Tuesday, June 15, 2010

some things never change...


An open letter to the public

Hi there,
On March 24, in the wee morning hours, mistakes were made in the waters of the Prince William Sound, way up someplace in Alaska. By now you all know that our tanker, the Hexxon Valdez, was hit by a treacherous submerged reef that made us lose 240,000 barrels of valuable oil in the uncooperative waters of the Sound.
We could sue that reef if we wanted to, that's just not Hexxon's style. Instead, we are keeping our fingers crossed that this whole thing will blow over in a matter of weeks. Sure, there will be disgusting pictures of filthy birds, fish, and other unsavory wildlife. But I hope that you know Hexxon has already committed several hundred people to hose off those stubborn otters that still happen to be alive. 
Finally, and most importantly, I want you to believe how sorry I am that this incident occurred. We cannot, of course, undo what has been done. Only God can do that, and he caused the whole damn thing in the first place. But I can assure you that since March 24, this little 'ink-in-the-drink" problem has been receiving our full attention, and will continue to do so until you forget about the whole thing. 
Thanks for your continued support. We couldn't do it without you.
Keep on pumpin',

L.G. Crawl

P.S. To those who have suggested that we Hexxon executives should be forced to go to Alaska and scrub those oily rocks ourselves, not returning until the job is done, no matter how long it takes, we simply say this: You don't understand. We are rich and powerful beyond your wildest dreams.


(c) 1989, Matt Groening, from Life in Hell.

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