it's been a long december....

goodbye 2005. it's been a rollercoaster...

see ya back here in 2006 folks.

be well. and love the ones you're with.

LB, x

one from the heart...

...where the gladness of foundness meets the mourning of lostness and makes a friend.


well, that's the end of one shitty week. today started out with tears... and here i am in the evening typing on a wireless ibook in the kitchen with carols in the background... i made it through my last day of work...

so, rather dwell on its crapness i am instead going to express my gratitude
at having some amazing friends and focus on what i have rather than lack...

i won't do a roll call but today several people in belfast, new south wales, ontario and washinton state all connected with me with supportive texts, cards and gifts, hugs and even laughter.

so i'm out of a job, but this christmas i will surrounded by people who i love and with whom i'm sharing this journey... and when i feel my heart in pain and sadness i will look up and be reminded that i have more than i ever need already...

the cottage is opening up a little for the coming festive season days and will be inhabited by me, gareth, and ricky in all our waif and stray-ness, and indeed Easter and Chloe in all their furiness. and as i type this i am praying that we've enough love and care and gentle tenderness to be something that looks like home to one another and soothe the edges of our loneliness and fear and brokeness in just the right doses for the duration... or at least i pray that's what i can be for each of them...

so here's to the crackling fire, the sparkly lights, to smooth port and strong cheese, to little gifts under the tree to open on christmas morning with a good cup of nashville coffee and kindnesses from friends near and far, who have the tenderness of thought and care to be just what i need when i need it most, and the courage to acknowledge their own fragilities and need for care, and allow me the treasured honour of sharing their lives and hopefully one day being as gentle to them as they are to me.

here's to my family for allowing me the space to make fumbled attempts to have the christmas i need even though it means me not being with them and knowing it's not because i don't love them... but because it sits right with me to be here in this strange corner of the world... and may they know that i am being so well cared for and rest easier for it.

what becomes of the broken hearted? if they dare, they let the love of others slip in through the cracks and take the risk of remaining open to the idea that they are not alone...

so here's to all of you who visit this little space in the web, peeking over my shoulder at my musings... so many of you have brought so much redemption to my life these past few months...in gentle missives and tender care... three months ago this week i had barely the will to keep breathing such was my bereft lostness... and now here i am taking a faltering sneaky peak up at this wide open plain into which i've been forcibly rebirthed, in all its terrifying expanse and unknown-ness, and wondering, if i don't have a map, could i draw (or speak or sing or paint or write) one in the same way i am being re-drawn...and one day make it my home...?

you have my profound gratitude, my love and my prayers for every blessing on your hearts in this season of fragile expectation and surprising incarnation...

the people who are walking in darkness have seen the whispered hints of a great light that looks for all the world like a star filled sky...it is called Love. i am filled with gladness at its dogged persistance and quiet beauty.

may you have a wonderful, peace filled, childlike, magical Christmas, if only in small momentary starlike doses... and wherever you find yourself, may you feel safe and bubble wrapped.

so afterall that's been said and done,

::maybe there's hope::

LB, x

so you wanna be a rock n roll star...

well listen now to what i say
just buy yourself an electric guitar
and learn how to play....
::tom petty::

for all budding rock stars, here's one last frames lyric to muse on: from burn the maps, ::finally::
i read an interview where glenn said this was a reflection on the struggle of doing what he does... i wonder lyrically if he is writing to himself... ie. the ::you:: his him.

in other words, being a rock n roll star is about the music and the passion, not being a star... glenn just wants to play in a band but struggles with an ego just like the rest of us...

reflecting on the gig, i think the reason the frames have made such an impact on their fans, especially once seen live, is that glenn has despite his fears kept it real. an ordinary guy pouring out his soul and when you see it you want to do it. not for the fame or prestige but because it looks like the most amazing self expression imaginable. and you applaud him the way you would a friend. and he still seems surprised anyone is still listening god love him...


finally

did you fall on your way
its a long way down
welcome back to your place
i hope you know it now
cause its true what you say
were the wrong way round

and the lie that cut the worse
has been resolved, then reversed

finally..

ah come on.. show the way
where are you running now.
is it lack of restraint
has you turning round.

and in the end, were both the same
you played your part, so your part to blame

when you want something that much,
it's drawing trouble on your life
and when you found something that good
its hard to focus on whats right

and in the end what hurt the worst
has been resolved and then reversed
and i know its not what you said
its like the letter i just sat and read

finally..

you found something so good
its drawing trouble on your life
and when you lost something so good
its hard to focus on whats right

i love it so far..

::

::breathe deep::

this is possibly the most relaxing website ever created:
http://seed.ecomagination.com/

plant a seed and then help it grow.


here's some tips...
your seed will need you to give it the following:
water
sun
manure
weather: rain, thunder, fog, 'christmas' makes it snow
animals: try bees, bugs, birds
flowers
colours - type any colour in and watch your plant change - you can specify parts of the plant eg blue petals

and the hints do fun stuff

just go see - it'll all make sense
lovely music in background and a unique creation every time
and as your first seed grows you get more so you can be growing a whole garden


simply: lovely

LB, x

so. how was it for you?

... colour me, well, almost speechless.

there are only two words i can think of to adequately describe last night's Frame's set at the ulster hall:

FUCKING AWESOME

when i gave ricky a ticket to his first ever frames gig as a christmas present i said it'd be a great gig. guaranteed. i was not prepared for quite HOW good it would be.
quite possibly the best i have ever seen them play. tight as anything and rocking out with incredible energy. even the roadie looked stunned at how good it was...

they blew us away... within the first few bars i was breathing, "holy fuck".

and ricky and me had two of the best seats in the house. i got direct locked eye with glenn hansard... we were sitting right over the stage... the sound was bloody great...

IT ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we rocked out and lost ourselves for awhile. it was pure energy. so inspiring.


duke special was fabulous in support. we was very proud of dear pete w. he gave it everything...

all in all - a wonderful night of great music, food, drink, and chat...
let us not say the festive season of 2006 did not provide one night of redemption and release and inspiration...

excuse me, 2 colleagues have just walked into my office with a guitar... i think they're about to perform a song... better go...

from the sublime to the ridiculous...

LB, x

Burst

on sunday night some ikon folks gathered upstairs in white's for music and chat. chris and tim performed some britney and madonna and then chris's song ::burst::
afterward he confirmed my suspicion that he was playing it for me. it is a beautiful song... full of tenderness and bravery.

job loss means i am going to have to make some very tough pragmatic decisions very soon, which are no doubt going to bring a lot more changes. never before have i felt such a weight of the question, what do i want to do with my life? and in a period when i am feeling a lot of insecurities and facing up to fears of alone-ness, i am feeling increasingly less confident in my creativity and fear i will be swayed to do the pragmatic thing and go pursue what i can do with my head rather than what i want to do from my heart. guess i should go back to the studio and find that green-ness in me...

i texted chris yesterday to let him know about my work situation and i received this email response... this is quite remarkable...it is rare that i would post the words of someone else without their permission but this is so incredibly beautiful i just had to...

