another difficult day in a difficult week...
but at least a good decision was made in a good conversation with keli today: i'm gonna move in with her and stu, to their new house in east belfast, where a lot of folks we know are in the vicinity - sometime in May most likely. this is a major life altering decision. but a necessary one i think. it will be my half way house for a while, to help me transition to whatever comes next.
stretches out hand...
i am broken. tired. lost. terrified.
i miss you as much as i love you.
i'd call. but all i'd do is weep.
i'm sure i've been here before. what did i do to get out?
didn't i leave some crumbs?
where did i put the map?
i'm sure it'd say,
here lie monsters...
wish you were here.
you're so good at navigation...
LB, x.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
a little time to rest
Baby's still on intermintent power charges so apologies for lack of postings at the mo.
Still, after the last few days i've had, it's saved you reading a whole lotta darkness.
had a really mixed bag of a weekend... i can save us all a whole lotta time and baby some juice by cutting to the heart of the matter and saying it comes down to a sense of unrootedness and lack of home at present - which seems so absurd as i type this in my rather amazing kitchen which i know i shall miss in the years to come...
but this lack of home makes for tough days when i find myself still very much in the process of grieving (annie lamott got me on that theme on saturday and right now i don't know whether to thank her or curse her but she's right when she says the only way to get through grief is to grieve)...
i feel very much like a bird that finds itself without a nest...lots of little signposts right now that i don't feel at home, lacking in an essential sense of safety and security that for this little birdy is very important...and that until such time as sigmund helps me work out how to cope with that i am very much in need of feeling that security...i left work early today feeling a major sense of claustrophobia and utterly worn down by several days of perpetual anxiety, in large part caused by trying hold back frequent bouts of persitant tears. i count myself profoundly fortunate to have those in my life who without even needing to ask understand my need for their reasssuring presence and closeness when feeling so deeply unsettled. no need for major analysis or conversation, but simply the quiet and easy creation of a little homely refuge from the storm for me to settle in so if nothing else i could physically relax my limbs while curled up in safety. we've been here before and no doubt we'll be here again.
chris told me tonight that one of the functions of the psychoanalyst's couch is that it can become like curling up in the arms of your mother. i think i have profoundly felt that deeply buried primal human need these past few days... to feel physically protected, even though paradoxiacally the storm rages on the inside...to be able to trust that if you close your eyes you won't open them to find yourself abandoned... this alone thing is hard... i feel like goldilocks in father bear's bed when i try to sleep at night... ... ... ... i am yearning for home...
one upside of the last few days, the ikon art installation looks amazing...and it's really inspired me as to how much i want my nest to be somewhere that i, and those i love, can paint on...a collage of our lives... not a place to be kept perfect but an every changing evolving pallete of colour and texture...
and i know that wherever my nest turns out to be i now have at least 4 interior design consultants who totally get me and my style will be more than willing to offer their 2 cents worth when it comes to gathering bits of twine and twig... it'll be a good nest...
thank you to those who made home for me today...i will sleep better tonight than i have done in a whiles because of you...speaking of which, it's quarter to two... better hit the pillow and see if i can't get me some zzzzzzz
::tuesday is the new sunday::
LB, x
Still, after the last few days i've had, it's saved you reading a whole lotta darkness.
had a really mixed bag of a weekend... i can save us all a whole lotta time and baby some juice by cutting to the heart of the matter and saying it comes down to a sense of unrootedness and lack of home at present - which seems so absurd as i type this in my rather amazing kitchen which i know i shall miss in the years to come...
but this lack of home makes for tough days when i find myself still very much in the process of grieving (annie lamott got me on that theme on saturday and right now i don't know whether to thank her or curse her but she's right when she says the only way to get through grief is to grieve)...
i feel very much like a bird that finds itself without a nest...lots of little signposts right now that i don't feel at home, lacking in an essential sense of safety and security that for this little birdy is very important...and that until such time as sigmund helps me work out how to cope with that i am very much in need of feeling that security...i left work early today feeling a major sense of claustrophobia and utterly worn down by several days of perpetual anxiety, in large part caused by trying hold back frequent bouts of persitant tears. i count myself profoundly fortunate to have those in my life who without even needing to ask understand my need for their reasssuring presence and closeness when feeling so deeply unsettled. no need for major analysis or conversation, but simply the quiet and easy creation of a little homely refuge from the storm for me to settle in so if nothing else i could physically relax my limbs while curled up in safety. we've been here before and no doubt we'll be here again.
