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sorry to gar for stopping my response to your comment today mid-thought... i realised i was running late for therapy and just posted the comment before i made a mad dash out the door... i haven't looked back at it, so i hope it makes some kind of sense...

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this must be one of the youngest bloggers out there... Liam. i didn't get to see these folks when they were last back due to jenna's morning sickness and well, i had a lot of stuff going on at the time... so it's great to see these photos and see how their life is unfolding in its beautiful way... a good reminder of the libidinous possibilities...

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my heart's been heavy today...i needed to process this week's grieving for the pain of others in my life so that i can be kind to myself and my own grieving...i know with that comes the fear that in needing to look after myself i will fear letting others down that mean so much to me... today i feel tremors coming... turbulence ahead. had a moving but beautifully honest conversation with willow, who has my sincere gratitude. willow noted that so often we project the very opposite of what we need when we need it most. inside you are screaming, 'help me!' but on the outside you're smiling and saying 'i'm fine!' willow asked me what i need in the coming weeks and i tried my best to meet her in that place with honesty... so far i feel like i need a stabilising sense of consistency in the everydayness of things and my relationships to offset all the change...

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got to hear a cool band at common grounds tonight, the winding stair. there was something very reminiscent of led zeppelin in there and it was no surprise that the guy on acoustic guitar is a long standing 'mettler'- i often think there's something special to be heard when a metal guitarist goes acoustic - these guys had a real folksy thing going on with violin, cello and two female vocalists but, as RM pointed out, it was the guitar that was driving the rhythm of it all, and with great energy and amazing finger work... great stuff.

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i gave Sigmund a copy of the swell season today... i have no idea what the etiquette is of giving musical gifts to your therapist but it has been the soundtrack of the week and it just felt like a very natural thing for me to do...fits with our current conversations and so i decided to go with my gut instinct...

in turn, he told me to check out a track on the new snow patrol... ben had a copy in cgs and so he put it on for me and gave me the nod when the song came on so i could give it my attention... i recognised the lyric Sigmund wanted me to hear immediately. my own words reflected back to me... i let go of any discomfort i might cause the stranger sitting opposite and didn't even try to hold back the parallel tracks of tears that spilled silently over as i rested my head on the arm of the sofa and looked up into the blossom outside...

and ben was an angel in dredlocks... as i waited for willow and ricky to appear and tried to eat with something that might be described as enthusiasm, (not my current forte i'm finding), in his own unique ben way he sent me coded messages in chocolate powder on top of my A-choc-alypse Now!s and on a comments card slipped into my lap... and he gave me snow patrol so i could take it home and listen in private... he is a remarkable young zippy spring of a thing with a capacity for expressing love with honest unselfconsciousness... i, like so many in the cafe, have developed a great fondness and love for him... he his spilling over the edges of life with creativity and joy despite his own story of pain...

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i have to go get organised for a busy saturday and despite feeling like i could write all night i must resist. i realised today that writing has for me become a necessity like breathing... my day does not feel complete unless i have entered that space where i write unselfconsciously and lose all sense of time... in this zone, even when expressing pain there is a peace that comes over me... a rightness... i feel like me as my fingers strike the keys... this process has become so significant to my everyday... writing proves living...

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so here's to a weekend under instruction from Sigmund to treat myself with kindness...the coming days will strike to the heart of my need for attachment and security and also push me into that vulnerable space where i fear abandonment just when i feel the ground shaking beneath me... that Terror will prevent me for asking for help, will stop me from acknowledging my fears and my instability...

and yet i feel so much of this journey i am on is taking the shape of living honestly, without so much editing of self... to bear witness to what causes me to feel sadness and loss as well as beauty, and to match that in my relationships as much as in my creating...

i need courage. the ::fasten your seat belt:: sign is lit.

LB,x

* not our last days of silent screaming blur