:::::::::::::::::::::::

got your message ----

well - the song seems even more appropriate now - you are entering the cocoon even deeper now. and the pain will twist you into a new shape - and i am sure you can feel it now - the twisting, the coming undone, the uncertainty, the unravelling.....

i don't know what will happen...all i can say is that i love you and i will be here for you as and when you need me....a new beauty awaits you, a new self, new souls to connect with in love and work...and you will burst forth from this, you will open your eyes and you will be outside....

the darkness is only frigthening when you are on your own and you are not...we will walk together and because we do we will be able to summon the spirit to walk with us...because that is the truth..when two or three are gathered there is something else....we will be more, you will be more...do not be afraid of the darkness as it will bleed daylight sooner or later.

let us sustain you and do not be afraid to ask for anything........

so my sister i send you my words again tonight...

"Burst out of your coccoon
wrapped up in the fibres weaved by fallen looms
burst, from the grasp of clutching ghosts
open your eyes
you're outside"

love

chris

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

wow. each time i try to put up walls, and harden my heart, someone turns around and dismantles me with tenderness.

i thought it'd take tonight's gig to bring the relief of tears. i didn't need to wait that long.

LB, x.



p.s. here's some more frames lyrics: - you can listen to em all at www.theframes.ie. all are from dance the devil. an album no collection should be without... at least two of these will be played tonight...


Seven Day Mile

Your will changes everyday
It's a road you've come upon
I can't help you if you want to
Down here nothing gets a chance
It's a threat that's real enough
We can burn this bridge or stay here
It's a breeze everlasting like time
Making so sure that
I can return just to see it from your side again

Always never seems to work
It's a word you never learned
I don't really see a way clear
It's a sea ever churning in tides
In the sureness of time
And our words will repeat now forever again
Well this might take a while to figure out
So don't you rush it
And hold your head up high right through the doubt
'Cause it's just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between here and running away

I don't have a choice in this
It's a road I've come upon
You can join us if you want to

Always never seems to work
It's a word we never learned
Time will be the judge of all here
This might take a while to figure out now
So don't you rush it
And hold you're head up high
Right through the doubt now
'Cause its just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between here and running away
It's line you've been wanting
It's your time
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between here and never again
Never again

And down here nothing gets chance
It's a world too big for us
Time will be the judge of all here
This might take a while to figure out now
So don't you rush it
And hold you're head up high
Right through the doubt now
'Cause its just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between yeah and never again
Never again

Pavement Tune

This situation's killing me
It's got me right under the thumb
I don't know where I want to be
This doesn't make no sense at all
You're quoting every single line
I spoke too much but I was old before my time, you told me

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me

This road is crooked cracked and wrong
They got the odds staked nice and high
I don't know how they get along
Me, I just internalize
You can imagine what they'd say
Given the choice if I could fight or walk away, I'm walking

You see I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make more sense to me

So let me take you by the hand
And lead you through this troubled mind
You said yourself we had a plan
To get us all back to the line
We talk about it everyday
But we keep forgetting what it was we came to say
Now don't we

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me
My life to make amends

Plateau

I'm on a plateau
It's not where I belong
It's taken so many years
To figure out my way
Upon this plateau
It's all been said and done
And every time I try
The words make little sense until you're gone

And everything must change
Everything must change
Upon this plateau
The diamond sky's enough to take you miles ahead
Where the past can't ever catch us
And all your good friends
Are gathering all around
They say the time is now
And so I must resolve to say
It's just me myself again
And I'm just talking to the wall this time
It's just me myself and I
Deciding on a plan

And everything must change
Everything must change inside you now
Everything must change inside and out
Everything must change, change...
I'm on a plateau
I'm on a plateau...

(p) + (c) The Frames 1992-2003

"i've seen what you can do with a blank canvas..."

so, today i got made redundant by virtue of the fact we failed to get 2 major slices of funding we needed to keep going.

good news is: that bombshell was followed by the arrival of my 12inch iBook G4. i am typing on it right now, while on the work wireless network.

and i am smiling...

thank you to the lovely ladeez (jayne, mo, gail, jude, keli) on text and email who helped me keep it together with words of wisdom and love, to john p. at common grounds for giving me coffees on the house today, pete for letting me share some conversation, and ricky for shot of bravery... i am so grateful that i have you folks to remind me what's important in life...

here's to a whole new expanse of white that's waiting for me to paint myself all over it... let's see what i can do with this one, tovarich...

LB, x (off to get a bit drunk - the irish solution to all problems, and indeed the cause of many...)

read instructions carefully

a few words, following messages and conversations of late, as to what this thing is all about...

i guess i just want to say, please don't worry.
some of the stuff i post here is the stuff that tickles me, enboldens me, some is stuff that hurts.

if we pretend there is no darkness in life then we are doing just that: pretending.
life is shit. life is also amazing and beautiful. but we aren't humanized, made fleshly whole and real if we only reflect the nice stuff. the comforting cozy warm stuff.

so, here's some reassurances for those who have been concerned on reading some of my bleaker moments of late:

they are moments - a state of being - they are reactionary and usually temporary
if you look at other posts, often right next door, there is a whole other state of being depicted

think of this blog in a psalmic way - you get the good days and the bad
i blog, as i journal, because i find writing a catharsis. a way of communicating what's going on inside. it helps me. whether or not anyone reads it is almost a moot point. but i'm glad you do and that some of you really seem to get something out of the honesty.
this is the edited version. life is what happens when i'm not blogging and i don't intend this space to be an account of every mood i went through in a day. i'd never get anything else done...and i don't want to worry anyone but if you think this blog has its dark moments you better not see what doesn't get blogged...

if you only got to hear the happy stuff then i'd not be authentically drawn on these pages. i am redrawing my life. it is a decidely scary place to be. but please remember i could not express myself here if i did not have people in my life to help me feel a sense of safety. to support me when my knees buckle... please don't forget the people i mention with such love in these pages. i have them. and i have you.

i do the best i can with what i have. . .

LB, x
well there you go - two posts after all. . . :0)

eeny meeny miny mo

hello all

well you got two posts yesterday but don't think this will become a habit. . .

so, it's time to pick two more frames lyrics for our contemplation and musing. . .my hyperlinks aren't working today but you can cut n paste the urls i give if you wanna have a listen...please use either decent speakers or stick on headphones...

first up - a wonderful example of the frames' crescendo - this starts out small and keeps building...if they do this live and i get through it without major tears this will be a miracle. . .

What Happens When The Heart Just Stops (unofficial) http://www.theframes.ie/v4/music/ftb.shtml

So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing

So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away

Well we got no-one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving

Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement

You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by

There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment

I'm disappointed
I'm misappointed
I'm disappointed

It's so late, till you're gone

and on the same basis, this epic from burn the maps. burn the maps was less than a week old when the lads played belfast a year ago. this track was the diamond in the night - what one friend called a religious experience. and at that stage we barely knew this track.

