cloud juice and follies

so, i's got me a therapist.

a freudian psychodynamic therapist to be exact and he ::rocks:: (the highest form of compliment i can give) he opened the door, i saw his hallway and i just knew this was the man for me. instant. i think he and i will get on very well and he said same. so for the time being we will be 'working together', which is a rather nice way of putting it. i have no intention of sharing on these pages what goes on in those sessions but i have no doubt echoes will be evident whether you or indeed i know it or not. but for this one time at least i will share something of what he said, so that you will know the journey i am embarking on and articulate what is possibly the most self-driven act i have ever done.

willow requested we match his code of confidentiality to me by using a pseudonym for him. i have agreed to this, if for nothing else than playfulness... a couple of folks know his name but i understand the mystery willow is also looking to preserve...so after throwing back and forward a couple of names i came up with the somewhat unoriginal but entirely appropriate Sigmund. as willow says, it gives him an air of authority and wisdom, and immediately coined the phrase, "bring it ta sigmund", which speaks to the intentionality of the process of having "shit" (his term, which is a little freaky cause it's the term i use for my darknesss and he didn't know it) and having a space which i control to bring said shit and where to quote freud as he did, the therapist acts as a vessel for the client's love and hate. a strong secure vessel, "bring your shit to me, i can take it", (ricky and willow actually applauded my recounting of this - and in unison said, "This is cary's kinda therapist!") and where we will be looking to get past the conscious to the unconsciousness (hand reaches back to point to a place behind the head) where all the "crap" is stored. i'm guessing that's psychotherapeutic technical term there. see, he really is my kinda guy. when speaking with affection i may resort to the more quirky style of Sigfield

this all feels like a profoundly empowered place to be. this will be the most worthwhile money i possibly ever spend in my life. it took a lot of encouragement from those who love me to finally do this but i feel i am now pursuing this path because i want to, not because it will please anybody else. i choose it. and i'm excited at the prospect of a journey that will require courage and resiliance because it will transform me and also my relationships and i don't yet know what that will look like and it will not always be comfortable but it will be a more honest existence... and i hope that it might help me shape a life that i want for myself... one where i know my decisions are made by me, for me, because they are honest decisions that will help me build a life where i thrive. live from my mojo. my essence. and in doing so am able to freely love and give as i in turn freely receive.

so friends, this is me taking a bit of control... this is me embarking on a journey to allow the real me to unfurl and to embrace it, her... to commit myself to being a friend to the person i meet...

to thine own self be true.

big shout out to Suz. and welcome back to Mo, Jayne and Gail, who, when they get to reading this, will have returned from their silent retreat under the capable Ignatian hands of Padraig.

right, off to rouge my knees and roll my stockings down by the fire and watch ::Chicago::

LB, x.

dates for your diary:

sunday 26th
3pm - installing the ikon one colour red art installation at the waterfront hall. all volunteers welcome.
6pm - ikon monthly gathering - this time in the waterfront bar overlooking the lagan
click here and hit tour the venue and then selct bar to see this location if you don't know it... should be very cool setting...

monday 27th
7-9pm
launch of the installation
all are welcome to the soiree

the installation will be on all week and you are invited to help dissolve or indeed deconstruct it...