it's been a long december....

goodbye 2005. it's been a rollercoaster...

see ya back here in 2006 folks.

be well. and love the ones you're with.

LB, x

one from the heart...

...where the gladness of foundness meets the mourning of lostness and makes a friend.


well, that's the end of one shitty week. today started out with tears... and here i am in the evening typing on a wireless ibook in the kitchen with carols in the background... i made it through my last day of work...

so, rather dwell on its crapness i am instead going to express my gratitude
at having some amazing friends and focus on what i have rather than lack...

i won't do a roll call but today several people in belfast, new south wales, ontario and washinton state all connected with me with supportive texts, cards and gifts, hugs and even laughter.

so i'm out of a job, but this christmas i will surrounded by people who i love and with whom i'm sharing this journey... and when i feel my heart in pain and sadness i will look up and be reminded that i have more than i ever need already...

the cottage is opening up a little for the coming festive season days and will be inhabited by me, gareth, and ricky in all our waif and stray-ness, and indeed Easter and Chloe in all their furiness. and as i type this i am praying that we've enough love and care and gentle tenderness to be something that looks like home to one another and soothe the edges of our loneliness and fear and brokeness in just the right doses for the duration... or at least i pray that's what i can be for each of them...

so here's to the crackling fire, the sparkly lights, to smooth port and strong cheese, to little gifts under the tree to open on christmas morning with a good cup of nashville coffee and kindnesses from friends near and far, who have the tenderness of thought and care to be just what i need when i need it most, and the courage to acknowledge their own fragilities and need for care, and allow me the treasured honour of sharing their lives and hopefully one day being as gentle to them as they are to me.

here's to my family for allowing me the space to make fumbled attempts to have the christmas i need even though it means me not being with them and knowing it's not because i don't love them... but because it sits right with me to be here in this strange corner of the world... and may they know that i am being so well cared for and rest easier for it.

what becomes of the broken hearted? if they dare, they let the love of others slip in through the cracks and take the risk of remaining open to the idea that they are not alone...

so here's to all of you who visit this little space in the web, peeking over my shoulder at my musings... so many of you have brought so much redemption to my life these past few months...in gentle missives and tender care... three months ago this week i had barely the will to keep breathing such was my bereft lostness... and now here i am taking a faltering sneaky peak up at this wide open plain into which i've been forcibly rebirthed, in all its terrifying expanse and unknown-ness, and wondering, if i don't have a map, could i draw (or speak or sing or paint or write) one in the same way i am being re-drawn...and one day make it my home...?

you have my profound gratitude, my love and my prayers for every blessing on your hearts in this season of fragile expectation and surprising incarnation...

the people who are walking in darkness have seen the whispered hints of a great light that looks for all the world like a star filled sky...it is called Love. i am filled with gladness at its dogged persistance and quiet beauty.

may you have a wonderful, peace filled, childlike, magical Christmas, if only in small momentary starlike doses... and wherever you find yourself, may you feel safe and bubble wrapped.

so afterall that's been said and done,

::maybe there's hope::

LB, x

so you wanna be a rock n roll star...

well listen now to what i say
just buy yourself an electric guitar
and learn how to play....
::tom petty::

for all budding rock stars, here's one last frames lyric to muse on: from burn the maps, ::finally::
i read an interview where glenn said this was a reflection on the struggle of doing what he does... i wonder lyrically if he is writing to himself... ie. the ::you:: his him.

in other words, being a rock n roll star is about the music and the passion, not being a star... glenn just wants to play in a band but struggles with an ego just like the rest of us...

reflecting on the gig, i think the reason the frames have made such an impact on their fans, especially once seen live, is that glenn has despite his fears kept it real. an ordinary guy pouring out his soul and when you see it you want to do it. not for the fame or prestige but because it looks like the most amazing self expression imaginable. and you applaud him the way you would a friend. and he still seems surprised anyone is still listening god love him...


finally

did you fall on your way
its a long way down
welcome back to your place
i hope you know it now
cause its true what you say
were the wrong way round

and the lie that cut the worse
has been resolved, then reversed

finally..

ah come on.. show the way
where are you running now.
is it lack of restraint
has you turning round.

and in the end, were both the same
you played your part, so your part to blame

when you want something that much,
it's drawing trouble on your life
and when you found something that good
its hard to focus on whats right

and in the end what hurt the worst
has been resolved and then reversed
and i know its not what you said
its like the letter i just sat and read

finally..

you found something so good
its drawing trouble on your life
and when you lost something so good
its hard to focus on whats right

i love it so far..