Dream Awake - www.theframes.ie/v4/music/btm.shtml

There's a point in all your dreaming,
To every time mean has just deserves,
And every time I caught you leaving..

I had to dream awake..

And for every time I came home screaming,
And got sent away, with no warning at all,

I had to dream awake..

There's a calling, a calling, a calling,,
To everyone, who lost something

And who had to dream awake.

There's a fight were not contending,
Where we have to the words get mixed,
And the point is lost
Where we have to dream awake.

So take us under now..
Take us over now..

There's a warning, a warning, a warning,
To everyone, who found something..

next time we'll have two examples of songs in which glenn hansard delivers a lyric in a strangled cry or shout at the climax. . .well that gives us a few options ... :0)

biting the cherry

in a week, half the folks i know in belfast will be at ::the frames:: in the ulster hall. for some it is their first time.

so. this is for them.
from here on in we're gonna be diving headlong into some frames lyrics we are likely to hear. . .

i asked ewan to nominate the first one. he has picked star star** as a tribute to his friend rosie at l'arche, who died last week, aged 42. rosie's story is a remarkable one. she brought immense joy to her community and they are all devastated that she is gone. ewan said when he went to l'arche this track took on a whole new meaning. he just wrote to me,

it could have been written about any number of people i spent time with... i used to think about my friend michael barrett a lot when i heard it...
there's something about their presence that is so beautifully honest and open that made me reflect and realise i had so much to learn from them... and learning how to shine was one of those things...

Star Star ** listen here

Star star teach me how to shine shine
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind
'Cause I don't understand these people
Who say the hill's to steep
Well they talk and talk forever
But they just never climb

Falling down into situations
Bringing out the best in you
You're flat on your back again
And star you're ever word I'm heeding
Can you help me to see
I'm lost in the marsh

Star star teach me how to shine shine
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind
'Cause I don't understand these people
Who say we're all asleep
They'll toss and turn forever
But no rest will they find...

and from me, here's the incredible God Bless Mom, which i think i posted way back in memory of my mother. . .but these days i take ownership of the hard-ness which i used to associate so much with her. . . you'll see how hard it can be. . .there is a desperation to this that i totally love - a raw energy and yet will to survive and a tender love. . . so this goes to those fellow sojourners for whom some days are a test of their own endurance. . .and especially those who know what it means to have a far from straightforward relationship with their mother on that journey . . .you know who you are. . .you are loved. . .and you are not alone. . .

listen here for the breathtaking live version from Set List. turn it up to 11 and let yourself fly out of your fucking mind. . . this is ::such:: an amzing rock out track. . .

(and here's an additional North by Northwest live version, (it sounds like a bootleg) supplied by ewan:

http://www.archive.org/download/frames2003-10-11.aud.shn/
frames2003-10-11t05_vbr.mp3)

God Bless Mom

God bless mom
Best of all
Spread your wings
Fly or fall

You'll see how hard it can be
To keep your side of the deal
And you'll see how hard it can be
To keep one foot in the real

God bless you
Strong and true
Stay at home
Good as gold

And you'll see how hard it can be
To keep your side of the deal
And you'll see how hard it can be
To keep one foot in the real

LB, x

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzmmmmmmmmmmmm

we (in the royal sense) are in decidely better mood today.

yesterday improved greatly after a much needed nap, which i got to have not long after i posted here, in common grounds no less. it really is a home from home. with ricky working away on his laptop and keeping an eye on the time so i wouldn't fall into too deep a sleep (i recommend everyone nominates themselves a snooze guardian, it makes falling asleep in public a far less precarious endeavour, but then maybe i just have some mega level trust issues), i curled up on the sofa like a cat and had the kind of nap you usually only get to have on a sunday afternoon. with soft familiar voices off in the distance floating just on the edge of my consciousness i was able to relax in the knowledge that no harm would befall me while i rested. that i was taken care of. bliss. by the time i was woken from slumber i was practically purring. totally recharged the batteries.
these are the moments in life that these days often mean the most to me. quiet little interludes where one gets to feel safe for a while and not worry about what comes next. to feel completely care free. which puts me in mind of what it means to be bubble wrapped: to have the tender security of friends around you who you know will protect you when you need to power down for a while and stop defending yourself against this world.

so mcquillan, your hired. thanks chum. x

one week to the frames (supported by duke special) and counting. . . .scream if you wanna go faster.

ignore me - i'm just grumpy

narnia was underwhelming - i'm not gonna say any more than that as no doubt many will not have seen it yet. but thanks to gail for sending me home on a decidely mellow note.

weekend was tinged with pms tiredness and a lack of busyness where much was required
thanks to jayne and susan for concern and care amid teenage chaos
thanks to the sunday gals who brunch for good chat and beauty and light hearted levity in equal measure
to gareth for organising dinner and fireside trivial pursuit

life is sometimes like a new set of outdoor christmas lights. you put em up - they look fab and within a couple of hours a whole section of bulbs have gone... or indeed putting up mistletoe as per usual and then thinking, what was the point of that? maybe the good dr lodger will get lucky with a visitor or two.

as my dear colleague claire would say, i feel like i need to be rubbed out and redrawn.

off home to curl up by fire and feel sorry for myself. somedays being a girl downright sucks.

but. . .
the day was not without its brightnesses all the same:
texts and phone messages from a couple of sources reminded me this mood is but a temporary thing and in no way reflects reality - just my hormones taking over - and that i've a lot to be thankful for. especially my friends.
and following a nice chat in common grounds with john preston in which it was quite clear i was having a shite day, i went to pay and found my entire bill had been covered by him before he headed out the door. what a star. so, if you see john please make sure to note to him that he's a nice guy and give him a reason to feel a litle chuffed with himself. and rightly so.

LB, x

we only get what we give. . .

i just bought an iBook. wooo hoo.

alas i have no online access at home at present and until said mac beauty arrives i won't have any. so i'll only be online in business hours. so sorry if transmission gets a bit patchy over next couple of weeks. i'll try and post here and do emails from work each day.

as i came online to tell you that, i thought i'd check to see if the brokeback mountain site was up. it is. it's here. but what's really bloody amazing is the soundtrack. gail and pádraig: do you remember i showed you the maker makes by rufus wainwright on dvd? it's on the soundtrack! looking forward to going to see this film with you guys in the new year. you both spring to mind as suitable movie going buddies for this one. . .

off to see narnia tonight. advantage of having a film critic as a lodger - someone who actually goes to the cinema and has the wherewithall to buy tickets.

i can now confirm publically that i will be in belfast for christmas. it was a tought decision not to go to toronto but one that i think is right for where i am at and what i can contend with right now. which means i can acknowledge my immense excitement at the decision that the theme for the new year's eve party the mcewan's are throwing is moulin rouge bohemia (with no small influence by me i might add). which also means i can now acknowledge that gail and i are in very much the same dilemma:
do we have to do high glamour dresses (i'm thinking can-can)? beauase we both share the issue that it's cool for half an hour and then ya think, "i'd just like to pull on a pair of jeans now, thank you very much". glamour is hard work and often uncomfortable when ya wanna dance or slouch or indeed do port shots. gail is indeed a girl after my own heart. or indeed i'm a girl after her's, whichever way you look at it. . .
so we're thinking . . .velvet. . .trousers. . .kinda masculine chic maybe?... gail does a neat shirt and tie combo . . . so you stylish people please send any links to inspirational web pages this way. . .

it's gotta be sexy. and comfortable. and not cost the entire earth to pull off. . .

