at loss of friendship

this has been a year of endings... of silencing... closing down... letting go... departures... absence

there's not much authenticity i can bring to these pages these days... not without honesty...

and the things i'd honestly write are things better honestly said
but the honest words i have to say
are not the words i'd dare to speak

words like,
i feel hurt by you.

words that ring in the silence
echoing back and forth
back and forth
in an empty room
inside
inside me.

this has been a year of endings...
and of silence
and of absence

and, if, when i walked into court
yesterday
for an ending
second perhaps only to death
in its finality
if there was healing
and dignity
and i felt human
if... then
it was thanks to words
and to real presence

of togetherness
of sharing in loss
and intention to care
of not pretending, and
of giving strength to the other
like a parting gift...

this has been a year of endings
and of silence.
and i am hurt.

yesterday
i walked
side by side
into a courtroom
and i finally understood
what friendship means

it is not something that
is said
it is not even something that is simply
done by one...

it something that is shared...
like smiles.
and tears.
and truth.

for all its good beginnings
this has been a year of endings...

and perhaps it is not over yet...

LB