::

::breathe deep::

this is possibly the most relaxing website ever created:
http://seed.ecomagination.com/

plant a seed and then help it grow.


here's some tips...
your seed will need you to give it the following:
water
sun
manure
weather: rain, thunder, fog, 'christmas' makes it snow
animals: try bees, bugs, birds
flowers
colours - type any colour in and watch your plant change - you can specify parts of the plant eg blue petals

and the hints do fun stuff

just go see - it'll all make sense
lovely music in background and a unique creation every time
and as your first seed grows you get more so you can be growing a whole garden


simply: lovely

LB, x

so. how was it for you?

... colour me, well, almost speechless.

there are only two words i can think of to adequately describe last night's Frame's set at the ulster hall:

FUCKING AWESOME

when i gave ricky a ticket to his first ever frames gig as a christmas present i said it'd be a great gig. guaranteed. i was not prepared for quite HOW good it would be.
quite possibly the best i have ever seen them play. tight as anything and rocking out with incredible energy. even the roadie looked stunned at how good it was...

they blew us away... within the first few bars i was breathing, "holy fuck".

and ricky and me had two of the best seats in the house. i got direct locked eye with glenn hansard... we were sitting right over the stage... the sound was bloody great...

IT ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we rocked out and lost ourselves for awhile. it was pure energy. so inspiring.


duke special was fabulous in support. we was very proud of dear pete w. he gave it everything...

all in all - a wonderful night of great music, food, drink, and chat...
let us not say the festive season of 2006 did not provide one night of redemption and release and inspiration...

excuse me, 2 colleagues have just walked into my office with a guitar... i think they're about to perform a song... better go...

from the sublime to the ridiculous...

LB, x

Burst

on sunday night some ikon folks gathered upstairs in white's for music and chat. chris and tim performed some britney and madonna and then chris's song ::burst::
afterward he confirmed my suspicion that he was playing it for me. it is a beautiful song... full of tenderness and bravery.

job loss means i am going to have to make some very tough pragmatic decisions very soon, which are no doubt going to bring a lot more changes. never before have i felt such a weight of the question, what do i want to do with my life? and in a period when i am feeling a lot of insecurities and facing up to fears of alone-ness, i am feeling increasingly less confident in my creativity and fear i will be swayed to do the pragmatic thing and go pursue what i can do with my head rather than what i want to do from my heart. guess i should go back to the studio and find that green-ness in me...

i texted chris yesterday to let him know about my work situation and i received this email response... this is quite remarkable...it is rare that i would post the words of someone else without their permission but this is so incredibly beautiful i just had to...

:::::::::::::::::::::::

got your message ----

well - the song seems even more appropriate now - you are entering the cocoon even deeper now. and the pain will twist you into a new shape - and i am sure you can feel it now - the twisting, the coming undone, the uncertainty, the unravelling.....

i don't know what will happen...all i can say is that i love you and i will be here for you as and when you need me....a new beauty awaits you, a new self, new souls to connect with in love and work...and you will burst forth from this, you will open your eyes and you will be outside....

the darkness is only frigthening when you are on your own and you are not...we will walk together and because we do we will be able to summon the spirit to walk with us...because that is the truth..when two or three are gathered there is something else....we will be more, you will be more...do not be afraid of the darkness as it will bleed daylight sooner or later.

let us sustain you and do not be afraid to ask for anything........

so my sister i send you my words again tonight...