POST SCRIPT AMENDMENT: SEE COMMENT BELOW FROM JAYNE. WELL, I MAY STILL GO FOR VELVET YET. . . AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE SPICE CAN BE INTERPRETED AS "HOT" TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR THE GUYS WHO DON'T WANT TO DRESS LIKE LIBERACE. NICE, HOWEVER, TO SEE JONNY HAS EMBRACED THE SPARKLES. . . AND YOU'D KNOW SUSAN WAS BEHIND A PARTY WHERE MEN ARE REQUIRED TO LOOK HOT. I MYSELF, WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SUCH MATTERS. . . MUCH LOVE TO YOU FOLKS. YOU ROCK. P.S. peace 2.5 SUCKS.

so between iBooks, heath&jake-in-love-a-thon, and dec 31st. there's a lot to look forward to. . . and that's just for starters. . . i am gonna to my damndest to have a relaxed, calm, joy-tinged christmas...however awkward and fragile i feel in working out how to be on this new road. . .
and if it ain't, then i know i am not without support and love in my life. i am made to feel safe when i need it most and without even needing to say. . .and i am yet again, bemusedly surprised and deeply gratitudinal. i only hope i can return these gestures with half as much tenderness and strength. . .

LB, x

parting words . . .

Click here for link to Harold Pinter's nobel laureate speech. Unmissable.

i have heard pinter is dying. he was too ill to travel to stockholm so his speech was recorded on sunday in a studio and shown at the ceremony and televised last night. ADDENDUM: guardian says he is due home form hospital next week, describing it as 'good news'.

i'm still shaking . . .

more later. but for now, please go read.

may his parting from this mortal coil be a journey of peace. . .

if you are not outraged, you're not paying attention.

LB, x

coming thick and fast

(or, i forgot to keep my finger on the trigger)

when you can't voice your thoughts and feelings writing is so much more necessary. you feel the inner purging bubbling up. unstoppable. if you don't, you'll fall apart. if you can get it out then maybe you can stumble forward into the next day. maybe if you can find the words to articulate what's going on in your soul then the confusion will be abated and you can find peace.

the private tortures are the conversations we never have the words never uttered the gestures not given all twisting and knotting up inside - riot thoughts.

these non-utterances are part of the carefully constructed walls of protection. the fortress from which to hide behind. but the hiding can't last forever. not if you want to let others in. speech is vulnerability. the words leave your mouth and strike the ear of the other. in the transmission you hold your breath knowing the most horrific truth of love:
when you speak your heart, you become vulnerable to the other. it is their choice to accept or reject you. to let you in or shut you out. you can't get love if you don't take that risk.

and so you turn vulnerability to rejection. add another few bricks to your wall and keep the other out. make them a stranger where they were moments before a friend or a lover or a brother. push them out and away. dress it up how you like. it's not you, it's me. keep out. i'll hurt you. generalise. rationalise. explain away. tell them you're doing it. it's just how it is. this is what we do to stay alive. and in the push, you hurt them. before they can hurt you. this is how you avoid the horror.

will you miss it? regret it? maybe. probably. but the risk of love is one that for some is far too high a stake.

better to have never known love at all than to have loved and lost.

LB, x

::ADDENDUM::

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

~ jeff buckley - hallelujah.

is this how it is for you?

Darling, stop confusing me,
With your wishful thinking.
Hopeful embraces,
Don’t you understand?
I have to go through this,
I belong to here where no-one cares,
And no-one loves.
No light no air to live in,
A place called hate,
The city of fear.

I play dead,
It stops the hurting.
I play dead,
And the hurting stops.

It’s sometimes just like sleeping,
Curling up inside my private tortures.
I nestle into pain,
Hug suffering,
Caress every ache

I play dead, it stops the hurting.

::Play Dead:: by Bjork from the album ::Debut::

rather be loved than a lab rat . . .

friends,

sorry for the ridiculous pause in these proceedings. last week i took a few days 'offline' and more significantly off work and tried to recover from an intense weekend. thanks for all those who've been poking me for a new post. nice to know you guys like calling round. . .

i'd like to say things are all bright and rosy. some bits are. others are seriously challenging my efforts to be surprised and gratitudinal.
yesterday i got protective redundancy notice. meaning unless funding comes in asap i'll be out of work as of 31 december. i knew it was a possibility but we'd been keeping optimistic and making plans. but the mood in the office is now one of thorough disheartedness. we've had several knock backs from funders that had been very encouraging in conversations about our work. it's weighing heavy and i have no idea what i'll do come january if i find myself unemployed. i think i'm in a bit of daze. i've been distracting myself with concern for the well being of A.N.Other. . . helps me avoid turning inward and admitting that this place is a haven of sorts and that i'd rather not face yet another major change. . .

coming soon:
thoughts on john o'donohue weekend. it is coming. please be patient.

musical treat of the week: sufjan stevens' christmas album . . .
http://www.chattablogs.com/quintus/archives/019666.html

this post had been intended to be something of a roll call - i have a lot of thank you's due . . .

gar, deb, bananie:
for the incredible music list for my anonymous friend - i'll compile a combined list soon!

john o'donohue:
for being the most audaciously incredible mystical guru one could ask for. (more to follow on that i promise)

paul chambers:
for whirlwind recklessness and letting me see behind the mask. and getting why the metallica moment is worship. and disarming directness.

willow:
for her bravery. enjoy the passion, sister. we're all rooting for ya. ;0)

ewan and mir:
for understanding.

padraig:
for being important enough that i'm missing you already. our 3 week loss is the aussie's gain.

tuesday group (that's chris, susan, mo, lynn and stephen):
for keeping it real.

gareth:
for a metaphysical barter of epic proportions. the good dr lodger asked me to give up my x-files vhs and tapes and dvds that i have collected over the years and give them to him. since i am learning the hard way that much of life is about letting go, i consented. far quicker than i would have guessed i could. my reward for such zen reckless letting go of my treasure? he has given me his newly acquired complete series boxset ::sweet::

danielle louise:
for being a great date and for my first christmas pressie

keli and stu:
cosmos and christmas trees

jayne:
for stability and the studio

ricky:
where to begin? for goldcrests, treecreepers, collard doves and coaltits. and all the Waxwing moments in abundance . . . see? i was paying attention chum.

