taking stock

sitting at deane's vincafe and feeling uncomfortable that the man sitting beside me is talking to no one, or perhaps it is me, and saying odd things not encouraging me to look round and lift of one's headfonz to respond... conflicting feelings abound... of how to be human...? i think he's probably just intoxicated.

i'm content today. knackered but content. i am living on Mountain Standard Time (USA). and i am sick of it. but, in all other matters i am almost disturbingly calm and unworried. external things are all over the place and i've lots to be getting on with, but my internal world is decidedly at peace. something must be wrong, surely...

oh -- thank god -- he's been joined by a friend...awkwardness over...

if such moments are about disconnection then it sits well with the recent and ongoing theme of connection, which i have been returning to time and again as i muse on where i'm at these days...

something is evolving within... a new way of understanding how meeting with others is meeting the self... learning that one really is in a better place when one does not let others define the self...that to be more secure in oneself leads to better connection... makes it so much harder for others to pull you into their own storms and to not dive headlong into their darkness, let alone make it your own... i'm learning the long overdue art or perhaps craft of judging distances and learning how to keep others at the safe distances i need, and in turn appreciating closeness with others where i am secure in mutual care and consistency...

i've been working hard on becoming the author of my own destiny. wanting the script to change. to choose what my life will look like rather than be bound by the fear of others.

and i can't quite make sense yet of why it means that now it is easier to say i love you and mean it, and not fear abandonment attached. perhaps it is the magic circle of salt i've drawn... further out that before... giving me more room...allowing me to see that there is a difference between loving someone and letting the storms of another rock your world to its core and dwelling in it with them... i am learning to love more freely...

i am learning how one can fear less when one knows that there is a boundary line built of self respect and care... and i think i'm learning to both take responsibilty for when i get it wrong, and in turn how to call it when enough is enough.

Sigmund has at times played border guard for me. i'm yet to prove him wrong.
love is not so close you can't see what's going on...

connection and right distance are bedfellows... good days are when they are not fighting over the blankets...



there is so much to be gratitudinal for...
LB,x