the elusive pursuit of happiness

random thoughts...

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behind every anxiety is a wish...

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what is it? that feeling of emptiness in the pit of one's stomach?
that gut feeling of anxiety that feels so like homesickness and hunger?

it rises to catch in the throat... mouth stays clamped shut so words don't escape...

if this feeling isn't hate, what is it?

fear?

hurt?

loss?

and what is the wish?

for if words spilled out, would they be in rage, or hurt, or would they give way and let the wishing be spoken... the ultimate act of self betrayal... saying what one really wants...

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some days i just wanna scream, fuck you...

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"i hate that my blood makes me crazy. i hate that i can't function without being chemically altered. i hate that i fucked up your life... you deserve to be happy. i don't... i must have some weird ass karma

...that i could hurt you like that. it upsets me like nothing else ever has.
and when i look at you all i want is to say i'm sorry. please forgive me...

and inside i feel like tears are streaming down my cheeks. but they're not are they.
please don't cry... just because i can't...
be happy. i want you to be happy
i'll be happy if you are

i'm so lost inside. i wish that i could get out. but i don't think i ever will...
it's alright. it's okay. you are so beautiful..."

- billy chenowith to brenda, SFU, s1ep13, knock knock

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we spend our lives pretending to ourselves we don't want.

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lovers and friends are all that matter...

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mental illness has been described as when there is no one who can tolerate you...

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maybe happiness is this:

living with the acknowledgement of the wishes that we conceal inside our anxieties, and tolerating rarely, if ever, getting them...

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what is it you want that you think you can't have, Tovarich?
what's the wish?
what is it about this wish that is so unbearable?

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our beauty lies not in our anxieties
but in our wishes...

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wrote to a beloved far away.
distance does nothing to dim pain or love.

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look back now - the frames

Looking through the valley floor
I saw a changing man
And all the places they were
And as I walk beside you now
I feel there is no more we can say
But I'd never do nothing to hurt you love
And if we look back now
And see how far your tiny ship has come
And if we look back know
We see how willingly some bridges burn
You know I think its a shame
You don't talk at all
Maybe you just don't hear me call
But I've been doing very well
I play those games no more
I'm just getting on
But I'd always come running to catch you
And if we look back now
And see how easily these tables turn
And if we look back know
We see how willingly some bridges burn
And if we look back now
Maybe we can forgive ourselves for all we've done
For all we've done
And if we look back now
And see how far your time of rest has come
And if we look back now
We see how willingly these bridges burn
Bridges burn


::

money can't buy our wishes
they can't be found in the bottom of a bottle
no amount of escaping will lead you to them
no distance is far enough
only the inner journey...

LB,x