3.30am, saturday

not long home from jonny's. i'm totally knackered but want or need to mark the sensation of the moment...

ever have the feeling of a fountain of tears trapped just south of your throat? i have it now. not out of any one emotion, but the blend of several... a bittersweet mixing of gladness, sadness, regret, nostalgia, peace, love and longing.

maybe if i sit here and type away my rambling thoughts i will find my unspent tears spilling over and finding release...or maybe sleep will find me first...

tonight was lovely. ewan had a beautiful time and treasured spending it with his best friends and some new ones that have won him over this past week...

padraig sang i yearn for home and i felt i was home... curled up as i was in the safekeeping of the people i love with my head on ewan's knee...it was a beautiful moment... such calming peace... such gratitude for fragments of time where the unspoken is no longer a measure of distance but a caress for things perhaps in some deep inner place understood... meaningfulness shared without the need for words...

ewan, chris and michael (fry) played for us...their mini-set started with a fresh-off-the-presses cover of low's (that's how you sing) amazing grace. after ewan playing it for me, pad, and ricky last weekend, by pure coincidence mikey mentioned it during the day and so they finished their jam here in the kitchen working out the chords and practising the exquisite harmony with a speed that had me astounded. they followed it by winding back the clock 13 years with the classic forever remain track heroin. ricky confessed it was a significant moment. he'd only ever heard it played live once before - probably the best part of 13 years ago. but he had the e.p. and played it at night in his room. how curious i imagine it must feel to be sitting so many years later as a contemporary and friend of those of whom in one's youth one was something akin to a 'fan'...i know how meaningful it was for me... but i was struck that here was a friend with a past... and sitting there as the lads played i realised that they were the common link between his past and my own... and how curious that felt... and yet how comforting... threads being weaved across time and space...

it is all too easy to forget just how beautifully my brother plays bass guitar. michael said it is his use of harmonics, but i confess to having no idea what that means. but the word that comes to mind is fluid. he plays the strings like they are not metal, but water... i get to hear chris play and sing with some regularity, so it was the sight of ewan and michael (on guitar) that struck me...two friends reunited after several years doing exactly what you feel like they were born to do... such physical connection with their instruments... such connection with each other... i could almost see the threads binding them.

tiredness comes before tears... but the feeling is abated a little...

it will return again until i cry it out...

i pray for healing.. for safety to return or be birthed anew... for fragile threads to be made stronger...for vowels and consenants to wrap themselves around the unspoken that stands for broken...

to feel ease...

LB, x