found: one lush green creative mojo

a few days on and things are a little better:
i'm a little stronger and a little more together.

weekend was a wonderful combination of creative retail therapy leading to completing of my new fall 05 'look' and good times spent with friends. thanks to beautiful pádraig, dani, david, keli, stu, chris, daniel (see below) and gareth for such incredible encouragement and affirmation. i think you guys can see the impact your active loving is having.

thanks too for so many messages of care. everyday i am struck by the profundity of having such an amazing community which is so life giving and loving. i am truly humbled by your willingness to look me in the eye and say you love me. 11 days ago i was at the end of my rope. truly. i am pulling my way back up the walls of this deep well toward something that has glimpses of wholeness because of you.

thanks to michael too for tenderness, bravery, grace and realness yesterday. for two broken souls making it up as we go along in the face of such uncertainty, i think we did good. (thanks to those who prayed for us while we met. you've made a believer out of me.)

did i tell you i cut my hair? it feels very different. looks it too. i guess i wanted to look in the mirror and see someone different. or maybe i should say, i wanted to see myself differently.
has been resulting in repeated hilarious double takes on the part of friends and colleagues. general reaction seems to be one of amazement and approval.
but i did it for me. although everyone can benefit from a little bit of complementing once in a while. i recommend it.

in other news: things have been added to my suuroundings in the cottage that are brightening my spirit:

1. a wonderful book on american artist grant wood, creator of american gothic. he is strong contendor as key inspiration for my next tattoo, which is due before Christmas.
2. this poster, which i found in dublin, now framed and hanging in the kitchen. 70 x 100 cm of pure "divine decadance, darling"
3. an expanded dvd collection, including the wonderful cabaret and seasons 6-9 x-files. loving the special features. a favourites night as requested by dr chris fry is in the offing. bring it on.
4. a fabulous bialetti moka express coffee pot. there is still some blood in my espresso stream. but not much.
5. a housemate. welcome gareth. i hope you enjoy your little stay. i promise tomorrow you WILL get hot water.

a strong highlight of the weekend - this text message from daniel fry, now aged 4, who is showing remarkably good judgement in garden design:

"i love you cary because you are beautiful because i love your house and your garden and the steps in your garden. goodbye."

needless to say, a shed a tear of appreciative joy.

and finally, this extract from my dear friend, alfred, that overwhelmed. ::what is true will set you free::

". . . when issues come up to the surface it always seems like a mess (and it is) but when they come to the surface it also creates the possibility of a kind of healing that wouldn't be possible if they were still buried. But the process (and it is a step by step process) of working through things to get anywhere near that healing is hard and draining, and it doesn't seems possible at all when you are in the middle of it, but in my experience a kind of healing does exist and to experience that is what I hope and pray for. . ."

the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return.

LB, x.

i'll get by . . .

with more than a little help from my friends.

am back in belfast after an escape to dublin for some urgently required week of r 'n' r and tlc.

so. the big and scary news is i am now separated. temporary at present but indefinate and with no guarantees that it won't be permanent. prayers for both michael and i are intensely appreciated.

things are very tough right now. kinda like being hit by truck. repeatedly.

but i am surround by a stellar community that are making me feel very cherished amidst the ache.
thank you to all those on the care team right now. your kindnesses are truly overwhelming.

apologies to those who've sent messages of love who've yet to hear back from me. i hope the grapevine is keeping you up to date until i get round to making contact.

i'll write more as i feel able.

the only way out is through. . . .

cary, x

a little north, a little nicer

http://www.dreamworks.com/PrizeWinner/

this links to a trailer for the movie that was shot on my brother's street a year ago. it's now ready for release. his house was the next door neighbour's home and his next door neighbour's property got the starring roll of the central setting for the film. you can see ewan's porch for a nano-second - just when woody harrelson gets a pat on the shoulder. . .

ewan and his lovely wife Miriam live in the historic 'town' (fast approaching 200,000 redsidents) of richmond hill just northern edge of toronto's city limits. the title of this entry is the town's motto.

see http://www.town.richmond-hill.on.ca/homepage.asp

sitting in a very wet and dreary belfast i am now feeling rather depressed having looked at this site. you have been warned.

cary,

the L 'n' X are silent, or, rhymes with goo.

Word up.
pretty much anything in orange/blue is a handy link. me? bored? uh. yeah.

i've been waiting quite a few weeks to blog this book-becomes-film recommendation and i'm gonna do it now because soon it'll be getting a lot of coverage and you won't regret being ahead of the game.

film versions of books are always gonna be potential disasters - especially when you love the book. but i think it's arguably a greater loss when you see an adaptation, really like it and then realise maybe you should have read the book first. d'oh!

so i am begging you: pleeeeeeeease go READ annie proulx's Brokeback Mountain before you see the film, which is due out during the winter.

i read it a few weeks back and reread it within 24 hours i was so impressed and moved by it. it'll take you at most an hour to read. not a moment wasted.

i love proulx's style, although brokebakc mountain is more sparse than her novels. (i have resisted watching the film version of the shipping news because the images from the book are so vivid in my mind and therefore precious. i just know the former would replace the latter in my imagination. i am currently reading accordian crimes and loving it. )

brokeback mountain is beautiful, tragic, heartbreaking. you can get it at amazon as a lone novella but i'd recommend you spend the extra couple of quid and buy close range: wyoming stories where it sits alongside a bundle of short stories.

only once you've relished the text should you hop over to see the trailer for the movie version, which just won the golden lion at venice for best film and so therefore should be quite good. official site is due up soon.

if you hear anyone say, as some idiot in the observer did, that this is simply a gay cowboy movie, i suspect you should ignore them. it could only be that if ang lee has strayed majorly from the text. the trailer doesn't suggest he has, and looks to have captured the heart of the novella - it is an incredible love story- athough he has cast two men far more good looking that proulx's description suggests. that, however, is not a complaint. also ignore anyone who says that the fact that this is a love story about two men is merely incidental. it is the fact that they are men which drives this story.

so. go read it. get outta here.

shoo.

or should that be shoulx?

x.