found: one lush green creative mojo

a few days on and things are a little better:
i'm a little stronger and a little more together.

weekend was a wonderful combination of creative retail therapy leading to completing of my new fall 05 'look' and good times spent with friends. thanks to beautiful pádraig, dani, david, keli, stu, chris, daniel (see below) and gareth for such incredible encouragement and affirmation. i think you guys can see the impact your active loving is having.

thanks too for so many messages of care. everyday i am struck by the profundity of having such an amazing community which is so life giving and loving. i am truly humbled by your willingness to look me in the eye and say you love me. 11 days ago i was at the end of my rope. truly. i am pulling my way back up the walls of this deep well toward something that has glimpses of wholeness because of you.

thanks to michael too for tenderness, bravery, grace and realness yesterday. for two broken souls making it up as we go along in the face of such uncertainty, i think we did good. (thanks to those who prayed for us while we met. you've made a believer out of me.)

did i tell you i cut my hair? it feels very different. looks it too. i guess i wanted to look in the mirror and see someone different. or maybe i should say, i wanted to see myself differently.
has been resulting in repeated hilarious double takes on the part of friends and colleagues. general reaction seems to be one of amazement and approval.
but i did it for me. although everyone can benefit from a little bit of complementing once in a while. i recommend it.

in other news: things have been added to my suuroundings in the cottage that are brightening my spirit:

1. a wonderful book on american artist grant wood, creator of american gothic. he is strong contendor as key inspiration for my next tattoo, which is due before Christmas.
2. this poster, which i found in dublin, now framed and hanging in the kitchen. 70 x 100 cm of pure "divine decadance, darling"
3. an expanded dvd collection, including the wonderful cabaret and seasons 6-9 x-files. loving the special features. a favourites night as requested by dr chris fry is in the offing. bring it on.
4. a fabulous bialetti moka express coffee pot. there is still some blood in my espresso stream. but not much.
5. a housemate. welcome gareth. i hope you enjoy your little stay. i promise tomorrow you WILL get hot water.

a strong highlight of the weekend - this text message from daniel fry, now aged 4, who is showing remarkably good judgement in garden design:

"i love you cary because you are beautiful because i love your house and your garden and the steps in your garden. goodbye."

needless to say, a shed a tear of appreciative joy.

and finally, this extract from my dear friend, alfred, that overwhelmed. ::what is true will set you free::

". . . when issues come up to the surface it always seems like a mess (and it is) but when they come to the surface it also creates the possibility of a kind of healing that wouldn't be possible if they were still buried. But the process (and it is a step by step process) of working through things to get anywhere near that healing is hard and draining, and it doesn't seems possible at all when you are in the middle of it, but in my experience a kind of healing does exist and to experience that is what I hope and pray for. . ."

the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return.

LB, x.