::tenderness can sometimes seem like brutality to the broken hearted. . . i know i'm being tested::

LB.x

been there, done that, bought the t-shirt

life is what happens when you should be blogging.
needless to say: life is good. it'd take an age to tell you what i've been up to. so busy. but it's good and fun and creative and i feel energised. also scared shitless. but coping.

keep sending me your recs for my anonymous friend who wants a cool cd collection. she is very excited.

i'm being well taken care of and daring to allow myself to let it happen.

tomorrow night some of the crew in this neighbourhood head to the theatre to see the vagina monologues being performed by some queen's university drama students. this will be quite a night for some of the gang. let's just say the conversations in the pub of late have been getting very interesting.

speaking of the pub. last night. jazz at the kitchen bar. i just happened to be wearing my t-shirt that says, this is what a feminist looks like. willow got excited cause she has same one in pink. chat ensued and i forgot i was wearing it.
later. at bar. ordering a couple of drinks. barman says in an extremely irritating tone that let me know he thought he was being really clever and that implied without question that i needed to be put in my place for just one moment, "is it alright if i get you that order or should i find a woman to do it". i didn't follow and asked him to repeat it wondering where the hell this was coming from. he did and pointed to the slogan across my chest. ah. the penny drops.
i rolled my eyes and gave him a smile that managed to be both bored and unimpressed. as ricky was to point out, in Mulder-esque dead pan, "this guy really understands the subtler points of feminism". what i muttered under my breath as said barman chuckled away to himself while pouring the drinks is, however, not repeatable.

ticket bought for the frames on 20 december in ulster hall. aforementioned mr mcquillan is also in receipt of a ticket. he's just getting into the frames and i'm almost jealous of someone getting the first time experience. duke special in support too. can it get any better. GREAT balcony seats right over the stage. it's gonna be an amazing night. let's hope there's some collaboration.

here's a little treat for yas, ewan found this link: http://framesaver.tripod.com/framesaver.htm

wrap up warm folks. two days til we can expect the snow. (rubs hands gleefully)

LB,x

take me on. . .again

click the title above for a rather amusing and extremely clever animation manipulation. . .a new take on ::take on me::

i guess you'd call this an animation mash up

:0)

in dreams you were laughing

so. happy birthday to my dearest jude. may she have what she called, "a significant yet non-fatal ministry" in this her 33rd year. let's all do a sufjan style cheer for her. or at least do that cute finger wave thang. i love you girl. ::you rock. my world:: thank you for being such a star through everything. your voice on the end of the phone has got me through many a dark day. i look forward to the celebrations to come. mwah!

thanks to debs for her enthusiastic commenting (see below). the anonoymous one was a neat trick. quite threw me for a moment. . . .anyways, i look forward to a sing-in. with a growly rendition of ::rain::
next i need someone to learn ::red chord:: by the frames.
debs, if you are free on saturday. . .actually i'll PM you about that. . .

all others - check out deb's blog, which by sheer coincidence i asked páidraig to pass on to me a couple of days again. deb and i must be on the same wavelength. either that or we need to meet again soon. which for those who've never witnessed it is like a cocktail of coke and speed. we get easily excited about stuff. canadians rule.

now. i have a job for you good folks:

someone who has begged me not to reveal their identity has confessed that they own virtually no cds. could i recommend some to build up a collection? not to ever do anything half heartedly, i said i'd come up with a list - appropriate to their tastes but also to push their boundaries with confidence. this person is female. born in 1974. has enjoyed listening to the following to which she has been introduced to by hearing me play it. . .

rufus
ryan adams - like me adores "love is hell part one"
aimee mann
the frames' quieter stuff
the carpenters (of which she has always been a fan)
duke special
ulrich schnauss
iain archer
dennison witmer
sufjan

she clearly likes stuff with a strong melody. and an uplifting poignancy. i doubt i'll ever get her rocking out to RATM or metallica. but one of these days we'll sure as hell try!

i'm thinking she's gonna love:
carole king's tapestry
james taylor
damien rice
emmylou harris
fleetwood mac
joni mitchell
board of canada
air
oh, so much stuff . . .

but, this needs to be organised.
at first i thought pick a few albums from every year from '74 to '05. but that may be too restrictive. do i build a family tree? or go buy when to play and in what setting?

key request is wanting a nice slection for dinner parties and when friends are over for drinks. also she drives every day. so we need some good stuff for the car.
then there's her saturdays in the house doing the chores. and those days when you get in from work and need to just bliss out.

SO MUSOS: thoughts, suggestions, work plans, spreadsheets all greatly appreciated. nothing too avant garde please.

a treat -
live frames downloads. . .ewan says you might need a codec for them, whatever the hell that means. . .
Minneapolis - http://www.archive.org/audio/etree-details-db.php?id=23572
Chicago - http://www.archive.org/audio/etree-details-db.php?id=30392
Philly - http://www.archive.org/audio/etree-details-db.php?id=23573

sorry, listening to ::plateau:: here in the office and am feeling overwhelmed. . .must be the hormones. 'scuse me. i need a moment. ::star star**:: is next. it's gonna get messy. . . this is dance the devil. it always does.

later,

with fondest affection,

and thanksgiving to never needing to go a day without being held and made to feel lovable, and for the grace in the holding to know that that is an overwhelming experience that one needs to learn to relax into. . .

c. x

now we have slept . . .

when i grow up i think i'd like to be aimee mann.

nothing quite like sharing your favourite music with another. my office mate claire is loving
mann's voice as it spils out across our desks and surrounds our busyness with a languid desperation. . .sweet.

so, from my most loved album of 2002 (mann's lost in space) here's my favourite track. actually, as soon as i say that i feel sorry for all the great tracks i have rejected in the process of having a favouirte. this album ROCKS. no collection should be without it. the whole thing is a work of raw beauty. and in recollecting whispers from a conversation of the weekend, if we can only hope there will be enough beauty to heal us, then this is a could be a place to start. . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INVISIBLE INK

There comes a time when you swim or sink
So I jumped in the drink
Cuz I couldn't make myself clear

Maybe I wrote in invisible ink
Oh I've tried to think
How I could have made it appear

But another illlustration is wasted
Cuz the results are the same
I feel like a ghost who's trying to move your hands
over some Ouija board in the hopes I can spell out my name

What some take for magic at first glance
Is just sleight of hand depending on what you believe
Something gets lost when you translate
It's hard to keep straight
Perspective is everything

And I know now which is which and what angle I oughta look at it from
I suppose I should be happy to be misread-
Better be that than some of the other things I have become

But nobody wants to hear this tale
The plot is clichéd, the jokes are stale
And baby we've all heard it all before
Oh i could get specific but
Nobody needs a catalog
With details of love I can't sell anymore

And aside from that, this chain of reaction,
baby, is losing a link
Though I'd hope you'd know what I tried to tell you
And if you don't I could draw you a picture in invisible ink