"Burst out of your coccoon
wrapped up in the fibres weaved by fallen looms
burst, from the grasp of clutching ghosts
open your eyes
you're outside"

love

chris

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

wow. each time i try to put up walls, and harden my heart, someone turns around and dismantles me with tenderness.

i thought it'd take tonight's gig to bring the relief of tears. i didn't need to wait that long.

LB, x.



p.s. here's some more frames lyrics: - you can listen to em all at www.theframes.ie. all are from dance the devil. an album no collection should be without... at least two of these will be played tonight...


Seven Day Mile

Your will changes everyday
It's a road you've come upon
I can't help you if you want to
Down here nothing gets a chance
It's a threat that's real enough
We can burn this bridge or stay here
It's a breeze everlasting like time
Making so sure that
I can return just to see it from your side again

Always never seems to work
It's a word you never learned
I don't really see a way clear
It's a sea ever churning in tides
In the sureness of time
And our words will repeat now forever again
Well this might take a while to figure out
So don't you rush it
And hold your head up high right through the doubt
'Cause it's just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between here and running away

I don't have a choice in this
It's a road I've come upon
You can join us if you want to

Always never seems to work
It's a word we never learned
Time will be the judge of all here
This might take a while to figure out now
So don't you rush it
And hold you're head up high
Right through the doubt now
'Cause its just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between here and running away
It's line you've been wanting
It's your time
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between here and never again
Never again

And down here nothing gets chance
It's a world too big for us
Time will be the judge of all here
This might take a while to figure out now
So don't you rush it
And hold you're head up high
Right through the doubt now
'Cause its just a matter of time
You've been running so fast
It's the seven day mile
Has you torn in-between yeah and never again
Never again

Pavement Tune

This situation's killing me
It's got me right under the thumb
I don't know where I want to be
This doesn't make no sense at all
You're quoting every single line
I spoke too much but I was old before my time, you told me

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me

This road is crooked cracked and wrong
They got the odds staked nice and high
I don't know how they get along
Me, I just internalize
You can imagine what they'd say
Given the choice if I could fight or walk away, I'm walking

You see I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make more sense to me

So let me take you by the hand
And lead you through this troubled mind
You said yourself we had a plan
To get us all back to the line
We talk about it everyday
But we keep forgetting what it was we came to say
Now don't we

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me
My life to make amends

Plateau

I'm on a plateau
It's not where I belong
It's taken so many years
To figure out my way
Upon this plateau
It's all been said and done
And every time I try
The words make little sense until you're gone

And everything must change
Everything must change
Upon this plateau
The diamond sky's enough to take you miles ahead
Where the past can't ever catch us
And all your good friends
Are gathering all around
They say the time is now
And so I must resolve to say
It's just me myself again
And I'm just talking to the wall this time
It's just me myself and I
Deciding on a plan

And everything must change
Everything must change inside you now
Everything must change inside and out
Everything must change, change...
I'm on a plateau
I'm on a plateau...

(p) + (c) The Frames 1992-2003

"i've seen what you can do with a blank canvas..."

so, today i got made redundant by virtue of the fact we failed to get 2 major slices of funding we needed to keep going.

good news is: that bombshell was followed by the arrival of my 12inch iBook G4. i am typing on it right now, while on the work wireless network.

and i am smiling...

thank you to the lovely ladeez (jayne, mo, gail, jude, keli) on text and email who helped me keep it together with words of wisdom and love, to john p. at common grounds for giving me coffees on the house today, pete for letting me share some conversation, and ricky for shot of bravery... i am so grateful that i have you folks to remind me what's important in life...

here's to a whole new expanse of white that's waiting for me to paint myself all over it... let's see what i can do with this one, tovarich...