chris told me tonight that one of the functions of the psychoanalyst's couch is that it can become like curling up in the arms of your mother. i think i have profoundly felt that deeply buried primal human need these past few days... to feel physically protected, even though paradoxiacally the storm rages on the inside...to be able to trust that if you close your eyes you won't open them to find yourself abandoned... this alone thing is hard... i feel like goldilocks in father bear's bed when i try to sleep at night... ... ... ... i am yearning for home...
one upside of the last few days, the ikon art installation looks amazing...and it's really inspired me as to how much i want my nest to be somewhere that i, and those i love, can paint on...a collage of our lives... not a place to be kept perfect but an every changing evolving pallete of colour and texture...
and i know that wherever my nest turns out to be i now have at least 4 interior design consultants who totally get me and my style will be more than willing to offer their 2 cents worth when it comes to gathering bits of twine and twig... it'll be a good nest...
thank you to those who made home for me today...i will sleep better tonight than i have done in a whiles because of you...speaking of which, it's quarter to two... better hit the pillow and see if i can't get me some zzzzzzz
::tuesday is the new sunday::
LB, x
Friday, March 24, 2006
cloud juice and follies
so, i's got me a therapist.
a freudian psychodynamic therapist to be exact and he ::rocks:: (the highest form of compliment i can give) he opened the door, i saw his hallway and i just knew this was the man for me. instant. i think he and i will get on very well and he said same. so for the time being we will be 'working together', which is a rather nice way of putting it. i have no intention of sharing on these pages what goes on in those sessions but i have no doubt echoes will be evident whether you or indeed i know it or not. but for this one time at least i will share something of what he said, so that you will know the journey i am embarking on and articulate what is possibly the most self-driven act i have ever done.
willow requested we match his code of confidentiality to me by using a pseudonym for him. i have agreed to this, if for nothing else than playfulness... a couple of folks know his name but i understand the mystery willow is also looking to preserve...so after throwing back and forward a couple of names i came up with the somewhat unoriginal but entirely appropriate Sigmund. as willow says, it gives him an air of authority and wisdom, and immediately coined the phrase, "bring it ta sigmund", which speaks to the intentionality of the process of having "shit" (his term, which is a little freaky cause it's the term i use for my darknesss and he didn't know it) and having a space which i control to bring said shit and where to quote freud as he did, the therapist acts as a vessel for the client's love and hate. a strong secure vessel, "bring your shit to me, i can take it", (ricky and willow actually applauded my recounting of this - and in unison said, "This is cary's kinda therapist!") and where we will be looking to get past the conscious to the unconsciousness (hand reaches back to point to a place behind the head) where all the "crap" is stored. i'm guessing that's psychotherapeutic technical term there. see, he really is my kinda guy. when speaking with affection i may resort to the more quirky style of Sigfield
this all feels like a profoundly empowered place to be. this will be the most worthwhile money i possibly ever spend in my life. it took a lot of encouragement from those who love me to finally do this but i feel i am now pursuing this path because i want to, not because it will please anybody else. i choose it. and i'm excited at the prospect of a journey that will require courage and resiliance because it will transform me and also my relationships and i don't yet know what that will look like and it will not always be comfortable but it will be a more honest existence... and i hope that it might help me shape a life that i want for myself... one where i know my decisions are made by me, for me, because they are honest decisions that will help me build a life where i thrive. live from my mojo. my essence. and in doing so am able to freely love and give as i in turn freely receive.
so friends, this is me taking a bit of control... this is me embarking on a journey to allow the real me to unfurl and to embrace it, her... to commit myself to being a friend to the person i meet...
to thine own self be true.
big shout out to Suz. and welcome back to Mo, Jayne and Gail, who, when they get to reading this, will have returned from their silent retreat under the capable Ignatian hands of Padraig.
right, off to rouge my knees and roll my stockings down by the fire and watch ::Chicago::
LB, x.
dates for your diary:
sunday 26th
3pm - installing the ikon one colour red art installation at the waterfront hall. all volunteers welcome.