But nobody wants to hear this tale
The plot is clichéd, the jokes are stale
And baby we've all heard it all before
Oh i could get specific but
Nobody needs a catalog
With details of love I can't sell anymore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you can get details of her new album at her official site.
i'm gonna purchase the forgotten arm in toron'o - cause that's where i bought lost in space. . .nice to have these li'l traditions.it's the little things that are the big things.

salaam.
c, x.

i'll show you mine. . .

not much to look at yet but i am still excited that i own my own domain name. . . so here's mine. the anticipation of seeing phil's design is almost too much to bear. you can see his lovely work as a designer here and also here and here. too talented for words. i am more humbled than i can say.

had a wonderful friday painting in the studio. helped by a lovely long lunch with susan and jayne.
lots of highest quality women chat. was fab. can't wait to get back and continue my latest piece. the whole experience is extremely liberating and empowering. i can't recommend highly enough living your journey with a paint brush in hand. and seeing jayne at work is proundly inspirational. she is one seriously talented gal.

also on friday, saw the constant gardener. well worth seeing. beautifully shot. beautiful chemistry.

oh, this was fun: thursday night saw the Shy Teds, of which i am one, win the weekly pub quiz in whyte's tavern. not only did that gain us a crate of beer but we also won a free round of drinks for getting the highest score in the science and nature round. having a biology professor on team may have helped. specialist subject was john hughes' movies. we did our research. great night. next week's specialist round is hitchcock movies. sweeeeeet. i am something of a fan. researching this will, again, be a treat. colour me a ::geek::

finally, please see here for Mojji's website.

have a wonderful weekend. celebrate the ones you're with. life's too damn short to do otherwise.

consider yourself hugged.

nite, x

i look around me and i see it isn't so . . .

this is the laziest entry ever. sorry to the timebeing folks who stop by here - nothing new for you today. . .

before the days of blogging my ::time wasting:: was in large part spent emailing on a listserve called timebeing. i am still a member but these days i rarely contribute due to said blog. this week we are submitting our music reviews of the year based on top 5 albums. as is my usual want, i flouted the short list method and offered something a little more expansive and explanatory, which has much to do with the people as the music.

so, this is me in full swing evangelical mode. or, me at my most gratitudinal.

May Hashem make me truly thankful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" so. gar:

slightly abusing the top 5 rule because that's waaay too confining. . . :0)

no 1 artist of the year: sufjan. fave album - illinoise. fave tracks - decatur, peoria, john wayne casey jrn, illinois, chicago, etc etc etc. heck the whole thing.

who stole my heart from:

rufus w.'s "want 2". recently used agnus dei as accompaniament for a community 'communion' - i thoroughly recommend you try it. shivers.

best driving album of the year: the killers' Hot stuff. highlight: the 80s riff in On Top. closely followed by the top gun soundtrack provided by gareth for my birthday. closely followed by prince's greatest hits and bond theme tunes compilation - again thanks to gareth. serious bonding over carly simon's nobody does it better. sweet.

just getting into: ben fold's latest. growing on me.

BOARDS OF CANADA. 'cause everyone needs a bosom for a pillow.

older album that i heard for first time and totally rocked my world: ryan adams' love is hell (part one) - if it wasn't beginning of 2005 it was very end of 2004 but we won't be picky

albums i heard a lot, should've got into more but will probably rediscover later and love as my own: arcade fire and the shins

and rather bizarrely, album being played most lovingly at present: iain archer's playing dead, which certain quarters of the ikon community are having a refound love affair with. it is being found to be most conducive to healing sunday morning hangovers accompanied by jj's market lavaza espresso provided by geoff (he's a complete star) collins for community sharing. and what makes it is that a load of didn't know each other all those years ago but we all know all the words and it makes us feel like we go back a lot further. seriously sweet memory making is opening up in droves. totally unironic. nice offset to our unwitting and apparent dark reputation as the enfant terrible of the emerging church. :0)

album that i can't identify but was a lovely blessing - was a fab jazz compilation mark mcccleary had via julie lee i think. made for sumptuous dinner accompaniament in Provence.

album that got most reaction from listeners: paul anka's rock swings. see gareth's list. thanks to ewan for supplying.

most important musical decade of 2005: 1980s. an unironic embracing of generation x youthful nostalgia. see above and below.

professional gigs of the year:

1. duke special at the empire. wednesday 26/11 (i tihnk). magical. support act- david ford. song highlight: state of the union. i.n.c.r.e.d.i.b.l.e. plus, new duke song that left me close to tears: LOST

2. sufjan at spring and airbrake. a pep rally for g*d. if church was like that i'd be an elder.

3. emeliana torrini at greenbelt. breathtaking. mcccleary and i were like proverbial pigs. g*d bless the big screen.

4. iain archer at derrivolgie. his use of that loop machine thingy was ace. also amazed by the fast emperors. way too young to be that damn good.

live amateur musical highlight of the year:

a tie. same night. two gems that sent shivers down the spine of everyone at padraig's 80s party. over a dozen covers to choose from. but 2 stood out as going beyond well performed kareoke for fun:

1. chris fry's acousitc slow version of madonna's like a virgin with tim millen on accordian. and 2. ricky mcquillan's version of cutting crew's (i just) died in your arms. both took classics and made them their own. a masterclass in covers.

and of course, padraig's ::ikon goes von trapp:: dinner parties. way too many highlights to mention. a collective becomes community becomes family.

THE gig i wish i'd been at: the frames in toronto. october. glenn hansard talks to audience about the influence of bible in his life. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tragedy: death of my ipod. (i am grieving in cold turkey. and it hurts.)

finally - album i'm most intrigued to hear: madonna's latest. everyone's talking aobut the single, which has so far evaded my ears.

way too long as ever. . .but i've been quiet for a while so i'm making up for it."

it's not alphabetical. . . no. . . . it's not chronolgocial. . .no . . . it's auto-bio-graphical.

LB x.

don't forget to breath. . .

yesterday was a bit overwhelming. haven't really had a chance to process it all yet. have a distinct sense of trying to catch up with my emotional state, which persists in leaping ahead of me in a fashion of the gazelle. (although maybe not the one in song of songs.)
needless to say, one of the overwhelming elements was being offered the possibility of a new role in work, funding permitting. all quite exciting: more responsibility, money, creativity and bigger goals.

so until such time as i can figure out how to express the multitude of different emotions of which i am in pursuit - here's a nice quote i stumbled upon today while googling for something else. there is no such thing as coincidence. (there are several of you who will smile because this fits our recent conversations on creativity and finding your voice.)

