lost in space... or finding ground

Paul has a gentle but provocative post over at his blog today. for me, it weaves well with conversations of late about silence, and simplicity and space... and has me thinking about what we are avoiding in ourselves when we seek words and people and noise and activity... the risk of finding oneself there is not knowing what will be revealed... what self we'll meet with... maybe the fear of finding we are lost.. adrift...rather than finding a self we want to care for with intention...

last night a friend recommended listening to david walliams' desert island discs on Radio 4, in which he speaks frankly about his relationship with aloneness. the show doesn't get put on the beeb iPlayer but it is being re-aired on friday, the 27th, at 9am(gmt). sounds like it's worth hearing - some great music mixed with surprisingly candid expression of feeling... expressing perhaps the tragedy that goes with the comedy i guess...
i lived in a similar vein in my old life... silence was abhorrent... it was this season three years ago now that i remember sitting for the first time in intentional silence - facing into the dark night... was a scary process, actively choosing silence and aloneness and experiencing the demons and ghosts that came to visit... i stopped watching television around the same time...

i'm not giving up anything for Lent. i only have one glass of wine a week these days, so giving up alcohol, as others around me are doing, wouldn't even register on my radar. i've a history of denying myself consistent nourishment, especially when on my own or feeling anxious and so i have a policy of avoiding anything that looks like dieting or restricting my food intake in any shape or form. so i'm writing with fresh bread baking in the oven. not for virtue but bodymeetssoul care...sometimes carving spaces of silence is about breathing in, and finding nurture...

a friend said the other day she was considering quitting Facebook for Lent. that i can recommend. i did so about a month ago - admittedly for psychotherapeutic rather than spiritual reasons. although perhaps those things aren't much different most days. that action has created it's own form of silence but for the most part that's been a beneficial thing for me. it's hard to feel grounded by, or find the deeper meaning in relationships, in virtual reality. i've been enjoying a return to old fashioned email, knowing that i want to relate, not social network. perhaps one day i'll go back to it. but for now i can see just how much it had been serving unhealthy purposes in my world, triggering my anxieties and bringing unhealth, hurt and abuse of boundaries to my table. creating a feeling that it was distorting and colouring actual being and relating in the world... if i felt like i became a doormat in 2008, then this year has been in large part about re-establishing trust and avoiding feeling used...sometimes carving spaces of silence is about breathing out, and finding freedom...

in past years i've taken Lent as an opportunity to take things on rather than give things up. but that too is something the silence has allowed space for me to already do. part of the 'getting myself back on solid ground' efforts has been a return to reading for pleasure. breathing in, and finding inspiration...

over on the SoF Observed blog someone recommended me Sarah Maitland's, a book of silence
i don't know if i'll be adding it to my reading list but it's encouraging to see the themes out there in the world helping others on similar journeys of self discovery and nurture. i keep thinking of Jean Vanier's interview on SoF and that line about 'being present to reality'. i've found that silence with the self brings that. it makes for hard silences and confused internal voices for sure, but i'm learning how to extend silence and space into a more centred way of being... allowing myself time and room to reflect and respond rather than freeze or react in fear... to run to my own rhythm. the things in life that need healing, don't just take doing the work, but time... breathing out and taking that time to feel one's feelings...

along with the Team Fury crew i've just started into Walter Brueggemann's Great Prayers of the Old Testament. makes for a refreshing change to be reading something theological. haven't done it in a while. i'm appreciating the phrase speech of the extreme he's using to describe the cry of natural (as opposed to liturgical) prayer...breathing in and finding wisdom...

during 2008 i read a truck load of books as i tried to tackle my ACoA-related issues head on. i've been turning my eyes to other themes and putting the stuff i found useful into some kind of practice (there's only so much one can read before you just have to get down and do the work). but as a sort of coda to all that reading, a friend came across and recommended an audiobook, Warming the Stone Child, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of Women Who Run with the Wolves.
i had read that book several years back, and though it represented at the time a kind of feminist perspective that had limited resonance for me, i was intrigued enough by this audio-book to give it a try. i've given it a couple of listens and found it relatively helpful. i enjoyed her Jungian insights into the stories she tells. and if nothing else, it made for relaxing listening... breathing in and out, and finding healing...

in silence we give up words...to choose a quiet cloak of nurture rather than the muteness of fear
makes for good change for me. not for virtue but for soul care. i'm starting to feel safer these days and finding my voice in a small, tight world... the edges and horizons expanding bit by bit. i am grateful for those in my life who respect how reluctant i am to extend trust... who with patience give me room and constancy in return for it. who understand that's no trivial thing for me. as i move towards significant change, all these small, so small, changes are building more solid ground... and bigger transformation seems something more like possible... i'm breathing easier.

LB