in praise of silence and leaps of faith

Or, a story of 24 redemptive hours told out of sequence in which i faced an old enemy called solitude (and survived to tell the tale)


So, with a job intact for February and March, back at my old stomping ground in Public Achievement for 3-4 days a week, today i had a truly inspiring day of green-ness.

got to visit the art college and see the glass-work-in-progress of heather wilson and work in fabric, branches, metal and paint and porcelein by some fellow MA students - wow! - and then went and got some bits n pieces for the current creative projects i'm working on, encouraged along by the gracious and ever-wise jayne.

whilst i ended up not having enough time to be further inspired by seeing Rize as planned with jayne, charlie and ella, i did eat a big plate of stew and got to chat with danielle louise.

dani told me that she knew some folks in new york. on september 11th, with all hell breaking loose, 2 of them contacted 2 others, each one professing their love for their friend, each one believing they may not survive the day and wanting to die knowing they had confessed their hearts' romantic desire for so much more... needless to say, they lived to tell the tale...it's amazing how bad things need to get for people to take a risk of the heart... and dani said if you knew that you'd call someone in the face of death, then you should do it today. dani's into bold gestures. she has an aussie's gutsiness. she was making a powerful point about the fear that binds us as humans...and as i drove home i was listening to the sigur ros track ::hoppipola:: (which translates as jumping into puddles - what a feckin' amazing language, that one word could describe that!) and i thought that it was very much the soundtrack to someone making such a bold gesture...jumping in to make a splash...it's the sound of an arm outstretched with a big bunch of roses beyond caring if they get turned down... of someone running through the pouring rain and shouting romantic poetry up to a window at 3 in the morning...of a first kiss leading to shared laughter of mirthful, surprised and gratified delight... or indeed the sound of the universe applauding the bravery of lost and wandering souls to keep going and to dare to have hope when all seems lost...

but i must backtrack. i made friends with a demon.

last night was significant...with gareth off to guernsey for some quality time with Paul C., i faced what in many ways i considered my first real night alone in the house...in that i knew it was coming and i that i had to meet it head on and confront solitude and silence...i got through it...i sat in total silence for longer than i think i ever willingly have by choice...something i find deeply discomforting...aloneness has always been a dragon i was too scared to slay...and in between the silences i poured words onto the page...
and then... so that i might feel connected to my fellow sojourners in tuesday group, who are all going on parallel and entwined journeys of their own (with instruction from ignatius of loyala, inspiration from john o'donohue, conversations with the women of luke's gospel, and guided by padraig) and too are discovering contemplative space and what it means for us each to be fully alive, i listened for the first time with real intention to ::takk:: by sigur ros (from which hoppipola is third track), which was playing at our meal this past tuesday...
and then wrote some more... and cried... and smiled...and cried and smiled at the same time for good measure... and finally allowed the aloneness to be released from confrontation into consolation...finding that in the powerful long quiet that followed the music i didn't feel the disconnection i feared...

the track that really spoke to me last night in the dark hours of the night was ::glosoli::

as i began to feel fear turn to peace unfolding into hope becoming gratitude and wonder, i wrote the following...

::
it is the sound of
a hand opening
a bird stretching its wings
of icicles melting
of moments cracking with grace
the sound of someone stepping up and out into nothingness to fly
::

i sent this, and pages more of darkness, heartache, doubt, fragile hopes, memory and thankfulness, that had spilled out over many hours, and sent them out into the night to a fellow traveller still bravely slaying dragons of fear of their own... and today this came back...

::
...there is something about fear that has the potential
to turn into excitement. hope can guide it there, a
good thought, an inspiring word from another, can
allow you to move toward looking out at the vast
expanses with excitement. a glimmer in your eye, the
adventure, the fascination, the inquisitive child that
must know what lies beyond those hills, like having to
look to see what is on the other side of the hedge at
the top of your garden.
there is a whole world of healing delights
::

a night. a day. two songs. side by side. in turn, feeding me. inspiring me. expressing the universal...and the shared journey and the love and the inspiringly beautiful thoughts of people i love...all entwining...connecting me...giving me safe harbour despite the solitude...

i have no idea what the lyrics of either of those songs mean and like steve said at tuesday's dinner, i'm not sure i want a translation... the beauty of a language like icelandic is it's otherness...so unrecognisable and unfamiliar... like sigur ros' usual self-created language, it is mystery... it can mean anything... and so it becomes universal...restricted only by our imaginations...

i know that i have faith in a kingdom where we run and leap, and open our hands, and make big splashes in joyfulness, and express our hearts without fear...

in the celtic tradition there is a beautiful concept of a thin place...where that kingdom is so close you can feel its presence. i always imagined that as another plane. a parallel universe rubbing up beside us...but today i'm thinking it's maybe inside...

for every difficult day to come... today i feel anchored...grounded...

and i am surprised and gratitudinal beyond measure to feel something that might have the embryonic hints of what it is for me to be fully alive as me...

friends, may our journey feel like adventure more days than not...i offer my fist and open my palm...a small gesture... but sincerely meant...

oh... and i'm guessing the romantics amongst you will know doubt be heartened to know that those brave new yorkers were rewarded for their bravery...it turns out the feeling was mutual. as far as i know those two couples are both still happily entwined. let's hope so.

but please don't think this gives you permission to start quoting in my presence any movie that stars tom hanks and meg ryan. i may have faced a demon and been inspired by a tale of romance, but i did not have a lobotomy.

off to go exploring...

LB, x