never have a double espresso at 9 in the evening...
so, thinking aloud... what if assumption of rejection and fear of abandonment have anything to do with why i always found the idea of salvation a profoundly difficult thing to accept... and that in letting go of the idea i somehow found a lessening of anxiety...
hmmm...
there remains the problematic issue of my adult agnosticism (i dare not be an atheist for fear it might kill what remains of my childhood wonderment of the beauty i understood to be created and the transcendent feeling of connection to something greater than myself... in the trees, in the birds, in the petal, in the smell of the grass after rain...a euphoria that there was and is something divine in the beauty of it all), removal of anxiety will not make salvation any more factually real to me... but allthesame, i wonder whether in this light it is no coincidence that i found the promise of a saviour a hard message to absorb...
i feel sleep beckoning. finally.
LB,x
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