LB, x (off to get a bit drunk - the irish solution to all problems, and indeed the cause of many...)

read instructions carefully

a few words, following messages and conversations of late, as to what this thing is all about...

i guess i just want to say, please don't worry.
some of the stuff i post here is the stuff that tickles me, enboldens me, some is stuff that hurts.

if we pretend there is no darkness in life then we are doing just that: pretending.
life is shit. life is also amazing and beautiful. but we aren't humanized, made fleshly whole and real if we only reflect the nice stuff. the comforting cozy warm stuff.

so, here's some reassurances for those who have been concerned on reading some of my bleaker moments of late:

they are moments - a state of being - they are reactionary and usually temporary
if you look at other posts, often right next door, there is a whole other state of being depicted

think of this blog in a psalmic way - you get the good days and the bad
i blog, as i journal, because i find writing a catharsis. a way of communicating what's going on inside. it helps me. whether or not anyone reads it is almost a moot point. but i'm glad you do and that some of you really seem to get something out of the honesty.
this is the edited version. life is what happens when i'm not blogging and i don't intend this space to be an account of every mood i went through in a day. i'd never get anything else done...and i don't want to worry anyone but if you think this blog has its dark moments you better not see what doesn't get blogged...

if you only got to hear the happy stuff then i'd not be authentically drawn on these pages. i am redrawing my life. it is a decidely scary place to be. but please remember i could not express myself here if i did not have people in my life to help me feel a sense of safety. to support me when my knees buckle... please don't forget the people i mention with such love in these pages. i have them. and i have you.

i do the best i can with what i have. . .

LB, x
well there you go - two posts after all. . . :0)

eeny meeny miny mo

hello all

well you got two posts yesterday but don't think this will become a habit. . .

so, it's time to pick two more frames lyrics for our contemplation and musing. . .my hyperlinks aren't working today but you can cut n paste the urls i give if you wanna have a listen...please use either decent speakers or stick on headphones...

first up - a wonderful example of the frames' crescendo - this starts out small and keeps building...if they do this live and i get through it without major tears this will be a miracle. . .

What Happens When The Heart Just Stops (unofficial) http://www.theframes.ie/v4/music/ftb.shtml

So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing

So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away

Well we got no-one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving

Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement

You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by

There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment

I'm disappointed
I'm misappointed
I'm disappointed

It's so late, till you're gone

and on the same basis, this epic from burn the maps. burn the maps was less than a week old when the lads played belfast a year ago. this track was the diamond in the night - what one friend called a religious experience. and at that stage we barely knew this track.

Dream Awake - www.theframes.ie/v4/music/btm.shtml

There's a point in all your dreaming,
To every time mean has just deserves,
And every time I caught you leaving..

I had to dream awake..

And for every time I came home screaming,
And got sent away, with no warning at all,

I had to dream awake..

There's a calling, a calling, a calling,,
To everyone, who lost something

And who had to dream awake.

There's a fight were not contending,
Where we have to the words get mixed,
And the point is lost
Where we have to dream awake.

So take us under now..
Take us over now..

There's a warning, a warning, a warning,
To everyone, who found something..

next time we'll have two examples of songs in which glenn hansard delivers a lyric in a strangled cry or shout at the climax. . .well that gives us a few options ... :0)

biting the cherry

in a week, half the folks i know in belfast will be at ::the frames:: in the ulster hall. for some it is their first time.

so. this is for them.
from here on in we're gonna be diving headlong into some frames lyrics we are likely to hear. . .

i asked ewan to nominate the first one. he has picked star star** as a tribute to his friend rosie at l'arche, who died last week, aged 42. rosie's story is a remarkable one. she brought immense joy to her community and they are all devastated that she is gone. ewan said when he went to l'arche this track took on a whole new meaning. he just wrote to me,

it could have been written about any number of people i spent time with... i used to think about my friend michael barrett a lot when i heard it...
there's something about their presence that is so beautifully honest and open that made me reflect and realise i had so much to learn from them... and learning how to shine was one of those things...

