behind the veil... in honesty

this post comes with gratitude for willow... who was a loving, patient listening ear tonight as i sat digging down to a place beneath the surface, where it felt like an irritating, unsatisfying, hard cynicism but turned out quite clearly hiding something that looks a whole lot more like hurt...it felt both strange and sacred to feel the honesty break through outside of Sigmund's room...to express with realness.

if therapy is teaching me anything, so far, it's the craft of self-questioning... to feel a state of being or an experience and honestly ask oneself, what's the emotion sitting beneath the facade, "what are you feeling?"

not an easy task...even if truth rises out of the deep quickly, it is pain that emerges and shows its face. more frequently than not one is reminded that what is projected is indeed a facade of self protection... one emotion masks another masks another...and the harder you reach down, not in critical rational analysis but with a spirit of care to self and emotional realness, then there is a lot going on you'd rather not admit...but it's real and if you don't acknowledge it, it can't be healed. i cannot be healed without acknowledging what it is within me that needs healing...

i'm gonna take a risk and try some honesty, some real realness...i'm gonna pull back the curtain a little... play Toto to my psyche for the briefest of moments... to reveal what goes on behind these words i write here and let you see... the things i share... i might very well delete this later, but here in the sparking moment, it seems the right thing to do. i have no idea why. but i'm going step way beyond my usual boundaries because my gut tells me i should... that somehow this is significant...honesty is a hard place but a sacred one...

so much of this daily ritual of writing, unlike in my private scribblings, there is an active editing occuring. i conceal as much as i reveal... so for tonight i'm gonna let you in on a secret. something i only came to see, (let alone understand the reasons why - that's the road ahead), a week ago...

above here at the top of the page are the words, ::an exercise in learning the art of gratitude. and surprise:: i describe that intention as a realer form of optimism. it is not a blind act of wishful thinking but a fumbling attempt to see the beauty in all experience. and in doing this thing called blogging, i try and share those moments...you might think i do this as an act of altruistic encouragement to others on the hard road...or as a selfish act, to fool you into thinking i'm somehow a person of integrity, sojourning with something that looks like faith or courage...

i believe it's not truly beautiful until it's shared...that belief is a defining aspect of my nature... i see a person, thing, moment of beauty, inspiration, meaning, and it does not have completeness until i have shared it with another... i so very much want to extend that gift of life in all things to others, but most especially, with those i love...

but what can feel so strong as to feel like belief, is also a defence, an avoidance, a deflective action built up over years, over a lifetime... an act of protection...behind the veil... behind that sharing, that giving away of my experience, my including others in what i see, and hear, and feel... and i'm gonna say this quietly, as an act of confession...
i am really asking you to stand in my shoes.. to see this world through my eyes... and to feel what i feel... and in doing so to affirm that experience, my experience of life, my passions, my loves, my spilling over, my splurging... to see beauty in me... to see me as i am and see it as good thing... to accept me for me...

what a vulnerable place to be, to ask that one be loved for who one is... one who feels truly alive when one is unedited, spilling over, expressing the passion one feels...how fragile a place to be to say to those you love... this is me as i am, do you love this me? not the one you want or wish i am but the me that i am...

and so i edit... pull back, play it safe, take the easy options, the sensible routes far too often... always editing, with a purpose of trying to please, not offend, do what is acceptable and reasonable...

and with the editing, i point outward to the moments of meaning, to what the day brings, and to those around me, that inspire me and say, "isn't there so much beauty, grace, love out there in the world, in these people?"... and although i always mean it, what i am only beginning to recognise, i won't risk the rejection that will surely come if i say, "really look at me, at who i really am, can you see the beauty in me?"

i desire so much to creatively express what i see, feel believe... but i have yet to find the courage to say, "this act of spilling over and telling of a mighty grace, synchronicity, meaning, in all things, however painful the road may seem, and in you ... it is this that what i want to do with my life... however i fill my days... it is in the splurgeful creating of that expression that i feel fully alive...love the me that wants to live a creative life, to tell the story."

because here's the heart of the matter: the one who edits is the one who spills over. the very thing that protects me is so much of who i feel i really am. i just wish i had the courage to ask that be enough...more than enough, quite possibly a thing of beauty. and worthy of your love...

but i will retrace my steps, let the curtain fall back...

and i'll keep pointing outward...but never asking for your approval that i so desperately want... how could i ever convince you how much the telling of tale as it unfolds means to me... if i could get past the need for your approval, i might live beyond my boundaries...take risks, make mistakes, but learn the art of spilling over with expression...to try all the different ways there are to tell this tale of living... so i'll keeping editing, and we'll keep pretending this creating thing is an indulgence, a hobby, nothing of vital importance in my story... never face up to the fact that this is who i am...

LB, x