Monday, October 31, 2005

Salaam, Tovarich

Here's a bit of iain, for a friend with whom i have been plumbing the dark broken depths in my absence from blogland. it's strange how different lyrics are when you read them from the perspective of another. but then these days, everything sounds a little different. . . i think i understand. . .

It’s time, it’s time to fake a laugh
Pretend it’s only disaster
‘ Cos silence that’s the worst of all
With your riot thoughts
And suffer, suffer on your own
Don’t make it difficult
And find somewhere, anywhere else to look
I don’t want this feeling

sorry for lack of postings this past week. that'd be the riot thoughts and being down in the deep place where we find what we're made of. have been channelling them elsewhere into prose (not suitable for public sharing this time - waaay too raw) and a fairly large piece of art work to be used by phil in designing the website. i'll try and get a photo taken of it so it can get posted on the new site when it goes live.
thanks for all the nudges and pokes to get posting again. sorry you visited to find nothing new. i am deeply flattered you folks keep dropping by. (hello to harv. good to see you man.)
great thanks to jayne. you'll be hearing more in the future 'bout her as she has offered for me to spend time with her in her studio facing some demons with some creative therapy (or therapeutic creation?). she's communing with the artist in me (i know it's in there somewhere) and i am feeling most nurtured by it, albeit that i simultaneously feel like i'm about to face down a family of dragons.

last night was ikon. i have permission from the originator of the story i told to share it here. i'll post it as soon as i have time to type it.

that's all for now but check out: Mojji.
i am now the proud owner of a Mojji. #10. thank you to jonny and jayne for such a treasurable gift. i'll see about getting a capture of this unique piece up on here.

thanks for the vulnerability of looking me in the eye and being real. . .

::Just throw yourself. like there's nothing left::


Monday, October 24, 2005

this is the day that the Lord has made . . .

. . . we should rejoice and be glad in it.
indeed. but it's Monday. and my bones are a creakin' like a rusty gate. and my head's all fuzzy.

i so wish i could lay claim to having found this but i can't. all hail Pád for a gem of an ebay listing - very much in the spirit of the 80s. scroll down for a superb history of ownership:

report (with photos, courtesy of the red headed goddess that is deb whalen) on a weekend of alcohol fueled excess and high heels in which, to use the phrase of one Dr Higgins, "the cogs of friendship melded" and accompanying tribute to the producers of a fabulous birth-fest, will follow when i get the chance.

meanwhile i'm off to write salary cheques. and when i grow up i'll be a Pioneer. until then, could someone please turn the volume down a smidge. every key stroke sounds like hammer striking anvil. . .

Saturday, October 22, 2005

they're the best i've ever known

. . .just had to add these little nuggets from Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson, which i'm reading for a new book group that's been set up by a work colleague:

Tell me a story Pew.

What kind of story, child?
A story with a happy ending.
There's no such thing in the world.
As a happy ending?
As an ending.

. . .if you tell yourself like a story, it doesn't seem so bad.

,which just might be the best justification i've found yet for having this bizarre journal known as a blog.

sleep well friends. may you nestle safely in the arms of that from which we came.


the green's behind the pink

so my apologies for a week without posting. monday - i brought everyone up to date on a rake of stuff that had been going on in glorious technicolour detail. and then something went wrong and i lost the entire post. £*&^)%$^&

so. here's the black and white version (hence the title, which i realise will mean nothing to those below a certain age and from outside the UK):

sufjan stevens at spring & airbrake: marvellous show. thoroughly enjoyable. whole thing was infused with a delightfully geeky warm genuine-ness. highlights: peoria, jacksonville and metropolis.

Pádraig's 30th birthday. utterly marvellous. thank you for the votes for the madonna hair. for reasons far too dull to enter into here i ended up going not with the FM magazine look as all but one you suggested but went as "desperately seeking ally sheedy" with some rather dramatic twists to my hair. despite my skirt trying to fall off twice on the dancefloor the outfit worked well and i didn't remove the gloves even after i got changed into my pj's.
apparantly some bright spark is gonna make a blog page for all the pics. if anyway comes across it - post a link in the comments.
everyone looked fab, music provided by yours truly seemed to go down well on the dancefloor and we danced our leg warmers off and the live performances were amazing with a very supportive and encouraging audience.
highlights: 50 or so guests being led by the fabulous jenn 'flash dance' clark in the choreographed dance moves to "thriller". stunning. and getting to perform "i've had the time of my life" with phil (guitar and vocals), chris (harmonies) and tim (harmonies and accordian) with Pád and Dani playing Jonny and Baby on the dance floor and then every other guest spontaneously leaping up and recreating the closing scene. it was a.w.e.s.o.m.e.
oh, and i managed not to totally cock up an acapella version of 'manic monday' with keli t. we did pretty darn good. or maybe that was the rather large number of smirnoff ice i'd consumed blurring my sense of reality.
but boy, did we have fun.
went back to Pád's for post party debrief and watched top gun. went to bed after 5.
hangovers were nursed over a very "sex and the city" brunch with the morning papers with dani, keli h., and gail.

