B.L.I.S.S.

i would like the record to show that jayne and jude are two of the most supportive women a gal could ever want for.

i had shitty night. no. make that a total fucker of a night. my blog. i'll swear if i want to.
but here i am. quite not believing i am actually still in one piece, thanks to a string of texts from jayne and then a marathon 2hrs45mins on IM with jude...

i think i am finally starting to get the message. thank you for your constancy. your care. your refusal to let me say anything that demeans my being. for providing me with unambiguous affirmation. and straight talking into confusion that had me so tangled up like a ball of wool the cat had got a hold of... for showing me light when all i could see was my darkness...you were Christ to me tonight.

i came to an awareness tonight, thanks to something Jude said, that there are things i say, which to those who love me are painful because they are lies. lies i've believed about myself for a very long time. and one of the results is my ability to put myself down and treat it like it were fact rather than seeing it for what it is, so much so that i can say it and not even realise i am putting myself down at all...

that's as much level 5 as you're gonna get tonight from me. but i'll add this for good measure:
i know i'm not the only one that does this. we all do it. it keeps us from ourselves. and from each other...

B.L.I.S.S.?

oh. that'd be Beautiful. Loved. Intelligent. Sexy. Strong.

it certainly describes thems two... jude wants me to get it as a tat. where? come on. where else?

::

4 more sleeps and my brother arrives. and i cannot wait to see him. he is one of the safest places i know. the safest i have ever known. he is my home.

speaking of sleep. let's see if i can't get me some...

nite,
LB, x.

::

this last bit is for Jude...


you used a word tonight as we IMed that pricked my ears, or was it my eyes? you'll know it. i hope you remember the exact context you used it in, 'cause it makes this all the more beautifully poignant, if not ironic... well anyway, to a geeky 'phile like me, that one word is forever bound to one moment. so i'll let Mulder do the talking, 'cause it says it all and ::you:: deserve no less a sentiment:

"Scully...I didn't know who to trust. Then I chose another path, another life, another fate... The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside down. There was one thing that remained the same. You were my friend, and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant. My touchstone."

x.