We have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say. When your writing blooms out of the back of this garbage compost, it is very stable. You are not running from anything. You can have a sense of artistic security. If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. - NATALIE GOLDBERG

message for gail, willow, jayne, dani, keli h:
i just ordered 4 copies of the vagina monologues at amazon market place at absurdly low prices. plus a copy of eve ensler's stage production on dvd.

i'll be in touch to organise a cocktail fuelled ladeez night for viewing and discussing.

let the fun and activism begin. now, gimme a 'g'. . .no on seconds thoughts, gimme a 'C'.

x

congratulations. . .

wedding photos here

sorry to have missed it. looks like a great celebration.

i've written the gals a reflection. with their approval i'll post it here.

x.

sorrow and love flow mingled down

Pádraig was really struck by the juxtaposition of these lyrics on saturday night. So here they are. Pád sang the first and Ricky and Gail the second. needless to say, it was spine-tingling. . . and i was uncharacteristically speechless.

Kirsty - your use of the word dreich made me beam and my my scots blood quiver.

much love to all. keep it real friends. ::this is not a rehearsal and we have nothing to lose but our pride::
cary. x

Jude - this is for you . . .x

Van Diemen's Land

Hold me now, oh hold me now
'til this hour has gone around
And I'm gone on the rising tide
For to face Van Diemen's land

It's a bitter pill I swallow here
To be rent from one so dear
We fought for justice and not for gain
But the magistrate sent me away

Now kings will rule and the poor will toil
And tear their hands as they tear the soil
But a day will come in this dawning age
When an honest man sees an honest wage

Hold me now, oh hold me now
'til this hour has gone around
And I'm gone on the rising tide
For to face Van Diemen's land

When i survey the Wondrous Cross

 When I survey the wondrous cross
 on which the Prince of Glory died;
 my richest gain I count but loss,
 and pour contempt on all my pride.

 Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
 save in the death of Christ, my God;
 all the vain things that charm me most,
 I sacrifice them to his blood.

 See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
 sorrow and love flow mingled down.
 Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
 or thorns compose so rich a crown.

 Were the whole realm of nature mine,
 that were an offering far too small;
 love so amazing, so divine,
 demands my soul, my life, my all. 

gimme a V . . .

three pm and the sky is darkening, the wind is picking up and rain is threatening . . . but nothing can take away from the sheer beauty of this morning with its crisp dry november air in a bright blue sunshiney sky. even the death of my iPod could not take away from the delight that swept over my daily walk from botanic up through queen's, along elmwood and onto the lisburn road. there's nothing quite like having a genuine spring in your quirky shod step.

check out a beauty of a website with music here
thanks to Ricky for spreading the peace, love and good taste. if my own website looks a tenth as lovely as that one then i shall be one happy gal.

since she's vying to get a mention in these pages, lemme tell you about the marvellous ::Willow::
she and i are cooking up a plan for a theatrical fundraising event in early 2006. no more details yet but suffice to say, if we pulled it off, it would mark one of my life achievements as being fulfilled. watch this space for more on the plan and more about the intelligent beauty of the lovely Willow herself.

social life update: this past weekend was amazing. there was a post-dinner 'session' (drink + guitar + singing) at clonard rise on saturday. half ten we started. guitar finally got set aside at half three. i was gonna tell you all about it but i'm choking up at the thought of it. it'll go down as one of the best nights of 2005.
when ricky played the opening chords of dignity by deacon blue i think my heart might actually have stopped. Pádraig had never heard it before. (i KNOW!) so. we set him right. ::f*ckin' A:: from there on in i was happy as a pig in the proverbial.
+++++++++++++
try this at home:
Pád lead us in a fab melody of U2's Van diemen's Land - when i survey the wondrous cross - house of the rising sun - there is a green hill far away.
and another that went from tracy chapman's talking bout a revolution into tracks of my tears with a dash of tears of a clown thrown in and then on into love is strange.
+++++++++++++
so many amazing moments where it all just worked so well. there was even a sufjan rendition. but that's too good a memory to share just yet. i don't wanna let it go.
sunday was spent in various stages of hangover - much of time over coffee with the ::sex and the city brunch:: gang in clements. to be nursed in the bosom of your community is a blessed thing.

i know that there's a whole loada crap going on out there in the world that's needing attention. but sometimes you just gotta sing.



hello to all my gals out there. ya know who you are. . . ::you rock. my world::

now, ladeez - gimme an "a"

x.

where the magenta meets the green

well, way too much to say and not enough time. i hope at the weekend to find the space to get a load more stuff down. yesterday was intense. actually it's been an intense few days.

the collage on canvas, which will morph into a website, was finally handed over to phil last night. i am somewhat at a loss to describe the unveiling, which ended up being to ricky and paul. paul's a pyschotherapist by trade as well as an amazing performance poet and that was rather scary. thank G*d he left quickly. not sure i want to say anything more about it at this juncture. other than it was confessional, soul bearing and intensely vulnerable.

tommorrow i go into the studio with jayne and start exploring. so much stuff to process. so much to learn about the craft. but i am excited as i am petrified.

You can view the Mojji series here: http://www.photoblog.be/photoblog.php?nickname=MOJJI&action=view&id=1607756. jonny - consider yourself ::blinked::

i'm off to eat. i'll say more later.
needless to say, consider yoself hugged.

LB, x

Salaam, Tovarich

Here's a bit of iain, for a friend with whom i have been plumbing the dark broken depths in my absence from blogland. it's strange how different lyrics are when you read them from the perspective of another. but then these days, everything sounds a little different. . . i think i understand. . .

It’s time, it’s time to fake a laugh
Pretend it’s only disaster
‘ Cos silence that’s the worst of all
With your riot thoughts
And suffer, suffer on your own
Don’t make it difficult
And find somewhere, anywhere else to look
I don’t want this feeling

sorry for lack of postings this past week. that'd be the riot thoughts and being down in the deep place where we find what we're made of. have been channelling them elsewhere into prose (not suitable for public sharing this time - waaay too raw) and a fairly large piece of art work to be used by phil in designing the website. i'll try and get a photo taken of it so it can get posted on the new site when it goes live.
thanks for all the nudges and pokes to get posting again. sorry you visited to find nothing new. i am deeply flattered you folks keep dropping by. (hello to harv. good to see you man.)
great thanks to jayne. you'll be hearing more in the future 'bout her as she has offered for me to spend time with her in her studio facing some demons with some creative therapy (or therapeutic creation?). she's communing with the artist in me (i know it's in there somewhere) and i am feeling most nurtured by it, albeit that i simultaneously feel like i'm about to face down a family of dragons.

last night was ikon. i have permission from the originator of the story i told to share it here. i'll post it as soon as i have time to type it.

that's all for now but check out: Mojji.
i am now the proud owner of a Mojji. #10. thank you to jonny and jayne for such a treasurable gift. i'll see about getting a capture of this unique piece up on here.

thanks for the vulnerability of looking me in the eye and being real. . .

::Just throw yourself. like there's nothing left::

x.

this is the day that the Lord has made . . .

