it feels like this...written for Chris

i'm on easter break from therapy til the end of the month and sigfield kindly didn't give me homework...but i have a growing box of tools to work with in the interim.

the interplay between image and word is fascinating and sigfield is teaching me how to listen to intuition (you'll find it in the :sixth sense: aisle in B&Q)...we're being playful and working where i'm comfortable but it's proving productive for the time being...it's like we're getting the lie of the land...i'm working so hard at it. trying not to hold back. it feels like morpheus and neo in the virtual martial arts training room...don't try and hit me... hit me. or whatever that line is.

then there's my sketch pad, which i'm enthusiastic to keep filling...it allows my analytical conscious mind (it too a tool in itself - a hungry student that is engaging itself and is proving to be useful) play around with my unconscious without it being too emotionally scary. some of the book contains cartoon strips and it allows me to treat my inner emotional world like a character - perpetuating dissociation for a while longer but in a useful way... using a defense mechanism to ultimately turn on it... it's early days and there's a pandora's box rattling inside. opening it will be a scary and emotionally difficult process... this is like listening to the sounds coming from the box and getting comfortable with the idea that letting it out will be disruptive to my life and potentially life changing...and gradually we're going let the analytical brain give way and let the things in the box come forth and speak or indeed scream like a banshee... but it's like we're getting our game plan together...

ha, i was thinking it's like a sherriff and his deputy crouched behind a saloon bar in a classic western shootout - "how many of 'them' are there?" "cover me!" "i got your back." but that's too easy. no, and you'll get this... it's more like mulder and krycek in a face off with the bounty hunter or a Syndicate heavy... can mulder trust krycek to watch his back and cover him? or will he turn double agent and shoot him in the back instead? the trust is fragile and the stakes are high. krycek's exotic... mysterious, who the hell is he, what's his story? but he holds knowledge and uses it ruthlessly. mulder wants to beat him up or maybe beat him off. now there's a (figuarative) freudian fine line. but he needs him to survive. yup. sigfield is like krycek to the mulder of my inner world. a troubling ally or a trustworthy enemy? mulder reacts violently because he has no choice but to trust him to get to the truth. but one things for sure... this is a profoundly powerful relationship.

which brings me to my dreaming, which i am gonna combine with my my scribblings and scratchings by writing and drawing them...my dreams are becoming so vivid...and where my 'violence' toward krycek comes out... we're seeing a pattern... i'm resisting sigfield's intrusion but drawn to it also...it's like the box knows its gonna be opened, or, at the waterline surrounding the iceberg the waves are getting choppy, underneath things are moving, jostling, getting restless, uncomfortable... so last night on waking at 3am i wrote my dream down: therapy as disruption to my life...and ironically, literally.

but sigfield knows it. and he smiles that krycek smile and says, "so i'm intruding aren't i? so come on, let's play. trust me."

LB, x