Star Star ** listen here

Star star teach me how to shine shine
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind
'Cause I don't understand these people
Who say the hill's to steep
Well they talk and talk forever
But they just never climb

Falling down into situations
Bringing out the best in you
You're flat on your back again
And star you're ever word I'm heeding
Can you help me to see
I'm lost in the marsh

Star star teach me how to shine shine
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind
'Cause I don't understand these people
Who say we're all asleep
They'll toss and turn forever
But no rest will they find...

and from me, here's the incredible God Bless Mom, which i think i posted way back in memory of my mother. . .but these days i take ownership of the hard-ness which i used to associate so much with her. . . you'll see how hard it can be. . .there is a desperation to this that i totally love - a raw energy and yet will to survive and a tender love. . . so this goes to those fellow sojourners for whom some days are a test of their own endurance. . .and especially those who know what it means to have a far from straightforward relationship with their mother on that journey . . .you know who you are. . .you are loved. . .and you are not alone. . .

listen here for the breathtaking live version from Set List. turn it up to 11 and let yourself fly out of your fucking mind. . . this is ::such:: an amzing rock out track. . .

(and here's an additional North by Northwest live version, (it sounds like a bootleg) supplied by ewan:

http://www.archive.org/download/frames2003-10-11.aud.shn/
frames2003-10-11t05_vbr.mp3)

God Bless Mom

God bless mom
Best of all
Spread your wings
Fly or fall

You'll see how hard it can be
To keep your side of the deal
And you'll see how hard it can be
To keep one foot in the real

God bless you
Strong and true
Stay at home
Good as gold

And you'll see how hard it can be
To keep your side of the deal
And you'll see how hard it can be
To keep one foot in the real

LB, x

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzmmmmmmmmmmmm

we (in the royal sense) are in decidely better mood today.

yesterday improved greatly after a much needed nap, which i got to have not long after i posted here, in common grounds no less. it really is a home from home. with ricky working away on his laptop and keeping an eye on the time so i wouldn't fall into too deep a sleep (i recommend everyone nominates themselves a snooze guardian, it makes falling asleep in public a far less precarious endeavour, but then maybe i just have some mega level trust issues), i curled up on the sofa like a cat and had the kind of nap you usually only get to have on a sunday afternoon. with soft familiar voices off in the distance floating just on the edge of my consciousness i was able to relax in the knowledge that no harm would befall me while i rested. that i was taken care of. bliss. by the time i was woken from slumber i was practically purring. totally recharged the batteries.
these are the moments in life that these days often mean the most to me. quiet little interludes where one gets to feel safe for a while and not worry about what comes next. to feel completely care free. which puts me in mind of what it means to be bubble wrapped: to have the tender security of friends around you who you know will protect you when you need to power down for a while and stop defending yourself against this world.

so mcquillan, your hired. thanks chum. x

one week to the frames (supported by duke special) and counting. . . .scream if you wanna go faster.

ignore me - i'm just grumpy

narnia was underwhelming - i'm not gonna say any more than that as no doubt many will not have seen it yet. but thanks to gail for sending me home on a decidely mellow note.

weekend was tinged with pms tiredness and a lack of busyness where much was required
thanks to jayne and susan for concern and care amid teenage chaos
thanks to the sunday gals who brunch for good chat and beauty and light hearted levity in equal measure
to gareth for organising dinner and fireside trivial pursuit

life is sometimes like a new set of outdoor christmas lights. you put em up - they look fab and within a couple of hours a whole section of bulbs have gone... or indeed putting up mistletoe as per usual and then thinking, what was the point of that? maybe the good dr lodger will get lucky with a visitor or two.

as my dear colleague claire would say, i feel like i need to be rubbed out and redrawn.

off home to curl up by fire and feel sorry for myself. somedays being a girl downright sucks.

but. . .
the day was not without its brightnesses all the same:
texts and phone messages from a couple of sources reminded me this mood is but a temporary thing and in no way reflects reality - just my hormones taking over - and that i've a lot to be thankful for. especially my friends.
and following a nice chat in common grounds with john preston in which it was quite clear i was having a shite day, i went to pay and found my entire bill had been covered by him before he headed out the door. what a star. so, if you see john please make sure to note to him that he's a nice guy and give him a reason to feel a litle chuffed with himself. and rightly so.

