i cannot believe it. i am in a near fugue state. totally unproductive. behind in everything. as if dislocated from the present and suspended - waiting. waiting. waiting. unable to believe it's about to happen. in less than 24 hours i meet my neice for the first time.
the expectation has me sidetracked. for going on 2 weeks. i've got nothing completed. no stable routine save for hours spent in a daze where nothing has felt concrete.
tomorrow is the landing back down only to be no doubt thrown again.
nothing is real in these days because she is not real. that i will finally hold her is not real. my world has become an abstract just as she is an abstract. a series of two dimensional images and anecdotes.
soon she will be flesh and blood and everything will become hyper-real.
family has always been about loss. this, her, my neice, she is arrival. i cannot contend with the weight of emotion at seeing this child. this girl. she is blessing without denial or avoidance. loving without condition. she is part of my genetic line. even in the abstract as part of my brother, she is part of my father, and my mother and my grandparents. and she is therefore part of me.
science can prove it. but i do not need dna to know it. i feel it coming. and this girl will be a rupture.
today i am standing on a precipice, awaiting the drop... the fall... the falling in love with. expectancy weighs heavy and yet in the headlong, i will feel pressure lift and falling apart will be a falling together.
love is gonna crush the air.
i am an aunt. and tomorrow it all becomes real. this is the last day i will ever live without knowing what it is like to touch her or look into her eyes and have Sequoia look back... it is beyond comprehension. but my being vibrates under the meaning...
and so for a few more hours, i wait...