sunday night saw a viewing of 'the aristocrats' at QFT. skip it. really. do not waste your time. b.o.r.i.n.g.
rather more exciting was phil harrison offering to conceive, design, birth and host a website for me. a design board is currently in progress to help him come up with a fitting design. i am very honoured that he is doing it and we got quite excited. you can see his work at the ikon site (see right).

monday saw me turn 32. 1am saw gareth hand over fabulous gifts form london and from his good self as we supped a late night cuppa. bless him. i have spent my birth-fest (which isn't over yet) wearing a rather chic cream woolen cloche hat from jude. very Parisian.

after a rather work lite day and lunch with Pád and a load of work colleagues, Monday evening saw a little gathering of folks for pizza, wine and chat at the cottage. a nice evening with some fabulous gifts. highlight: keli h reading "my vagina is angry" from the vagina monologues. beautifully. what an awesome crew of friends.

tuesday group continued the 'fest with dinner, more fab gifts (including the new boards of canada album - can;t wait to discuss that release with the little bro.)

rest of week has been a bit of a slump. not feeling well at all and didn't make it to work for wednesday or thursday. i slept a lot and lay about feeling sorry for myself.

hence no posts.

today was an improvement and featured a very mourishing therapeutic ::2 hour:: IM chat with Pád, followed up by more IM self esteem boosting therapy and laughs with Jude, from here-on-in to be known as Gabrielle. don't ask.
lots of confessional stuff about where i'm at and it was all very supportive and helpful. thanks to you both.
::you rock. my world::

tomorrow night sees cocktails at a new swanky paris style drinking establishment in belfast at which i shall be wearing a new glam wrap-around dress. shoes (with heels!) and stockings need to be bought in the morning. eek!

sunday sees Pád throwing a dinner party in my honour on sunday night to top off the birthfest. i got to pick the menu and the guest list. niiiice.

so, all in all, despite not being well for a couple of days ad an emotional blip or two along the way, the past week has been great. i feel very cared for and so far am loving being 32.

as i've scrawled on my new chalk board in the kitchen (thanks to brian and jennie),
::one day at a time, sweet Jesus, one day at a time::

blessings to you all. have a great weekend. and whatever you do, be fabulous.


p.s. by the way, has anyone seen the ads for Bleak House? it starts on the beeb next week. ooh it looks good. and its been adapted by andrew davies, who did the fabulous adaptation of Tipping the Velvet.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

get into the groove

so, here's the thing:

saturday night is Pádraig, my love's 80s themed 30th birthday party. this is turning into a major event of the social calendar.

outfit is bought. the look: early madonna.
working from feet up:
my famous black destroy bumper car/minnie mouse shoes - thigh length black and red stripy socks (possibly with suspenders, which are getting the community vote but not yet mine but we'll see how many cocktails i drink at the pre-party dress up/make up party!)- short black layered mini skirt - black tank top with little black cami over it - lots of crucifixes and rubber/studded braclets over fabulous mesh fingerless elbow length gloves - hoop and crucifix earrings - dark eye makeup - red lips (but in a rather than looking like i'm in a Lipfinity ad, it'll be a worn-off "i put on red lipstick before downing some drinks and getting royally, ummm, snogged" look. oh i wish.)

crisis question is: which hairstyle to go with?

given that my hair cut right now in unstyled form is virtually ally sheedy in st elmo's fire (if you don't know what that means i would like you to leave. now.), it seems best to choose a style from madonna circa '85. please see the following links and help me decide.
go to madonna's website HERE. select media > magazine covers > 1985. there are three in that selection i think i could pull off. by magazine name they are: top row - bravo, or, FM, or second row: graffiti.

basically, i'm thinking, scrunched, or swept up off forehead?
either way i will tie some kind of scarf up around my head as per photos. i'm thinking scrunched could get quite warm and annoying given i will be spending a LOT of time on dancefloor. but is scrunched more universally recognisable authentic? i'm all in a dither.

