out of the darkness...

this is my journal... the pages i let others sneak a peek at... sometimes it's a coded message... sometimes a confessions... sometimes it's something like prayer... last night's post was as about as honest as it gets... sometimes these pages are the only way i know how to say what i dare never say with my voice back here in the real world...when i can't find a way to Level5 it in person this is the where i feel safe...and sometimes i write knowing someone is looking in over my shoulder... so,

thank you Mo.

both those quotes are beautifully expressed and the intent behind them is a gift...

you are much loved.

i slept a really long sleep. chris says lack of sleep messes with your perceptions of reality... a couple of days without enough food and a couple of drinks and isolation are a bad cocktail...

so i feel better. i read my words and i feel like the person who wrote them was reaching out into the dark... and the word that floats up in my senses is bereft.
not sure why. not a word i use very often. not a word anyone seems to use very much.

just read the dictionary definition just to be sure... i had no idea quite how pertinant it was...

of a person: lonely and abandoned, esp. through someone's death or departure.


language fascinates me. words amaze me. how do we learn what words mean? i've never read a dic def of that word in my life... when did i learn it? how did i learn it?

right now i'm listening to josh rouse... this track has been floating round my heart since i woke...

i don't know if you have this but this track is so damn beautiful... it's not so much the lyrics, well it is, but it's more the mood... it's filled with such longing for something better, in such a soft and gentle way... the kind of track you wanna dance, no, sway to... it's an embrace... of shared pain...

and i wonder... what hurts more... wanting to be cared for, or wanting to care for...?

i look at those quotes you gave me... and the nouwen one... definately. how else to say it...?

the desire for intimacy... or as Sigmund puts it: in. to. see. me. the tug and pull of that desire. the pain of the risk. of knowing what it feels to lose it. the fear compunded to ask for it. to even want it. it gags you, that fear...inside you're drowning...

anyway, here's josh...

::

She was feeling nineteen seventy two
Grooving to a Carole King tune
Is it too late baby?
Is it too late?

That boy was always up to no good
Smoking pot and playing pool
In the afternoon
Unemployed and high

We're going through the changes
Hoping for a replacement
Untill we find a way out of this hole

Spanish girl with the tatoo
Working nights at the drive through
And she asks herself
Could this be all?

Screwing in a motel room
Watching news on channel two
Victoria tell me
Is this your dream?

We're going through the changes
Hoping for a replacement
Untill we find a way out of this

We're going through the changes
Hoping for a replacement
Untill we find a way out of this
A way out of this hole

1972, Josh Rouse.

thanks too to RD. i've no idea what brings you past this way and i don't know what to do with that... but you are appreciated...

right, coffee is drained, i need to get out of pj's and hit the afternoon.. there's ikon shopping to be done for this year's gift we'll be giving to the gb 'congregation'; i need to buy a staple gun, superglue and cork board; there's a therapist to be seen and there's creative expression to be unleashed... and somewhere in all of that there's food to be eaten and healiing to be had...

julie, if you're here... i'll be playing your music as i start creating my stuff for the installation... and i'll be writing... thanks for reaching...

it's friday. a new day... the show must go on...

LB,x