Wednesday, January 21, 2009

without words

i used to write because, with each word that fell across the page, i knew i was surviving.
these days i don't get that same comfort and much of the time i have no desire to keep on keeping on.

this past year took a heavy toll. i played my part in poorly more often than not. there are many things i regret in it... a year i ago i felt hopeful and full of welcome. but that didn't play out so well. efforts i made to do the right thing and live with an open heart backfired...

someone said to me the other day that they wanted to live life in 2009 the way i approached 2008 - to stop being one of the living dead. that even if a year from now they found themselves facing loss and despair, they think it's worth the risk. risking fear, stepping out into a terrifying world, and trying to love people well... they promise this will end, that i will find myself again, that this is something that will pass... but i have lost so much of myself in the process. nothing matters more to me than community... to want to live within it with integrity and honesty and a sense of honour... but this past year has been a lesson in what it looks like when that falls apart... when it no longer feels like a safe space...

it could have all been different i am sure... words spoken that should never have been said, and words witheld when they could have been spoken... just a few me and by others...

words said and unsaid that drown out all others in these days... i live these days with no sense of trust...

thanks for sharing something of yourselves in the comments left. i have always appreciated them, although mostly surprised anyone would keep looking in, especially when posts have become increasingly sporadic.

but i'm not sure i can keep coming to these pages...
i'm tired of staring at the keys and having nothing left to say.

i hope wherever you are, this finds you well and fulfilled
and if not, that you are getting what you need to get through.

so, for however long. or forever...

take care,


  1. Take very, very, good care of you LB.
    When there is nothing to say then go with kind to yourself.
    I honestly hope this year is a better one than last for you, and that the passage of time is in some way healing.

    Please know that whether you are writing here or not, you will be in my thoughts. I have always appreciated your raw honesty and beautiful expression. You are indeed a beautiful soul.

    This is your space, and there is no expectation -

    you take care,
    with love,


  2. i understand the spirit of your words wholeheartedly. the healing and rebuilding are constant. the risk is always there, and always worth it.

    so much love to you, my friend.

  3. well if you're not going to be hanging around your blog much, maybe you'd like to stop by at mine for a bit ( I say that because, though our personal experiences are probably quite different, we seem to have experienced something of the same feeling of that "breakdown of community" last year (as Stephen Colbert so aptly put it, "2008 sucked"). Stop by, scroll down a bit, and there's an entry called "Rebuilding Community" in which you actually make an appearance. I think there's a community we're both a part of, but for the timebeing (no pun intended) we are living in something like exile. It doesn't matter much at the moment whether you trust me or not, but I do hope you know that your words, here, have helped me a great deal this year, if only to see I am not alone...and there is still hope that there are some people out there who are as interested and in need of community as I am...

    until we meet again, I'll leave you with an indirect quote from Virginia Woolf, and then I'll leave you be and hope you didn't mean all that "not gonna write much here anymore" stuff. I'm one of those people who keeps looking in...

    take care, and may peace and love be yours this year...

    "Nothing has really happened until it's been described (in words), therefore, write a lot of letters to your family and friends... Keep a diary...Don't let a day pass without recording it, whether anything interesting has happened or not... Something interesting happens every day..."

  4. Anonymous10:05 pm

    you don't know me, but i've been peering 'over your shoulder' at what you've been writing for a few years now.. i hoped that fewer posts meant life was better, too full of living to keep writing it all down.. i see that has not been the case.. but now i just want you to know you've inspired and comforted me by your words without even knowing.. and maybe you didn't want random strangers following your stories and thoughts.. but i feel blessed and thankful that you have... i thank you for helping me bear my own pain by following your journey.. go well and be kind to yourself..
    ..a reader..

  5. pleasant surprise to read your post today. can you tell me what Parker Palmer book you reference? glad you were able to find a little piece o' solid ground today.