something for the weakened

saturday night

i'm curled up on the sofa with a mug of tea, some toffifee and a favourite movie to fall asleep in front of...

so, tonight i was in the one act play, the women's stories, which i think i mentioned somewhere along the way.

after a rehearsal featuring much fluffling of lines, accompanied by cursing (that would be me), and general sense of tongue tiedness, we sailed through the actual performance. we darn well nailed it. from the directions, the haka, singing, to our lines, the tone...

part of my, well, part was i got to tell the story of the 'haemorrhaging woman', so i've brought home with me my 'blood streaked' apron as a reminder of the experience. i'm tired, but quietly satisfied. i'm proud of all for a job done good. but i am very very tired.

::

sunday night

with the play out of the way, today was the day for me to collapse under the weight of a lot of stuff i've been shoring up.
such is the nature of the place i currently find myself in, i'm not sure if i'll be around here for a while, as i need to try and deal with some heavy stuff back in the real world where i don't have the luxury of an alter-ego. part of this is the need to step beneath words for a time. for some time i've been retreating into an increasingly isolated world of books and writing where i feel safe, and that's not what i need right now as the stuff down the mineshaft has no words... or at least, no rational articulation making for coherent sentences...
but it is the place where the past is and if i am to find a way to live where that past does not keep repeating itself over and over, and where i can live with peace, then i need to deal with whatever is down there... my reading and writing have been pointing in that direction for days as more importantly has some significant conversation with two trusted guides who know what they are talking about. i need to let the words go for a while and live through the hard stuff... thinking is not the way through this, only feeling is... for as terrifying as that is...

i finally felt like i was slipping under and so tonight i sought some intervention before it got any worse and i slid over the line where i would be past caring if i made it back up to the surface...

i don't mean that to sound overly dramatic but i don't want to piss folks off who drop by here with some regularity if there are no updates for awhile.

::

so, until whenever, be it a couple of days or weeks,
take care of yourselves and each other as jerry springer say.

this is not a rehearsal.

LB,x