6pm - ikon monthly gathering - this time in the waterfront bar overlooking the lagan
click here and hit tour the venue and then selct bar to see this location if you don't know it... should be very cool setting...
monday 27th
7-9pm
launch of the installation
all are welcome to the soiree
the installation will be on all week and you are invited to help dissolve or indeed deconstruct it...
a freudian psychodynamic therapist to be exact and he ::rocks:: (the highest form of compliment i can give) he opened the door, i saw his hallway and i just knew this was the man for me. instant. i think he and i will get on very well and he said same. so for the time being we will be 'working together', which is a rather nice way of putting it. i have no intention of sharing on these pages what goes on in those sessions but i have no doubt echoes will be evident whether you or indeed i know it or not. but for this one time at least i will share something of what he said, so that you will know the journey i am embarking on and articulate what is possibly the most self-driven act i have ever done.
willow requested we match his code of confidentiality to me by using a pseudonym for him. i have agreed to this, if for nothing else than playfulness... a couple of folks know his name but i understand the mystery willow is also looking to preserve...so after throwing back and forward a couple of names i came up with the somewhat unoriginal but entirely appropriate Sigmund. as willow says, it gives him an air of authority and wisdom, and immediately coined the phrase, "bring it ta sigmund", which speaks to the intentionality of the process of having "shit" (his term, which is a little freaky cause it's the term i use for my darknesss and he didn't know it) and having a space which i control to bring said shit and where to quote freud as he did, the therapist acts as a vessel for the client's love and hate. a strong secure vessel, "bring your shit to me, i can take it", (ricky and willow actually applauded my recounting of this - and in unison said, "This is cary's kinda therapist!") and where we will be looking to get past the conscious to the unconsciousness (hand reaches back to point to a place behind the head) where all the "crap" is stored. i'm guessing that's psychotherapeutic technical term there. see, he really is my kinda guy. when speaking with affection i may resort to the more quirky style of Sigfield
this all feels like a profoundly empowered place to be. this will be the most worthwhile money i possibly ever spend in my life. it took a lot of encouragement from those who love me to finally do this but i feel i am now pursuing this path because i want to, not because it will please anybody else. i choose it. and i'm excited at the prospect of a journey that will require courage and resiliance because it will transform me and also my relationships and i don't yet know what that will look like and it will not always be comfortable but it will be a more honest existence... and i hope that it might help me shape a life that i want for myself... one where i know my decisions are made by me, for me, because they are honest decisions that will help me build a life where i thrive. live from my mojo. my essence. and in doing so am able to freely love and give as i in turn freely receive.
so friends, this is me taking a bit of control... this is me embarking on a journey to allow the real me to unfurl and to embrace it, her... to commit myself to being a friend to the person i meet...
to thine own self be true.
big shout out to Suz. and welcome back to Mo, Jayne and Gail, who, when they get to reading this, will have returned from their silent retreat under the capable Ignatian hands of Padraig.
right, off to rouge my knees and roll my stockings down by the fire and watch ::Chicago::
LB, x.
dates for your diary:
sunday 26th
3pm - installing the ikon one colour red art installation at the waterfront hall. all volunteers welcome.
6pm - ikon monthly gathering - this time in the waterfront bar overlooking the lagan
click here and hit tour the venue and then selct bar to see this location if you don't know it... should be very cool setting...
monday 27th
7-9pm
launch of the installation
all are welcome to the soiree
the installation will be on all week and you are invited to help dissolve or indeed deconstruct it...
i need sommat alright...
well, therapy for starters, or, as i was recently reminded, we all need therapy...
i don't know why you need might need it but last night i found another item of concern to add the list to take to my potenial-therapist tomorrow.