. . . we should rejoice and be glad in it.
indeed. but it's Monday. and my bones are a creakin' like a rusty gate. and my head's all fuzzy.

i so wish i could lay claim to having found this but i can't. all hail Pád for a gem of an ebay listing - very much in the spirit of the 80s. scroll down for a superb history of ownership: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8335653541#descript

report (with photos, courtesy of the red headed goddess that is deb whalen) on a weekend of alcohol fueled excess and high heels in which, to use the phrase of one Dr Higgins, "the cogs of friendship melded" and accompanying tribute to the producers of a fabulous birth-fest, will follow when i get the chance.

meanwhile i'm off to write salary cheques. and when i grow up i'll be a Pioneer. until then, could someone please turn the volume down a smidge. every key stroke sounds like hammer striking anvil. . .

they're the best i've ever known

. . .just had to add these little nuggets from Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson, which i'm reading for a new book group that's been set up by a work colleague:

Tell me a story Pew.

What kind of story, child?
A story with a happy ending.
There's no such thing in the world.
As a happy ending?
As an ending.

::and::

. . .if you tell yourself like a story, it doesn't seem so bad.

,which just might be the best justification i've found yet for having this bizarre journal known as a blog.

sleep well friends. may you nestle safely in the arms of that from which we came.

x.

the green's behind the pink

so my apologies for a week without posting. monday - i brought everyone up to date on a rake of stuff that had been going on in glorious technicolour detail. and then something went wrong and i lost the entire post. £*&^)%$^&

so. here's the black and white version (hence the title, which i realise will mean nothing to those below a certain age and from outside the UK):

sufjan stevens at spring & airbrake: marvellous show. thoroughly enjoyable. whole thing was infused with a delightfully geeky warm genuine-ness. highlights: peoria, jacksonville and metropolis.

Pádraig's 30th birthday. utterly marvellous. thank you for the votes for the madonna hair. for reasons far too dull to enter into here i ended up going not with the FM magazine look as all but one you suggested but went as "desperately seeking ally sheedy" with some rather dramatic twists to my hair. despite my skirt trying to fall off twice on the dancefloor the outfit worked well and i didn't remove the gloves even after i got changed into my pj's.
apparantly some bright spark is gonna make a blog page for all the pics. if anyway comes across it - post a link in the comments.
everyone looked fab, music provided by yours truly seemed to go down well on the dancefloor and we danced our leg warmers off and the live performances were amazing with a very supportive and encouraging audience.
highlights: 50 or so guests being led by the fabulous jenn 'flash dance' clark in the choreographed dance moves to "thriller". stunning. and getting to perform "i've had the time of my life" with phil (guitar and vocals), chris (harmonies) and tim (harmonies and accordian) with Pád and Dani playing Jonny and Baby on the dance floor and then every other guest spontaneously leaping up and recreating the closing scene. it was a.w.e.s.o.m.e.
oh, and i managed not to totally cock up an acapella version of 'manic monday' with keli t. we did pretty darn good. or maybe that was the rather large number of smirnoff ice i'd consumed blurring my sense of reality.
but boy, did we have fun.
went back to Pád's for post party debrief and watched top gun. went to bed after 5.
hangovers were nursed over a very "sex and the city" brunch with the morning papers with dani, keli h., and gail.
sweet.

sunday night saw a viewing of 'the aristocrats' at QFT. skip it. really. do not waste your time. b.o.r.i.n.g.
rather more exciting was phil harrison offering to conceive, design, birth and host a website for me. a design board is currently in progress to help him come up with a fitting design. i am very honoured that he is doing it and we got quite excited. you can see his work at the ikon site (see right).

monday saw me turn 32. 1am saw gareth hand over fabulous gifts form london and from his good self as we supped a late night cuppa. bless him. i have spent my birth-fest (which isn't over yet) wearing a rather chic cream woolen cloche hat from jude. very Parisian.

after a rather work lite day and lunch with Pád and a load of work colleagues, Monday evening saw a little gathering of folks for pizza, wine and chat at the cottage. a nice evening with some fabulous gifts. highlight: keli h reading "my vagina is angry" from the vagina monologues. beautifully. what an awesome crew of friends.

tuesday group continued the 'fest with dinner, more fab gifts (including the new boards of canada album - can;t wait to discuss that release with the little bro.)

rest of week has been a bit of a slump. not feeling well at all and didn't make it to work for wednesday or thursday. i slept a lot and lay about feeling sorry for myself.

hence no posts.

today was an improvement and featured a very mourishing therapeutic ::2 hour:: IM chat with Pád, followed up by more IM self esteem boosting therapy and laughs with Jude, from here-on-in to be known as Gabrielle. don't ask.
lots of confessional stuff about where i'm at and it was all very supportive and helpful. thanks to you both.
::you rock. my world::

tomorrow night sees cocktails at a new swanky paris style drinking establishment in belfast at which i shall be wearing a new glam wrap-around dress. shoes (with heels!) and stockings need to be bought in the morning. eek!

sunday sees Pád throwing a dinner party in my honour on sunday night to top off the birthfest. i got to pick the menu and the guest list. niiiice.

so, all in all, despite not being well for a couple of days ad an emotional blip or two along the way, the past week has been great. i feel very cared for and so far am loving being 32.

as i've scrawled on my new chalk board in the kitchen (thanks to brian and jennie),
::one day at a time, sweet Jesus, one day at a time::

blessings to you all. have a great weekend. and whatever you do, be fabulous.

Xena.

p.s. by the way, has anyone seen the ads for Bleak House? it starts on the beeb next week. ooh it looks good. and its been adapted by andrew davies, who did the fabulous adaptation of Tipping the Velvet.

get into the groove

so, here's the thing:

saturday night is Pádraig, my love's 80s themed 30th birthday party. this is turning into a major event of the social calendar.

outfit is bought. the look: early madonna.
working from feet up:
my famous black destroy bumper car/minnie mouse shoes - thigh length black and red stripy socks (possibly with suspenders, which are getting the community vote but not yet mine but we'll see how many cocktails i drink at the pre-party dress up/make up party!)- short black layered mini skirt - black tank top with little black cami over it - lots of crucifixes and rubber/studded braclets over fabulous mesh fingerless elbow length gloves - hoop and crucifix earrings - dark eye makeup - red lips (but in a rather than looking like i'm in a Lipfinity ad, it'll be a worn-off "i put on red lipstick before downing some drinks and getting royally, ummm, snogged" look. oh i wish.)

crisis question is: which hairstyle to go with?

given that my hair cut right now in unstyled form is virtually ally sheedy in st elmo's fire (if you don't know what that means i would like you to leave. now.), it seems best to choose a style from madonna circa '85. please see the following links and help me decide.
go to madonna's website HERE. select media > magazine covers > 1985. there are three in that selection i think i could pull off. by magazine name they are: top row - bravo, or, FM, or second row: graffiti.

basically, i'm thinking, scrunched, or swept up off forehead? either way i will tie some kind of scarf up around my head as per photos. i'm thinking scrunched could get quite warm and annoying given i will be spending a LOT of time on dancefloor. but is scrunched more universally recognisable authentic? i'm all in a dither.

answers on a postcard please . . . and soon.

x.