had to walk

didn't want my last post of the day, albeit it's now a new day, to be about something as meaningless as MI3. so i'll ramble for a few moments before sleep...

this is a strange time. i feel like i'm in the calm before the storm of moving, which, despite going to be in a nest with keli and stu and the nourishment i hope that will bring, will be extremely hard and i suspect traumatic...i move in little over a week... gareth met me today and gave me a beautiful pep talk before he departs to the USA for a couple of weeks... i have to work out what i think i'm gonna need from those around me to buffer me in the storm and i need to communicate it... that will be hard for me... to say to those to whom i'm close, "i'm gonna probably fall apart and i'm gonna need you and your support if i'm to get through it intact..."
so much inherent vulnerabilty and a fear of need(iness).. and yet i don't think it's rationally unreasonable to consider it a momentous and traumatic experience: leaving your home and all that it symbolises of a marriage and apparant togetherness, separation and aloneness... security and knowness of the familar... fleeing the nest that once was, it's a big step and a fucking scary one. i hope i can cut myself some slack and forgive myself for the emotional turmoil it'll cause...i hope i'll have the courage to be honest in asking for help and trusting i'll be tethered by those i love and who i know love me...to be reminded of not-aloneness...

hopefully by now you've been over here and heard a sample of this track, which has me thinking of ride on by christy moore and the beatle's eleanor rigby. here's the lyrics to go with.

::
DROWN OUT

drown out, the voice that breaks the silence
and talks the joy out of everything
you were found out and had to walk
in darkness without the only thing you care about

and we drive away and head for south
we found our way and blocked it out

cry alone, and die alone
pray alone, and stay alone

you were burned out
and had to stop before all hell broke
and finally took its toll

and save our souls we're playing dead
and mine for gold in a heart of lead
and turn around and save yourself
we found our way and blocked it out

cry alone, and die alone
pray alone, and stay alone

drown out.. drown out..

::

i got my first real devoted and quality listen to this in the back room of CGs on yesterday, while ricky hung photographs he's exhibiting for sale -- some beautiful abstract architectual images from a series he took in berlin... there's another photographer's work in the front of the cafe -- i can't remember his name but he's from donegal, his images are of ireland at night.

i can't remember if i mentioned this already, but jayne's booked me in to do an installation/exhibition in october at cgs... it'll be a mixture of large scale collage, included some of my writing, some photography and painting... i'm gonna start taking the camera to CGs and starting doing portraits of the staff and regulars too...we'll see how those turn out... anyways, i'm looking forward to getting going on it... it'll take all summer to compile and construct it...

have started reading donna tartt's the little friend... the prologue made me near weeping with wonderment and envy at its exquistiteness...

in fact, i'm off to read some more...

nite all, sleep well...be well.

LB, x