance to "pimp my profile" with glitter.

LB,x

can G-d be verb?

i've been in the company of pete. and for that i feel alive. we haven't had such a chat in an eon and we bathed in it...

what we thought would be an hour or so of catch up on our everydayness and states of heart was instead 4 and a half hours spent in delighted conversation on the direction ikon's philosophical exploration might be taking... we have been exploring the suspended sacred space for a while, but in that space something is happening...

colour us thoroughly enlivened and some seemingly tricky maneuvers transformed into bold leaps of playful provocation...

we talked of ideas and of our own stories, and found ourselves following a path scattered with wordplay, leading to a place where we felt transformation happening... of transformation within happening... an undergoing in radical antagonism...

i have a tattoo, which speaks (as opposed to reads), ::Alpha HaShem Amor Omega:: it is a reminder to me of the possibility that when we talk of one, we are speaking of the other.

what if we not only interplayed G-d with Love, but with justice, hope, to come. would our language still hold? perhaps when the question, "Does G-d exist?" is what divides us theist and atheist, a/theism draws us to a space where we are asking another question entirely...

perhaps, G-d is "to come", is "the happening we are undergoing", is the call itself... is it possible to not believe in G-d but believe in the intervention?

it is the unknowing that seduces...

::

was going to spend a while writing today but i need to run errands before collecting jayne from the airport... yay.

in the meantime, found a treat on the Morning Becomes Eclectic homepage. was heading in to find the rosie thomas/denison witmer set, but never made it past this - glen and mar performing tracks from Once... which reminds me that i can't wait to see the film. there's the original soundtrack recording of if you want me on the the swell season Myspace, that is just exquisite. as mar says on their blog, life does not always offer happy endings but there is hope...

these are not so much lovesongs as lostsongs... we recognise love so often by it's absence...

right, better go...

LB,x

p.s. if you use firefox, and if not, why the hell not, then you should check out a cool piece of software called cooliris. when you pass your mouse over a hyperlink it opens up a preview window of the site. very clever little thing. very easy to set up.