answers on a postcard please . . . and soon.


oh my Go-i-o-i-o-i-o-o-od

tonight: sufjan stevens at spring and airbrake, or, the gig most looked forward to in a very long time, or, the chance to see a load of your male friend's eyes brim with tears at their favourite songs . . .

it seems like the world and his boyfriend are gonna be there - well a load of the ikon community anyways.

how excited are we?

well, not much right now, as i have a likely-to-be-hellish afternoon of work ahead but needless to say, when doors open at 9 tonite i will be buzzin' with delicious anticipation...

nope - just writing about it has got the butterflies a-fluttering. sweet.

in the words of FWM, :: Bring it on ::

in other news, i am considering switching from blog to personal website. i'll keep ya posted on developments. so far, i've found a potential father to help me conceive.

LB, x.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

bullet in

busy day today but am dropping by briefly with greetings and salutations to all and to mention Lord of War.

i realised very quickly that when you go the cinema with a movie critic it's hard to just relax and go with the flow. but i did manage after a few minutes to sit back and let the film carry me where it wanted to take me rather than sitting outside of it looking in. so for what its worth here is my unprofessional reaction to it.

it's not a perfect movie but i thought it was arresting overall. some very clever camera work, nice plot turns, dark sardonic humour, and a strong messsage conveyed through a story with a nice moral shade of grey to keep you thinking. ooh - and a great soundtrack.

it'll make the audience think. or at least, i hope it would. worth the ticket price to see on the big screen IMHO. if you don't like violence i would say don't be deterred - there are some quite shocking scenes but you get nothing gratuitous - in fact how niccol portrayed violence was one of the things i liked most about it: i felt pushed to see some thngs i didn't want to see but not exploited or abused by it.
i suspect left-wing-dyed-in-the-wool-guardian-reading-liberal-pacifist-activists (is that me?) will either love it or think it beneath them. but it's a mainstream market who might never have been provoked to think about the implications of the arms trade that i'm excited about. i'd describe this as anti-gun propoganda wrapped up in an action thriller. and for that, andrew niccol deserves some props. i thought it was a really interesting idea and a brave attempt to get the masses to sit up and pay attention to a deadly serious business.

so, all in all: i liked it. right - i'm off ot see what the critics thought.

oh, on a far more shallow note, both jared leto and ethan hawke are in it. now that's a double whammy.



Sunday, October 09, 2005

If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it.

Have had a very busy few days socially speaking, so sorry for the delay in writing.

i found a cool bit of strangeness on a recommended site from the firefox crew. look for the plants with eyes article... scroll down the page and you'll see it. there's link to a quicktime film. bizarre and captivating.

check out firefox here. it's a free alternative internet browser to internet explorer. and far better and safer for PC users although it can also can be used by mac and linux users. in a word: it's fab. (oh, that's 2 words)

in other breaking news, i am planning to definately be in canada for christmas. will start itinerary planning this week. a girls' road trip to montreal has been suggested. i'm feeling very excited but my fear of flying has been causing me a fair bit of anxiety in anticipation of taking what will be a stellar trip and a chance to spend much needed quality time with my dear ewan and mir.
while it will not stop me from going, i am intended on getting my fear in perspective so i can spend the coming weeks in a state of excitement rather than bound up in the fear of getting there and having major anxiety attacks en route - especially as i need to work on the assumption i'm travelling alone.
which, when you think about it is the most absurd illogic -" i think i'm going to die i a plane crash - i'll feel better if someone i love is with me for the experience". go figure. actually i have used the equally absurd idea that my travelling companions won't die in a plane crash as a way to convince myself that it'll be alright, ie the cosmos may be out to get me, but not them cause they're wonderful. ugh. phobias suck.
so - i'm starting with a free online course by an airline pilot. if that doesn't work i'll consider valium. or as mir has helpfully suggested, "you have two choices: beer. or wine."

tomorrow i am going to my first ever press screening of a movie. i'm quite excited at the prospect. gareth is taking me to see lord of war, which i understand is made by andrew niccol - who was behind an all time fave of mine: the visually exquisite gattaca, as well as the truman show. and then we are joining keli and stu to celebrate canadian thanksgiving.

should be an awesome day, eh?

be well my friends. thank you for your lovely messages and acts of kindness.

i am essentially rebuilding my life one day at a time. you are making it an enriching journey. when i feel down, i think of you all and your incredible love. and i realise how so very blessed i am. i don't think of what i don't have, but what i have. and it's a heck of a lot.

more tomorrow, when i will hopefully have time to give you a review of Hippos in the Shower at the Empire and my social exploits of the weekend.


