a little time to rest

Baby's still on intermintent power charges so apologies for lack of postings at the mo.

Still, after the last few days i've had, it's saved you reading a whole lotta darkness.

had a really mixed bag of a weekend... i can save us all a whole lotta time and baby some juice by cutting to the heart of the matter and saying it comes down to a sense of unrootedness and lack of home at present - which seems so absurd as i type this in my rather amazing kitchen which i know i shall miss in the years to come...
but this lack of home makes for tough days when i find myself still very much in the process of grieving (annie lamott got me on that theme on saturday and right now i don't know whether to thank her or curse her but she's right when she says the only way to get through grief is to grieve)...

i feel very much like a bird that finds itself without a nest...lots of little signposts right now that i don't feel at home, lacking in an essential sense of safety and security that for this little birdy is very important...and that until such time as sigmund helps me work out how to cope with that i am very much in need of feeling that security...i left work early today feeling a major sense of claustrophobia and utterly worn down by several days of perpetual anxiety, in large part caused by trying hold back frequent bouts of persitant tears. i count myself profoundly fortunate to have those in my life who without even needing to ask understand my need for their reasssuring presence and closeness when feeling so deeply unsettled. no need for major analysis or conversation, but simply the quiet and easy creation of a little homely refuge from the storm for me to settle in so if nothing else i could physically relax my limbs while curled up in safety. we've been here before and no doubt we'll be here again.

chris told me tonight that one of the functions of the psychoanalyst's couch is that it can become like curling up in the arms of your mother. i think i have profoundly felt that deeply buried primal human need these past few days... to feel physically protected, even though paradoxiacally the storm rages on the inside...to be able to trust that if you close your eyes you won't open them to find yourself abandoned... this alone thing is hard... i feel like goldilocks in father bear's bed when i try to sleep at night... ... ... ... i am yearning for home...

one upside of the last few days, the ikon art installation looks amazing...and it's really inspired me as to how much i want my nest to be somewhere that i, and those i love, can paint on...a collage of our lives... not a place to be kept perfect but an every changing evolving pallete of colour and texture...

and i know that wherever my nest turns out to be i now have at least 4 interior design consultants who totally get me and my style will be more than willing to offer their 2 cents worth when it comes to gathering bits of twine and twig... it'll be a good nest...

thank you to those who made home for me today...i will sleep better tonight than i have done in a whiles because of you...speaking of which, it's quarter to two... better hit the pillow and see if i can't get me some zzzzzzz

::tuesday is the new sunday::

LB, x