out of silence

my RL alter ego has been feeling heavy laden with darkness in need of process... one day i feel fine, the next, it might as be the end of the world...

a fellow blogger and i were in agreement the other night that it is often that which we would most like to write of that we can't...

i swear to tell the half truth and nothing but the truth so help me G-D...

so, in the meantime, with as much living-in-the-present contentedness as i can muster, here are some nonetheless heartfelt film experiences of the last couple of weeks to rec...

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two weekends ago. saturday night. despite the queues of eligible belfast bachelors at our respective doors, seeking to wine us, dine us, don't remind us, jayne and i opted to make our own amusement and thus nestled ourselves in the loving arms of a double bill at qft...

for your consideration
i'm a big fan of christopher guest and his ensemble and their brand of tragic comedy. not my favourite of his offerings, (on reflection i wish this had been made in his familiar mockumentary style as i think it would have served the story better), but i laughed a lot and this is worth it for catherine o'hara. she stole the show for me and i have nothing but admiration for her as an actor. i doubt there are many actresses who'd be willing to do what she does in an industry that puts so much stock on actors looking flawless. i left thinking i'd love to have this crew over for dinner. they've got their heads screwed on and ultimately, while laughing at how ridiculous people can be, these are not comedians without a sense of compassion for the humanity that exists in even the most ridiculous amongst us.

leonard cohen: i'm your man
what a man. what a writer. what songs. some great covers. not only are the interviews with cohen lovely, but there's also interviews with the contributing artists, including nick cave, and in my book he always delivers. as for the live music, anthony singing if it be your will is incredible (it's the one i have not been able to shake form under my skin) and rufus wainwright and nick cave both have a whole lot of fun with their covers... but one is struck in these performances not by the quality of the artists but how good a songwriter cohen is... well worth getting on dvd be you a fan or not. i now want his entire back catalogue. (more info here)

saw the following two on saturday and sunday night respectively. both on this week at qft. well worth your time and money...

the science of sleep
enter bizarro land. i'll admit to never having seen any of gael garcia bernal's movies until babel, in which he had a supporting role, and i'll additionally admit that i didn't know that was him 'til the credits rolled. (cinema rarely featured in my former RL life so there's some catching up to do. my father tells me motorcycle diaries is great. at least he spared me the look of pity/horror we Xers are so good at when we discover one of our flock has failed to keep up with the curriculum. i know this look cause i've mastered it rather well.
anyway, where was i)
since he's always spoken of in gushing tones by women of a certain sensibility, i was intrigued to know what i'd think of young signor GGB in a leading role. not exactly lacking in the looks department i'll admit, but it was his energy that got to me rather than his face and physique - exuding boyish light but undercut with the kind of emotional rawness that comes from loss, that for some reason i find attractive, [knocks head repeatedly on table knowing this may never change].
i found this quirky, textural, and beautiful but for as much as i laughed, i ultimately found myself feeling a deep sense of sadness, which faded to a rough edged melancholia, that i still haven't shaken off.
visually stunning and arresting, the script is just as delicious, and therein lies the sadness running under this story. there were numerous moments when i wished i could hit pause and just relish in the beauty of the words, some of which cut really close to home, or indeed cry out, "oui! oui! it's jsut like that!"...
see this in the theatre before dvd, there is so much visual detail to take in... this is one i'll want to revisit... a delightful depiction of how complicated our feelings can be...perhaps of how our inner imaginings and losses control our lives far more than external reality...those losses colour every new perhaps-love we meet with the hues of fear... that honest relationships are the messiest...

also on this week in qft,

die grosse stille (into great silence)

"vous m'avez séduit, O Seigneur, et j'ai été séduit"

this was an experience beyond words... contemplative. tender. surprising. delightful. beautifully photographed. at times so still it was more like looking at a series of exquisite photographs than a motion picture. observant without any apparent agenda, certainly not one to convert or convince, but just to let be. a documentary that seemed to be made in the spirit of the place and people being documented.
in the last few moments i realised tears were running quietly down my cheeks. i had no idea why and was taken by surprise as i felt no soaring emotion, just a deep stillness...
in a rare moment of speech, one monk is heard saying to his brothers, "it is not the signs that are in question. but ourselves."
this is a remarkable piece of film making and quite unlike anything i've ever seen. again, this one really is well worth experiencing on the big screen.

(info on these 2 and for your consideration are on qft site, here)

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i met with four familiar faces yesterday: one intentional, followed by three by chance... none saw my tears... but that sadness i felt at the end of the science of sleep has hung around me since... perhaps it was the quiet accepting nature of both die grosse stille and that of a friend that moved me to silent tears... perhaps one cries for what one cannot put words to... of the things we hold so deep within ourselves they are beyond language...

one of the frustrations of blogging is that often it is thing one feels greatest urge or need to speak of most, of the untied ends, that one is least able to or perhaps capable of putting into words...

this is perhaps why is see this space as best dwelt in as an alter ego... to protect what is sacred as much as to express it...

::

there is a lie that drags us
beating and pulling
into the disappointment

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so much to be gratitudinal for, so much progress made and so much more stable out here in real life, but part of me feels dragged and beaten all the same... there are miles still to be travelled and lessons still to be learned...

but i am learning to ride these rockier days with the knowledge that they pass... you let the tears silently fall regardless of whose looking just like you learn to let your body tap a rhythm as you listen to your iPod and type in a cafe...

LB,x

p.s.
welcome T-punk. your 13/33 year old scenario causes me to think about anxiety. i thought of it earlier, as a good friend of mine, who is 5 years old, proudly showed me and some other adult friends the 3 valentine's cards he received this last week and gave us account of the gradations of affection the 3 senders have for him. to be in such a delight-filled conversation with someone who is blessed with not yet holding any apparent anxiety about romantic or platonic relationships (he gave 2 cards, to entirely different girls) was rather like meeting someone from another planet. he is blithely unaware of how complicated this "playing at being a grown up" is going to get, and we adults were left in a mild state of shock. :0)

emma - in response to your question on the communication as domination thing, sorry for delayed response, an oversight on my part. i don't have, nor will i be able to give, any more detail on that paper, nor can i think of any specific texts. having left the world of structured education the best part of a decade ago, and not currently working as a researcher, which i have done in the past, i avoid hunting out texts on specific subjects...these days i prefer to note what provokes me, wonder why it does, and then let my radar just pick things up, rather than looking for them... it serves me better on a personal level, as it makes my life more playful and provisional... i have to resist a very strong urge to go to google and from there spend a week devouring info like a pacman, and preparing a dossier for you... i have written this paragraph not for you but for me, specifically to make sure i don't do that...
however, if i come across anything by chance, i'll be sure and pass it on... it may be useful if you are interested in reading about this topic to note it could be explored in various disciplines - psychology, philosophy, communications, and conflict resolution/mediation all immediately spring to mind. all the best, LB