down in the fault

some kind of monster

::

i've been sitting here with an americano made from yesterday's espresso (lazy scumbag, but it saves energy and resources - mine and the earth's) and my fingertips hovering over the keys with a shake that might be taken for caffeine overload were it not for my arms and shoulders shaking in accord...

since i woke i have paced the house 5 times, started and failed to tidy the dining table - picking items up only to set them straight back down again...

the house is deadly quiet. i'd put music on but i wouldn't know what to choose...

emotional and mental instability is not self indulgence, but isolation...it is not easier to be in a dark place...it is the persistant crisis of finding oneself there and the ensuing war being waged within...

::

house
house slips into a fault line
a crack the widens up and swallows it hole

dark corridor

leaving the light behind. inching forward toward a door moving like breathing, rattles like pandora's jar...something beyond...if she opens the door there will only be one escape route towards the light... but what if she freezes, or is instantaneously eaten when the thing escapes... is it an angry devouring thing or is it nothing...a living breathing nothing...?

and so i sit in the dark corridor, looking toward the light and back toward the door and back and forth andbackandforthandbackand
forthandbackandforthandbackandforthandback andbackandforthandbackandforthandbackandforth
andbackandforthandbackandforthandback
andforth...

there is a rope tied around my waist, it leads back where i came from... if i pull on it, will it feel slack? could i keep pulling until it all lies around me in a pool of forgotteness?

should i run? shoulders grazing against cold walls as i hurtle back to the surface where the technicolour people are marching on one spot in grotesque unison, pack up your troubles in your old kit bag, and smile, smile, smile... but knowing that down there it lives, it breathes, where it has been all along...

frightened bones rattle and a voice is shouting... i screamandiscreamandiscreamandiscreamandiscream but no sound... and the shouting keeps coming without ceasing...

who should i fear more, the shouting thing or the unkown thing behind the door...?


::

i played a tune my brother made and table cleared...

::


my empathic whore said,

the room is filled with tears right now,

someone is very frightened

for the first time i cannot see your left eye as you look at me

i promise you:

you are safe

i'm gonna challenge you

can i challenge you?

that voice is not your's

this super ego interrupting you

trying to silence you, judge you

i'm gonna crack the whip:

treat yourself with kindness

maybe they love you in all your fuckedupness...


LB,x