Thursday, October 06, 2005

ivy amongst the thistles . . .

this post is little more than a massive shout out to amanda the pixie - better known to the aussies as ::ivy ireland::.

after many months of quiet, yesterday brought some pixie joy into my world, and left me blushing with her warm encouragements for my rambling musings.

as well as managing to make our dear friend miss this dirty auld city on the other side of the world (or the folks anyway), my recent post on annie proulx has her running, (or more likely skipping or dancing or yoga-ing) to go read brokeback mountain. my work here is done.

much love to amanda and her lovely sister mel. nice to know you're both browsing this virtual neighbourhood. welcome!


in other news, by dear brother got hit by 360volts on monday in a 'shocking' work related accident.

the accident was entirely preventable, as a result of someone's oversight or negligance (a metal light switch that supposedly had been permanently put out of operation but instead was sitting there 'live' waiting for someone to touch it) and could have happened
to anyone. ewan believes he was meant to touch the one light switch in the entire university that was live in order to to avert an even greater disaster in someone else's life (maybe a frail and little older person with a pacemaker). that God used him in a special miraculous way. at least that's what he said he wrote on the incident report. :0)

regardless, he is thankfully fine and rumours of newly acquired special powers as a result of the incident have been wildly exaggerated. mostly by him.
the wildest was that he was "now living inside the internet, kind of like Tron, but with much better graphics".

but he has since, to my relief, confirmed he was only kidding. "the graphics aren't that much better".

there just ain't no one like him. 6ft2 of comedy genius. my bruvva.


Monday, October 03, 2005

found: one lush green creative mojo

a few days on and things are a little better:
i'm a little stronger and a little more together.

weekend was a wonderful combination of creative retail therapy leading to completing of my new fall 05 'look' and good times spent with friends. thanks to
beautiful pádraig, dani, david, keli, stu, chris, daniel (see below) and gareth for such incredible encouragement and affirmation. i think you guys can see the impact your active loving is having.

thanks too for so many messages of care. everyday i am struck by the profundity of having such an amazing community which is so life giving and loving. i am truly humbled by your willingness to look me in the eye and say you love me. 11 days ago i was at the end of my rope. truly. i am pulling my way back up the walls of this deep well toward something that has glimpses of wholeness because of you.

thanks to michael too for tenderness, bravery, grace and realness yesterday. for two broken souls making it up as we go along in the face of such uncertainty, i think we did good. (thanks to those who prayed for us while we met. you've made a believer out of me.)

did i tell you i cut my hair? it feels very different. looks it too. i guess i wanted to look in the mirror and see someone different. or maybe i should say, i wanted to see myself differently.
has been resulting in repeated hilarious double takes on the part of friends and colleagues. general reaction seems to be one of amazement and approval.
but i did it for me. although everyone can benefit from a little bit of complementing once in a while. i recommend it.

in other news: things have been added to my suuroundings in the cottage that are brightening my spirit:

1. a wonderful book on american artist grant wood, creator of american gothic. he is strong contendor as key inspiration for my next tattoo, which is due before Christmas.
2. this poster, which i found in dublin, now framed and hanging in the kitchen. 70 x 100 cm of pure "divine decadance, darling"
3. an expanded dvd collection, including the wonderful cabaret and seasons 6-9 x-files. loving the special features. a favourites night as requested by dr chris fry is in the offing. bring it on.
4. a fabulous bialetti moka express coffee pot. there is still some blood in my espresso stream. but not much.
5. a housemate. welcome gareth. i hope you enjoy your little stay. i promise tomorrow you WILL get hot water.

a strong highlight of the weekend - this text message from daniel fry, now aged 4, who is showing remarkably good judgement in garden design:

"i love you cary because you are beautiful because i love your house and your garden and the steps in your garden. goodbye."

needless to say, a shed a tear of appreciative joy.

and finally, this extract from my dear friend, alfred, that overwhelmed.
::what is true will set you free::

". . . when issues come up to the surface it always seems like a mess (and it is) but when they come to the surface it also creates the possibility of a kind of healing that wouldn't be possible if they were still buried. But the process (and it is a step by step process) of working through things to get anywhere near that healing is hard and draining, and it doesn't seems possible at all when you are in the middle of it, but in my experience a kind of healing does exist and to experience that is what I hope and pray for. . ."

the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return.

LB, x.