head above water

i've taken out the words from my earlier post...
partly because...

i don't want to wake up and see them
i don't want anyone else to read them
i felt guilty despite their honesty
i felt guilty for their honesty
they hung in my mouth like bitter metal
fueled by anger that i wish i did not feel
fearing they will hurt, which is a psychological fantasy but not necessarily what i desire in reality
they were the words i have resisted writing for nearly 10 months
and now that i have written such hard truths i guess i need to somehow let them go
so that they lose their grip a little
words that have been like a vice for the past week
as another of a series of 'anniversaries' approached
for weeks i have been pulling myself inward, withdrawing
witholding tactility more than ever and emotional connection with it
i realise how i fear such disapproval for truth telling, for being angry, for not having climbed higher up the ladder

but even more am struck how little i trust.

honesty is the best policy
we are told
experience tells me otherwise
honesty nearly always hurts
someone

to those who read the exorcism - i'm sorry if i caused you alarm - thanks for getting in touch - gonna try and get some sleep.

somehow it'll all be healed...

LB, x