something's moving

so. my two weeks in Nashville rapidly approach their end.
this has been an amazing leg of the trip. words like nourishing and nurturing and challenging and affirming and inspiring come to mind.

so by way of invitation from David and amidst serious cheerleading from he and his angel-in-crime Sarah to get back to the page with seriousness and commitment, i found myself speaking at a lecture that was more like conversation in Vanderbilt Divinity School a couple of nights back. i'm gonna post the words i shared in the next post. one part essay one part poet riff on the theme of :: everything is broken ::
the dust is yet to settle and i find myself in a bit of resistance to an overwhelmingly gracious reception. not quite sure where in me to let the affirmations sit in the aftermath of "doing what it is i do while surrounded by those i would want to describe as seriously talented" ... it was a humbling experience and i enjoyed getting to chat with folks after. for those who are visiting these pages as a result - welcome, pull up a chair.

i'm gonna try and pull together a playlist of the songs that were performed to post here. a thought provoking night and what i hope will mark the start of an ongoing conversation within and beyond the divinity school...

in the meantime, i think i may have reffered to this track recently. i find myself coming back to it on the ipod so that it's fast working it's way up the "25 most played". *flawless* songwriting by my measure.

:: live the wish ::

LB

gently does it

so. this fine autumn afternoon finds me just turned 35 and in Nashville; sitting once again at my favourite table at one of my favourite haunts drinking some of the best coffee i know and finding my way back to the keys... stopping by way of this journal once more as if to practice sitting words cheek to jowl in sentences...

vintage clothing, mural painting with Sarah, conversations everywhere i turn, music on the stereo and staying in Julie's cabin are all weaving together and pulling at threads within me - drawing creativity back up and out... something that was beyond me these past few months is returning -- reawakening from coma that has felt not-so-much like apathy as inertia...

the penumbra of desire returns to enfold me as i keep vigil and a steady calm hold where all-too-often i've found myself spinning in longing and i yet still i find an honest passion walk back in like a long lost friend and wrench me into each new day with expectation... that oh so evocative feeling that one simple touch of lip on lip could birth bounty like the box lid being flung open once more...

it's a heady feeling to be alive on days like these... strange how heady is never so much a sensation of the mind at all but of all the body singing in want... it all feels so close to touch and yet not...
the space between is a thin place... i feel myself wanting to ease and ooze out of my pores... to drip from my own fingertips... to swallow and be swallowed... on that threshold where one can't tell if this is sinking or soaring... the desire for the liminal bothness of where i and you become this e-merge-ing iyou in spite of ourselves...

some things are beyond naming... and these days i'm not trying to do anything but sit with hands open as if receiving the fragile power of the eucharistic bread like a bird's nest...

no sudden moves. some moments in life might be for sliding into...

LB.

beginnings

ever wonder if you're at the end of the beginning or the beginning of an end, or perhaps this is the beginning of the beginning...

not that it makes much difference to these pages since i've been here so rarely of late but with 10 minutes left on my battery before i give up my laptop and head out to a therapeutic retreat in the desert thought i'd stop here and mark the day that's in it...

who knows what this week will bring. the past will i hope be met with healing and the future find itself unfurling before me with a new sense of courage. walls will be dismantled a little and new boundaries drawn.

am thinking so much these days of what it means to live with an open heart and with integrity and yet in such a way that one is not taken for a ride or a fool.

been thinking too of this line from josh ritter,

::
the heart has no bones so it won't break
but the point of love
is the pounding it takes
::

battery is gonna go - this is
the end of the end,

LB.

at loss of friendship

this has been a year of endings... of silencing... closing down... letting go... departures... absence

there's not much authenticity i can bring to these pages these days... not without honesty...

and the things i'd honestly write are things better honestly said
but the honest words i have to say
are not the words i'd dare to speak

words like,
i feel hurt by you.

words that ring in the silence
echoing back and forth
back and forth
in an empty room
inside
inside me.

this has been a year of endings...
and of silence
and of absence

and, if, when i walked into court
yesterday
for an ending
second perhaps only to death
in its finality
if there was healing
and dignity
and i felt human
if... then
it was thanks to words
and to real presence

of togetherness
of sharing in loss
and intention to care
of not pretending, and
of giving strength to the other
like a parting gift...

this has been a year of endings
and of silence.
and i am hurt.

yesterday
i walked
side by side
into a courtroom
and i finally understood
what friendship means

it is not something that
is said
it is not even something that is simply
done by one...

it something that is shared...
like smiles.
and tears.
and truth.

for all its good beginnings
this has been a year of endings...

and perhaps it is not over yet...

LB