sacred space of the shared story

after a nice easy going morning with keli, getting inspired to learn the craft and art of quilting, i got to enjoy a long overdue and heartfelt conversation with pete, into which we dived and rarely came up for breath... a wonderful example of realising and acknowledging that it is an act and benefit of loving that you can speak your truth and it need not be cause for division but rather for celebrating and embracing... we have missed each other these past six months or so whilst i've been on a sabbatical from ikon, and if the only benefit came from ikon's service at gb was that the planning brought us back to the table and be reminded of the friendship that has grown around us and between in the many hours spent ikon-ing over the past few years, then colour me truly gratitudinal.

the conversation was a good marker for me of how much i have learned these past few months with Sigmund. there is much to be learnt ahead and no doubt more rupture in my little world to face, caused by the shit life throws at you and the journey of therapy, but i claimed today as something of a celebration... a year ago my world was crumbling around me, the ground slipping away and my life close to having no value in my own eyes...

and here i am a year on. and i have not only survived but i find myself feeling a sense of contentment with the reality of being on my own. i'm okay. of having realised and gaining benefit from putting the truths i learn into practice: i am reaping the fruit of learning to hold on lighter. it's making my life easier. to learn the art of trust. of recognising and seeking true stability and learning how to be flexible. and if i am in a zone of rapture it is because i have taken the brave step when faced with crisis to learn more about myself and faced right into the rupture(s) of my life (past and present) and lived to tell the tale. in a time of extreme vulnerability i chose to make myself even more vulnerable by facing myself. so that i might not just survive separation but get to a healthier mental and emotional place than i have ever been in my life.
so i have claimed september as a month to acknowledge how far i have come and that i deserve to feel proud of myself to be in a much better place, thanks to the beauty of consistent committed community and because of my own strength... and it is good to enjoy the rapture because it means when i re-enter and face the rupture again, and dig deeper on this journey, i can do so knowing i can do it and come out the other end...

and fwiw, Sigmund didn't say most of that. i did. and i'm not sure if he wanted to applaud or cry. perhaps both.

so. here's to being able to wear a smile and say, genuinely when asked, things are pretty good right now. to redefining who i am based on what is in me, not on what i think others want me to be. to loving without grasping. to seeing the difference between your own storm and that of your loved ones and knowing that if "the only life you can save is your own" then there's a whole lotta love for yourself and those you love in getting on with that. in realising that sometimes you just have to let go in order to love, and that sometimes loving is letting go so you can see better how to care. i'm getting a glimpse of what my life looks like without being bound by the crippling double bind of the need for attachment and fear of abandonment. to standing on my own two feet. to trusting. and risk-taking. and self-care. and perhaps more importantly, to saying, i deserve to do this for me. i am worth it. getting to a point that i can try that idea out for size and voice it has been a hard one. i have had to work really hard in that sacred space with Sigmund that today was the colour of warm rich honey. there's more hard work to do. more monsters i haven't even dared put words too yet. living consistently like the above is indeed true and exploring the darkness and facing the monsters that right now are on a little vacation will be no less hard a road. but for now, i'm taking a pause and saying, girl, you've come a long fucking way and i am giving you some deserved props for not giving up. for seeing your light in the darkness. for daring to try and shine.

and as i just dared to voice that, this played...

Fall is walking us into a cold December wind
And maybe we won't last too long
But maybe we will make it to play a brave new song
Mixing up the failure with the new
In hopes for something true

when the road gets really hard again, remind me of this place. of the rapture that can come from facing the rupture. so that i will have courage. i could not have gotten to even this little landmark without you. you know who you all are. thank you. and to those being battered by their own storms, i'm doing my best to learn how to offer a hand without falling out the boat myself.

we may indeed catch fire yet...

LB, x