LB, x

we only get what we give. . .

i just bought an iBook. wooo hoo.

alas i have no online access at home at present and until said mac beauty arrives i won't have any. so i'll only be online in business hours. so sorry if transmission gets a bit patchy over next couple of weeks. i'll try and post here and do emails from work each day.

as i came online to tell you that, i thought i'd check to see if the brokeback mountain site was up. it is. it's here. but what's really bloody amazing is the soundtrack. gail and pádraig: do you remember i showed you the maker makes by rufus wainwright on dvd? it's on the soundtrack! looking forward to going to see this film with you guys in the new year. you both spring to mind as suitable movie going buddies for this one. . .

off to see narnia tonight. advantage of having a film critic as a lodger - someone who actually goes to the cinema and has the wherewithall to buy tickets.

i can now confirm publically that i will be in belfast for christmas. it was a tought decision not to go to toronto but one that i think is right for where i am at and what i can contend with right now. which means i can acknowledge my immense excitement at the decision that the theme for the new year's eve party the mcewan's are throwing is moulin rouge bohemia (with no small influence by me i might add). which also means i can now acknowledge that gail and i are in very much the same dilemma:
do we have to do high glamour dresses (i'm thinking can-can)? beauase we both share the issue that it's cool for half an hour and then ya think, "i'd just like to pull on a pair of jeans now, thank you very much". glamour is hard work and often uncomfortable when ya wanna dance or slouch or indeed do port shots. gail is indeed a girl after my own heart. or indeed i'm a girl after her's, whichever way you look at it. . .
so we're thinking . . .velvet. . .trousers. . .kinda masculine chic maybe?... gail does a neat shirt and tie combo . . . so you stylish people please send any links to inspirational web pages this way. . .

it's gotta be sexy. and comfortable. and not cost the entire earth to pull off. . .

POST SCRIPT AMENDMENT: SEE COMMENT BELOW FROM JAYNE. WELL, I MAY STILL GO FOR VELVET YET. . . AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE SPICE CAN BE INTERPRETED AS "HOT" TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR THE GUYS WHO DON'T WANT TO DRESS LIKE LIBERACE. NICE, HOWEVER, TO SEE JONNY HAS EMBRACED THE SPARKLES. . . AND YOU'D KNOW SUSAN WAS BEHIND A PARTY WHERE MEN ARE REQUIRED TO LOOK HOT. I MYSELF, WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SUCH MATTERS. . . MUCH LOVE TO YOU FOLKS. YOU ROCK. P.S. peace 2.5 SUCKS.

so between iBooks, heath&jake-in-love-a-thon, and dec 31st. there's a lot to look forward to. . . and that's just for starters. . . i am gonna to my damndest to have a relaxed, calm, joy-tinged christmas...however awkward and fragile i feel in working out how to be on this new road. . .
and if it ain't, then i know i am not without support and love in my life. i am made to feel safe when i need it most and without even needing to say. . .and i am yet again, bemusedly surprised and deeply gratitudinal. i only hope i can return these gestures with half as much tenderness and strength. . .

LB, x

parting words . . .

Click here for link to Harold Pinter's nobel laureate speech. Unmissable.

i have heard pinter is dying. he was too ill to travel to stockholm so his speech was recorded on sunday in a studio and shown at the ceremony and televised last night. ADDENDUM: guardian says he is due home form hospital next week, describing it as 'good news'.

i'm still shaking . . .

more later. but for now, please go read.

may his parting from this mortal coil be a journey of peace. . .

if you are not outraged, you're not paying attention.

LB, x

coming thick and fast

(or, i forgot to keep my finger on the trigger)

when you can't voice your thoughts and feelings writing is so much more necessary. you feel the inner purging bubbling up. unstoppable. if you don't, you'll fall apart. if you can get it out then maybe you can stumble forward into the next day. maybe if you can find the words to articulate what's going on in your soul then the confusion will be abated and you can find peace.

the private tortures are the conversations we never have the words never uttered the gestures not given all twisting and knotting up inside - riot thoughts.

