a grace filled friday

well 24 hours later and i am in a much better headspace...

i won't say all in my soul is perfectly rosy and glowing with joy but i am in a much better, kinder, calmer place of being...

spent a sunshiney couple of hours with jude and mark (both in apt and infectious sunshiney mood for my weary spirit) down at strangford lough this lunchtime - we ate fish and chips on the pier in the sun... saw loads of beautiful winged things, and a crab scuttling along the floor of the harbour, a jellyfish doing its jelly dance, and watched the sailing boats go by (and i thought how much i'd like to do that)...

mark and jude went and caught up on some sleep, having arrived on the first plane from london this morning at some godforsaken hour, and i had a lovely afternoon in the unexpected company of various lads from the cafe (CGs is closed for the '12th fortnight' so we all found ourselves hanging out at the competition down the road)...all of whom made me smile. got to hear about stephen's new life as a father, entertained by ben and leigh as they played backgammon, had a nourishing encounter with padraig, and hung out with ricky browsing the guardian over coffee and level5ing in the sun... the only thing i got around to writing was the answers in the crossword, but it didn't matter... piece by piece i started returning to myself...

the day ended in the company of dear friends chez mark... entertaining chat in the evening sun, a couple of glasses of wine ensued... all in all a night of lovely mirthful exchanges and good humour well shared. jayne and i sat and talked in the car outside my place, as we so often do at the end of a night out - little milestone markers in our friendship, and as i stepped in the door i had to admit, this was a good day...

most significantly perhaps, today was one to be thankful for because i had the opportunity during the course of today to have insightful conversations with two of my closest friends, each of whom yesterday i shut out as everything caved in... it was a burden on my heart that i had retreated so far into myself that i should suddenly disconnect so much in their presences because it doesn't just mess with my world, it messes with their worlds, and i guess our shared worlds... it was a moment of grace with each of them to feel friendship intact and talk it over a little... each in their unique ways mean so much to me...but, and this is ridiculously hard to acknowledge but i shall force myself to utter it... i mean something to each of them too... and i retreated into a place of mistrust, where my fears collided in a car crash of emotion, my fears denied their care for me...and that does each a huge disservice...but i am letting go of the guilt and instead will be thankful for grace...

yesterday has passed, all my fears of today were for naught, and so i retire to bed with a pocketful of lessons to learn, some practical tools to start putting into place so i don't start sliding back down the well without noticing, and reminded that i am loved. and i'm worth being loved. and if i can say that a few times before sleep, as instructed by dear jayne, then that's as good a caring as i have done for myself in a while...

thank you for kind thoughts in comments, texts and emails...right back at ya to the lot of ya...

right. sleep beckons. tomorrow is a day of fun with a whole bunch of the above...better recharge the batteries...

nite,

LB, x