coming thick and fast

(or, i forgot to keep my finger on the trigger)

when you can't voice your thoughts and feelings writing is so much more necessary. you feel the inner purging bubbling up. unstoppable. if you don't, you'll fall apart. if you can get it out then maybe you can stumble forward into the next day. maybe if you can find the words to articulate what's going on in your soul then the confusion will be abated and you can find peace.

the private tortures are the conversations we never have the words never uttered the gestures not given all twisting and knotting up inside - riot thoughts.

these non-utterances are part of the carefully constructed walls of protection. the fortress from which to hide behind. but the hiding can't last forever. not if you want to let others in. speech is vulnerability. the words leave your mouth and strike the ear of the other. in the transmission you hold your breath knowing the most horrific truth of love:
when you speak your heart, you become vulnerable to the other. it is their choice to accept or reject you. to let you in or shut you out. you can't get love if you don't take that risk.

and so you turn vulnerability to rejection. add another few bricks to your wall and keep the other out. make them a stranger where they were moments before a friend or a lover or a brother. push them out and away. dress it up how you like. it's not you, it's me. keep out. i'll hurt you. generalise. rationalise. explain away. tell them you're doing it. it's just how it is. this is what we do to stay alive. and in the push, you hurt them. before they can hurt you. this is how you avoid the horror.

will you miss it? regret it? maybe. probably. but the risk of love is one that for some is far too high a stake.

better to have never known love at all than to have loved and lost.

LB, x

::ADDENDUM::

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

~ jeff buckley - hallelujah.