these non-utterances are part of the carefully constructed walls of protection. the fortress from which to hide behind. but the hiding can't last forever. not if you want to let others in. speech is vulnerability. the words leave your mouth and strike the ear of the other. in the transmission you hold your breath knowing the most horrific truth of love:
when you speak your heart, you become vulnerable to the other. it is their choice to accept or reject you. to let you in or shut you out. you can't get love if you don't take that risk.

and so you turn vulnerability to rejection. add another few bricks to your wall and keep the other out. make them a stranger where they were moments before a friend or a lover or a brother. push them out and away. dress it up how you like. it's not you, it's me. keep out. i'll hurt you. generalise. rationalise. explain away. tell them you're doing it. it's just how it is. this is what we do to stay alive. and in the push, you hurt them. before they can hurt you. this is how you avoid the horror.

will you miss it? regret it? maybe. probably. but the risk of love is one that for some is far too high a stake.

better to have never known love at all than to have loved and lost.

LB, x

::ADDENDUM::

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

~ jeff buckley - hallelujah.

is this how it is for you?

Darling, stop confusing me,
With your wishful thinking.
Hopeful embraces,
Don’t you understand?
I have to go through this,
I belong to here where no-one cares,
And no-one loves.
No light no air to live in,
A place called hate,
The city of fear.

I play dead,
It stops the hurting.
I play dead,
And the hurting stops.

It’s sometimes just like sleeping,
Curling up inside my private tortures.
I nestle into pain,
Hug suffering,
Caress every ache

I play dead, it stops the hurting.

::Play Dead:: by Bjork from the album ::Debut::

rather be loved than a lab rat . . .

friends,

sorry for the ridiculous pause in these proceedings. last week i took a few days 'offline' and more significantly off work and tried to recover from an intense weekend. thanks for all those who've been poking me for a new post. nice to know you guys like calling round. . .

i'd like to say things are all bright and rosy. some bits are. others are seriously challenging my efforts to be surprised and gratitudinal.
yesterday i got protective redundancy notice. meaning unless funding comes in asap i'll be out of work as of 31 december. i knew it was a possibility but we'd been keeping optimistic and making plans. but the mood in the office is now one of thorough disheartedness. we've had several knock backs from funders that had been very encouraging in conversations about our work. it's weighing heavy and i have no idea what i'll do come january if i find myself unemployed. i think i'm in a bit of daze. i've been distracting myself with concern for the well being of A.N.Other. . . helps me avoid turning inward and admitting that this place is a haven of sorts and that i'd rather not face yet another major change. . .

coming soon:
thoughts on john o'donohue weekend. it is coming. please be patient.

musical treat of the week: sufjan stevens' christmas album . . .
http://www.chattablogs.com/quintus/archives/019666.html

this post had been intended to be something of a roll call - i have a lot of thank you's due . . .

gar, deb, bananie:
for the incredible music list for my anonymous friend - i'll compile a combined list soon!

john o'donohue:
for being the most audaciously incredible mystical guru one could ask for. (more to follow on that i promise)

paul chambers:
for whirlwind recklessness and letting me see behind the mask. and getting why the metallica moment is worship. and disarming directness.

willow:
for her bravery. enjoy the passion, sister. we're all rooting for ya. ;0)

ewan and mir:
for understanding.

padraig:
for being important enough that i'm missing you already. our 3 week loss is the aussie's gain.

tuesday group (that's chris, susan, mo, lynn and stephen):
for keeping it real.

gareth:
for a metaphysical barter of epic proportions. the good dr lodger asked me to give up my x-files vhs and tapes and dvds that i have collected over the years and give them to him. since i am learning the hard way that much of life is about letting go, i consented. far quicker than i would have guessed i could. my reward for such zen reckless letting go of my treasure? he has given me his newly acquired complete series boxset ::sweet::

danielle louise:
for being a great date and for my first christmas pressie

keli and stu:
cosmos and christmas trees

jayne:
for stability and the studio

ricky:
where to begin? for goldcrests, treecreepers, collard doves and coaltits. and all the Waxwing moments in abundance . . . see? i was paying attention chum.

::tenderness can sometimes seem like brutality to the broken hearted. . . i know i'm being tested::

LB.x