beginnings

ever wonder if you're at the end of the beginning or the beginning of an end, or perhaps this is the beginning of the beginning...

not that it makes much difference to these pages since i've been here so rarely of late but with 10 minutes left on my battery before i give up my laptop and head out to a therapeutic retreat in the desert thought i'd stop here and mark the day that's in it...

who knows what this week will bring. the past will i hope be met with healing and the future find itself unfurling before me with a new sense of courage. walls will be dismantled a little and new boundaries drawn.

am thinking so much these days of what it means to live with an open heart and with integrity and yet in such a way that one is not taken for a ride or a fool.

been thinking too of this line from josh ritter,

::
the heart has no bones so it won't break
but the point of love
is the pounding it takes
::

battery is gonna go - this is
the end of the end,

LB.

at loss of friendship

this has been a year of endings... of silencing... closing down... letting go... departures... absence

there's not much authenticity i can bring to these pages these days... not without honesty...

and the things i'd honestly write are things better honestly said
but the honest words i have to say
are not the words i'd dare to speak

words like,
i feel hurt by you.

words that ring in the silence
echoing back and forth
back and forth
in an empty room
inside
inside me.

this has been a year of endings...
and of silence
and of absence

and, if, when i walked into court
yesterday
for an ending
second perhaps only to death
in its finality
if there was healing
and dignity
and i felt human
if... then
it was thanks to words
and to real presence

of togetherness
of sharing in loss
and intention to care
of not pretending, and
of giving strength to the other
like a parting gift...

this has been a year of endings
and of silence.
and i am hurt.

yesterday
i walked
side by side
into a courtroom
and i finally understood
what friendship means

it is not something that
is said
it is not even something that is simply
done by one...

it something that is shared...
like smiles.
and tears.
and truth.

for all its good beginnings
this has been a year of endings...

and perhaps it is not over yet...

LB