5 years, so it is...

'Bout ye!

I’m sitting in Common Grounds and Baby is back up and running with juice aplenty. Although this return to technologically dependent normality is tempered by having forgotten my mobile phone today.

I’ve really missed having my iBook and the concomittent regimen of writing on a near daily basis. I’ve been longhanding in my note book but there is something altogether more therapeutic about sitting cross legged on the sofa here in my local just letting my fingers run across the keys like I am doing now and seeing what comes out.

So: i've discovered the first major benefit of therapy:
you have a shit week, and at the end of it you get to process it and work out ways to have less shit in the days ahead...

half of my homework this week is to do nice security building things for myself. i considered installing a personal portable peace line known as an iWall but my internl armour is already too heavy to carry. so here's wot i done on my weekend...

I had the kind of Saturday that even the loss (albeit temporary) of my purse and subsequent (needless) cancellation of all my bank cards could not spoil. Although I was quite impressed that I reserved my response to merely spitting out some forceful expletitives and not a full blown foot stamping tantrum that have so often been a feature when faced with such inconveniences. Is it possible that I am developing coping mechanisms? Or growing up? Or god forbid, edging toward a philosophical stoicism? Walking up to the fall’s road in the aftermath of said loss, ricky espoused the virtues of the latter but what this sermon on foot really came down to was a reminder that I had followed through on my homework, crafted a fabulous day for myself with some great contribution of some loving others and the loss of said purse was surely not enough to tip the balance. He was right. A day that started by buying desserts in st george’s market, segued to coffee and the Saturday guardian, which was interrupted by a phone call to let me know I was being given the gift of an Indian head massage by the good dr at kyle’s salon – now that’s got to be the definition of a welcome interruption, followed by a refreshing walk along the lagan tow path with stu and keli (complete with the unexpected joy of seeing a man cycling along on a penny farthing), and a trip to No Alibis bookstore, which resulted in the reserving of some graphic novels (that's comics not pornography btw and to be purchased when I get my new bank cards) under the enthusiastic tutelage of the proprietor, which led to dinner chez padraig with the aforementioned ricky and the mullingtons and the neverbeforementioned mikey, who is Padraig's housemate. Beautiful company all, entertaining chat across a range of subjects from fundamentalism to bad wedding sermons to weak bladders, and as ever, great food and wine. and port. Stocisim or no, in the balance, Saturday was a secure and nourishing day.

Sunday proved almost as beneficial and featured beautifully open conversation of a level 5 nature and laughter that went off the scale and had me in tears and more walking. Stretching the legs in the fresh air is proving good for my spirits.

Today marks 5 years of living in Northern Ireland. Such an occasion warrants some kind of marking. I couldn’t have ordered better weather and much time spent relaxing, reading and writing here has been appropriate celebration. For however different my life is now compared to this day 5 years ago, and howevermuch some of those changes are tragic and a table of comparison between the 4th april 2001 and today might suggest to the glancing passerby that things have hardly been as successful here as i might have hoped now that i am seperated, about to move home with no knowledge of where i'll end up and with no job security beyond a month at a time, I have so much to be thankful for. As I have reiterated time and again on these pages, i mark the quality of my life in the relationships i have. and i may have lost the safety of the most significant chosen relationship of my life thus far but i have spent these past few days in the company of some truly beautiful people, who shine so much. their persisant creativity and commitment inspires and enfolds me in equal measure.

there is much to look forward to this week beyond the indian head massage... jayne called to say the coat we picked out for me has arrived at the shop where she works - it's called miss loren - is utterly impractical (off white for starters) but it is fabulous and i look forward to playing dress up in it on dry days...

i'll soon be able to go and collect the aforementioned graphic novels,

and i'm going to perform an undercover operation on thursday. i'll be taking part in a group therapy training session for students that chris is teaching in the therapeutic centre where he works... i get to "play" someone with issues that make mine look a lot less scary. wednesday evening will involve going over my backstory and developing a sense of my "character" so that i can react accordingly to the 2 poor sods who are going to be thrown in at the deep end and told by chris that under the watchful eye of him and their colleagues they have to facilitate me and 4 others (all of whom i know in real life) in a 45 minute group therapy session with less than 15 minutes warning. and they don't know we're acting.
and for anyone who right now is thinking this may not be a good idea for me right now given my vulnerabalities of late, please trust that i would not be put in this situation if chris thought it would be in any way harmful to me (he hopes in fact it will be an insightful and beneficial experience), and i am "acting" (albeit without a script) in order to help the students - this will be a hands on experience for them and will hopefully help them develop skills to help others with problems like those on whom our charaters are based. i haven't acted since i was 13 and so i'm quite excited and just hope i can pull it off with some kind of authenticity. and i can't wait to see what behaviours the others are getting to improvise. chris assures me that when i see the terror in the facilitators' eyes all stage fright will disappear. yup. poor sods is right.

i will let you know how it goes.

if you are of the kind who believe that sending good thoughts into the cosmos for others is a good thing to do then would you consider doing so for Willow and Lynn, both of whom are under pressure in work.

peace be upon you. or in the words of john o'donohue... attend to yourself with courtesy and care. you are a beautiful creation. more from him in my next posting...

LB, x