i watched american psycho on the TV last night and was reminded of the fact that, even while weilding a chain saw, i found christian bale rather beautiful and i'm so lying when i say rather...his despicably mysogynistic slaughterfest and downward spiral into complete psychopathy did nothing to dull my liking of the man. ::thud::
so it's no surprise that on a trip to the supermarket after a very crazy day in the office, that i,
(and yes the observant amongst you will note that this is thursday and i'm not 'paid' to be there on a thursday, but that's the kind of week it's been and i say 'paid' because i don't know when i'm actually getting my salary this month...did someone mention funding crisis? anyways despite nightmare cashflow scenarios if the beaureucratic wheels of EU funding programmes would get up of their asses and bloody well TURN and show us the money we are owed, there will actually be money in the coffers to pay me a little longer, at least through april and at 4 days a week, not 3, which i agreed to because trying squeeze 5 days work of your own job plus a significant chunk of your non-existent line manager's job into 3 days was getting a little fraught. but well, i could be living in a slum with a 3 mile trek to clean water so i really cannot compalin. i'm bloody fortunate. anyway, this is a parenthetical digression of the highest order... back to the supermarket)
along with cat food, vegetables, ribena, shampoo, duct tape, set of knives, nail gun and a whitney housten cd, somehow a special edition copy of batman begins ended up in my trolley (cart to US readers - far cooler anyway, like boot/trunk - on occassion the USofA has actually improved on the queen's english). even the good dr doesn't have this 2 cd edition. he has actually just left after one of our ::weekly late night cuppas:: (TM) so i am about to return to continue my first even viewing of said film. i have to admit to taking little in during the first half hour due to complete distraction at the exceptional example of scruffy beardedness on display, (and let's not dwell on the ::drop into press ups:: move which quite frankly i think any person would be happy to see their man do of a morning upon rising) i was regretful not to have seen this on the big screen, batman being my favourite of all comic super heroes - and so far i'm loving the exploration of the darkness he carries. needless to say, the special feature entitled ::shaping mind and body: observe christain bale's transformation into batman:: had nothing to do with said spontaneous purchase... nothing. at. all.
been quite excited all week. looking forward to our first date and seeing if this could be the start of a long standing relationship...with the therapist that is...
hope you're having a good week folks.
back to the movie...
LB, x
i don't know why you need might need it but last night i found another item of concern to add the list to take to my potenial-therapist tomorrow.
i watched american psycho on the TV last night and was reminded of the fact that, even while weilding a chain saw, i found christian bale rather beautiful and i'm so lying when i say rather...his despicably mysogynistic slaughterfest and downward spiral into complete psychopathy did nothing to dull my liking of the man. ::thud::
so it's no surprise that on a trip to the supermarket after a very crazy day in the office, that i,
(and yes the observant amongst you will note that this is thursday and i'm not 'paid' to be there on a thursday, but that's the kind of week it's been and i say 'paid' because i don't know when i'm actually getting my salary this month...did someone mention funding crisis? anyways despite nightmare cashflow scenarios if the beaureucratic wheels of EU funding programmes would get up of their asses and bloody well TURN and show us the money we are owed, there will actually be money in the coffers to pay me a little longer, at least through april and at 4 days a week, not 3, which i agreed to because trying squeeze 5 days work of your own job plus a significant chunk of your non-existent line manager's job into 3 days was getting a little fraught. but well, i could be living in a slum with a 3 mile trek to clean water so i really cannot compalin. i'm bloody fortunate. anyway, this is a parenthetical digression of the highest order... back to the supermarket)
along with cat food, vegetables, ribena, shampoo, duct tape, set of knives, nail gun and a whitney housten cd, somehow a special edition copy of batman begins ended up in my trolley (cart to US readers - far cooler anyway, like boot/trunk - on occassion the USofA has actually improved on the queen's english). even the good dr doesn't have this 2 cd edition. he has actually just left after one of our ::weekly late night cuppas:: (TM) so i am about to return to continue my first even viewing of said film. i have to admit to taking little in during the first half hour due to complete distraction at the exceptional example of scruffy beardedness on display, (and let's not dwell on the ::drop into press ups:: move which quite frankly i think any person would be happy to see their man do of a morning upon rising) i was regretful not to have seen this on the big screen, batman being my favourite of all comic super heroes - and so far i'm loving the exploration of the darkness he carries. needless to say, the special feature entitled ::shaping mind and body: observe christain bale's transformation into batman:: had nothing to do with said spontaneous purchase... nothing. at. all.
been quite excited all week. looking forward to our first date and seeing if this could be the start of a long standing relationship...with the therapist that is...
hope you're having a good week folks.
back to the movie...
LB, x
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